Sunday, November 18, 2007

No Pain, No Gain

Pain scales are tools that can help health care providers diagnose or measure a person’s pain intensity. The scale is usually 1-10 with 1 being a little pain and 10 being the worst pain that you ever felt in your life. How boring is that? In my further attempts to make this world a better place I proudly present the Dumb, White Guy’s Pain Scale. For the Dumb, White Girl’s Pain Scale, please visit my second-favorite Canadian, Cher.
1. Your Inner Monologue tells you redneck jokes all day long. (You might be a redneck if you think TACO BELL is the Mexican Phone Company.)
2. You wake up at 3 in the morning, puke your guts out, and have chunks of fis
h tacos stuck in your nasal cavity. (This may or may not happened to me this weekend.)
3. You get Home of the Whopper tattooed on your forehead.

4. You walk in on your parents filming your grandparents having sex.

5. You have to rub lotion on Bob’s boobs. Who is Bob? Bob is the character played by Meatloaf in “Fight Club.”

6. Your amateur sex video of you dressed as Rush Limbaugh and dry humping the family ottoman is released on the Internet by your ex-girlfriend.
7. You get your Home of the Whopper tattoo on your forehead removed by Freddy Krueger.
8. Your ankles get the Annie Wilkes makeover.9. You get a guyzillian.
10. Paris Hilton explains “
Sex and Pregnancy: A Possible Connection" through Instant Messenger.

So this zit I have on the inside of my nose would be about a 6.

19 comments:

The Duck said...

If you came up with #4 yourself it might be time to seek professional help. Maybe. Good luck with that nose zit.

Design Goddess said...

Do we really want to know how you know about a "guyzillian?" Did you get the patch test or something?!

Wait! I don't think I want to know!

cher said...

Wow. I almost used both the Freddy Krueger AND the Annie Wilkes thing. That is weird. Maybe you should have asked a real girl to do this list with you.

Don't pop that zit until it's good and ready or you may as well add paris to your IM list now.
roar!

Travis Erwin said...

I am shocked Cher let you slide with that second favorite Canadian crack. I'll bet she makes you pay for that one, once the child supprt kicks in.

Big Ben said...

Have I made it in your top 20 canadians?

Is freddy removing that tatoo with his left or right hand? Makes a difference.

cher said...

travis, thank you for your concern. maybe you didn't know that canadian bacon is mr.shife's first favorite. even I can't compete with canadian bacon. so, for the record (which i plan on "setting straight" right now) canadian bacon holds its position with its head held high. i am so honored to be on the list, never mind having slid into second place by default because Loverboy got fat....which we can only assume was a result of massive amounts of canadian bacon eating. i think i would actually need a triple by-pass if i ever got bumped to first place. how would that help anybody? then, even I couldn't eat canadian bacon.

Tina said...

have your lil bassett say a prayer for my cubby - he may not make it :(

tks for stopping by the 'ol blog :)

angel, jr. said...

Hmmm. Number 10! That's painful! That would be an 11 on a scale of 1 to 10.

Gabby Girl said...

I almost became Freddy Krueger as a child - quite literally. My mom spilled hot water on my stomach and gave me 2nd and 3rd degree burns. Strangely, I love watching all the Nightmare on Elm Street movies. The first one is one of my all time favorite horror movie. You should make a Dumb White Guy's scale to show how F'ed up you are and include making a Freddy Krueger mobile for your first born child - putting it in the top five at least. Okay, this has been a rather messed up comment to leave, so I'm gonna sign off before I write something really crazy. ;)

Travis Erwin said...

Canadian Bacon is pretty damn good, epecially shredded on pizza. Dang, now my gut is growling, again.

The Egg said...

Guyzillian??! Nose zits are horrible, as well as fish tacos?! Bleh.

cher said...

i'd like to thank you for my sympathy nose zit.

travis...mmmm pizza... yum.

the rube said...

pain, who knew.

i thought pain was erradicated years ago.

The Phoenix said...

The guyzilian makes me want to cry.

KnitTech said...

Why does your pain scale for men go to 10, shouldn't it go to 15?

Casdok said...

Im with Cher on this one!!!

jamwall said...

Bob's got some nice hooters.

Tina said...

haha thanks for the laughs, I really needed some and I know I can count on you! - hope your zit disappeared before the holiday :)

honkeie2 said...

I think I would rather have my junk waxed than walk in on my parents filling their parents doing the do.....that is beyond pain.