Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Well folks this will probably be my last significant post for a little bit. Mrs. Shife and I went to the baby doctor today and he expects her to be having that baby any day now. Our due date is Friday so the next time you hear from me it will probably be news about Baby Shifley.
  • I am turning into George Constanza. My worlds are colliding. I posted this on Facebook but I need to share here as well. Anyway if you see a really, really filthy car you should write "I wish my wife was this dirty" on it.
  • Did you hear about the short fortune-teller who escaped from prison? He is a small medium at large.
  • How are your brackets looking? I know a certain person named Phats that has to be extremely happy about his teams.
  • I found out what my superhero power was the other day. Apparently I can render the automated phone systems that companies set up for technical support useless. I called DirecTV the other day because I was having some technical problems. The automated voice asked me to describe my problem, and I did several times, and the automated voice would reply "I'm sorry but I don't understand" or something to that effect. I guess I am "Nell." So instead of screaming into the phone one more time I said "I want to do it doggie style with Condelezza Rice" and I was magically transferred to technical support with an actual person on the other line.
  • I saw "The Watchmen" or "Attack of Schlong Smurf." Didn't really care for it.
  • I saw "I Love You, Man." I really liked it.
  • I was thinking of taking up juggling, but then I realized I just don't have the balls for it.
  • I don't know if anyone else watches "Intervention" but last night's episode was the first one where I cared so little for the person getting the intervention. The lady tried to drown her dog in the toilet. Sorry but that is messed up.
  • Speaking of TV, "24" has rebounded this year. It is still a little predictable sometimes but for the most part it is awesome.
  • Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Well that is all for now folks. I will post some news as soon as I hear something. Until then take care, and remember today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Friday, March 20, 2009


I hope you were not expecting Drunken Queens of the World.
Instead it is time for another Dumb Question of the Week.
So after seeing "The Watchmen" and Dr. Manhattan's blue dong way more than I ever needed to I was wondering what would be your favorite blue character?
Be creative. Here are some examples to help get the juices flowing: One of the Smurfs, a sports team's mascot, Grover from Sesame Street, or Mystique from the "X-Men." Hope that helps.

My pick is Tobias Funke from "Arrested Development" when he tried to become a member of The Blue Man Group. And he may have uttered one of the greatest lines in TV history when he said "I just blue myself."

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Facebook status

Sorry folks for the lack of a presence out here in bloggoland but I am trying to get everything ready before Baby Shifley arrives. 10 days and counting.
Anyway, my worlds might be colliding here because some of you are on Facebook so these updates will look familiar but I thought I would share some of status updates with everyone because I think some of them are funny, and honestly I can't think of everything else to blog about right now. So please enjoy. If not just wait longer. There might be something interesting on here again someday.
  • Matt Shifley wonders if it is wrong that I play drinking games while I watch "Intervention."

  • Matt Shifley has March Madness. I hope it is not as bad as World Cup Fever.

  • Matt Shifley thinks if I tell you that there are a billion stars out there you'll believe me, but if I tell you a wall has wet paint you'll have to touch it to be sure.

  • Matt Shifley did not know that George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.

  • Matt Shifley is looking for a BEER? shirt. It has a picture of a bear with deer antlers and it says "BEER?" on it.

  • Matt Shifley says you know what you can't outsource? You can't outsource balls. America is the world leader in balls.

  • Matt Shifley must warn you. Side effects of reading this Facebook status update may include euphoria, patriotism, and painful urination. Sorry.

  • Matt Shifley thinks when someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

  • Matt Shifley is drinking NyQuil on the rocks. For those times when you're feeling sick but sociable.

  • Matt Shifley is battling the fat basset. He wants to go for a walk. I don't. We are going to settle this the way our ancestors did - jello shots and mud wrestling.

  • Matt Shifley is excited that it is the year of the Ox. He was one of my favorite characters from "Stripes." I wonder when it will be the year of the Lebowski.

  • Matt Shifley is a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

  • Matt Shifley is thinking every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.

P.S. Happy birthday to the most beautiful person I know, my lovely wife.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

What Will You Inherit?

Well folks believe it or not but I am going to be a Dad real, real soon. I know some of you have been down this road and others of you can't even imagine taking this path. I am excited, nervous, and scared, but as the due date - March 27 - creeps ever closer I find myself looking forward to this moment that will turn my life upside down more than ever. So 2.0 (this is what we have been calling the baby since we don't know if it is going to be a boy or a girl) I hope you inherit the best of what Mrs. Shife and I have to offer.

I can hardly wait for you to enter the world and see the joy you bring.
Sweet baby of mine, you're a magnificent gift.
Living proof of how your mother and I have shared our love.
I hope you have your mother’s eyes
Then you will go into the world able to look at all things wise.
I hope you inherit my ability to plan.
With that you will be able to face all things in life as a strong woman or man.
I hope you receive from your mother her selfless ways.
For this will bless you all of your days.
I hope you learn from me, spirit and let no one take it.
Believe me you will need it in life, and many will try to break it.
But with that spirit you must have your mother’s center.
With that you will be cautious of any door you enter.
I want you to have my curiosity. There’s nothing wrong with questions you may blurt!
But receive your mother’s discernment, so you'll know when to let go before getting hurt.
Have my big heart; know what emotions are and how to be real.
Share your mother’s strength so you can handle what you feel.
Share my sense of humor! Laugh a lot it helps you through life.
Share your mother’s sense of duty. Know how to be serious and take strife.
And most importantly please remember to be true to yourself and know that the day you are born you will inherit the greatest love your mother and I could ever offer anyone.

I can’t wait to meet you Baby Shifley.

Friday, March 06, 2009

Revisiting blog posts of the ancient past

I have taken my essential vitamins and minerals today but apparently it is not triggering monumental brain activity so I am going to revisit a topic from an old blog post: "Top Gun" is gay.
I saw this hilarious re-cut trailer for "Top Gun" and had to post it along with my previous rant about the movie. So enjoy.

You know what else I don’t need to see, the frickin’ volleyball scene from “Top Gun.” OK, hear me out. I am a dude watching this kick-butt movie about fighter pilots and all the cool things that go along with that like partying, flying planes, chasing girls, etc. Then we go to a scene on the beach where all these topless dudes are oiled up, rolling around in the sand, wearing some seriously tight blue jeans, and playing volleyball. It is very jarring to the heterosexual male to go from an awesome action movie to a gay porn scene.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009


Sorry for the longer than usual absence.
Quincy and I were busy choreographing fight scenes for his new straight-to-DVD action mystery "Encyclopedia Furry Pants and the Case of the Red Lipstick."
Anyway it is time for DQOTW which is Dumb Question of the Week or it could be Desert Quilters of the West but I don't think I could drum up much interest for that one.

So what would your arch enemy look like?
I know you are not suppose to judge a book by its cover but if you could picture a person in your head that you would instantly despise what would said person look like.

For me it would be someone wearing a combination of Chicago Cubs, Duke University, and Boise State University gear while walking a silly dog. So my nemesis would be sporting a Cubs hat, BSU shirt, Duke shorts, and walking a giant poodle with one of the ridiculous, errr, fancy haircuts.

Gotta run. I just threw up a little bit in my mouth thinking about that person.