Wednesday, November 30, 2005
I wish I could take credit for this, but I can't (I did add a few of my own). This was written by Eric Spitznagel and Brendan Baber, and is included in their book, Planet Baywatch: The Unofficial Guide To the New World Order.
Here's a list of things people around the world are learning about Americans by watching Baywatch.
1. American men and women spend 15 percent of their days running in slow motion along the beach.
2. Americans almost drown an average of two times each hour.
3. Despite the habit of breathing water, CPR always works and no one actually dies.
4. People in the U.S. look thoughtfully at the ocean for an average of 15 seconds after being told anything of any importance.
5. Americans never worry about getting enough to eat, but fat people are unreliable and sometimes evil.
6. When swimming in California, you are more likely to be attacked by jewel thieves or taken hostage by terrorists than you are to drown.
7. Most activity that takes place off the beach occurs in montages and lasts no longer than two minutes.
8. Although Americans, especially lifeguards, complain that they are poor, they all have expensive sports cars and luxurious homes.
9. Motorboats, unlike cars, will not talk back to David Hasselhoff.
10. All American woman have giant racks.
11. You will be irresistible to women if you have luscious chest hair and a snug pair of red trunks.
12. Acting skills are not a major requirement to be a TV star.
13. Everyone has deep, dark secrets. Everyone.
14. Ex-lifeguards are very bitter and cause nothing but trouble.
15. California is full of deserted islands, undiscovered caves, and modern-day pirates.
P.S. The pride and joy of the Shifley household turns 8 today. Happy Birthday Quincy dog!!!
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
The Hoff recently got tagged, and he was kind of enough to answer
1. First name: Hernando
2. Were you named after anyone? Hernando de Soto, the Spanish explorer.
3. Do you wish on stars? How else can you explain my successful career.
4. When did you last cry? Last week when I found some gray in my chest hair
5. Do you like your handwriting? Does Pamela Anderson like rock star cock?
6. What is your favorite lunch meat? Whatever is in a hero sandwich.
7. What is your birth date? July 17th.
8. What is your most embarrassing CD? Probably my 1985 CD, "Night Rocker."
9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? Does Carmen Electra like rock star cock?
10. Are you a daredevil? Have you seen me perform live on stage?
11. Favorite Magazines? Achtung or Schwing. They are huge German magazines.
12. Do looks matter? Ummm, hello, have you seen me.
13. How do you release anger? I run on the beach in my red swim trunks.
14. Where is your second home? On stage belting out tunes like "Looking for Freedom."
15. Do you trust others easily? Does Yasmine Bleeth like booger sugar? (Thanks LBseahag)
16. What was your favorite toy as a child? Silicone.
17. What class in high school do you think was totally useless? Drama.
18. Do you have a journal? Does Gena Lee Nolin have big boobs?
19. Do you use sarcasm a lot? No, I am too good looking to use sarcasm.
20. Favorite movie: The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie.
21. What are your nicknames? The Hoff.
22. Would you bungee jump? Did Parker Stevenson actually star on Baywatch?
23. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Shoes. I don't need no stinking shoes.
24. Do you think that you are strong? Have you seen me on Baywatch?
25. What's your favorite ice cream flavor? 2 scoops of hot chocolate.
26. Shoe Size? 14.
27. What is your favorite color? Red.
28. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? I am the Hoff, I am perfect.
29. Who do you miss most? KIT.
30. Do you want everyone you send this to send it back? Did Erika Eleniak pose for Playboy?
31. What color pants are you wearing? I am the Hoff, I don't wear pants.
32. What are you listening to right now? Myself.
33. Last thing you ate? A German sausage.
34. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Wild Watermelon.
35. What is the weather like right now? I am the Hoff, it is always sunny.
36. Last person you talked to on the phone? Myself.
37. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Myself.
38. Do you like the person who sent this to you? No. I currently think he is a homo. We had a falling out at Thanksgiving.
39. How Are You Today? I am the Hoff, so I am great.
40. Favorite Drink? Almond smoothie.
41. Favorite Sport? Turkish wrestling.
42. Hair Color? Brown.
43. Eye Color? Brown.
44. Do you wear contacts? Does Traci Bingham have big boobs?
45. Favorite Food? German.
46. Last Movie You Watched? Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding.
47. Favorite day of the year? I am the Hoff, every day is my favorite day.
48. Scary Movies Or Happy Endings? I like the happy endings.
49. Summer Or Winter? Summer.
50. Hugs OR Kisses? Yes, please
51. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? Cheese cake.
52. Who Is Most Likely To Respond? Gary Coleman.
53. Who Is Least Likely To Respond? Mr. Shife.
54. Living Arrangements? Right now I am living in my chest hair.
55. What Books Are You Reading? Baywatch: The Early Years
56. What's On Your Mouse Pad? My chest hair.
57. What Did You Watch Last night on TV? Knight Rider in HD.
59. Rolling Stones or Beatles? The Hoff
60. What's the furthest you've been from home? I am the Hoff, I am at home wherever I may roam.
Monday, November 28, 2005
First things first, me and my buds dressed up like pirates and attacked the Hoff. We pretend stabbed him and tried to shiver his timbers, and the Hoff played along but he wanted to play a new game.
He decided he wanted to play the underwear model game. He was the only one that was really into it and it kind of scared away everyone that had come over.
Then things got really weird. He decided he wanted to play the game with puppies. The Hoff has the ability to make cute puppier appear out of thin air.
This kind of freaked out Mrs. Shife that the Hoff was posing with puppies naked in the middle of our house. I tried to calm everyone down so I gave the Hoff my leather falconer outfit and that seemed to do the trick.
We finally sat down and enjoyed our meal. After a delicious culinary experience, we all got settled in the TV room to begin the Baywatch marathon (It is a tradition in our household.) After a few hours of Baywatch madness, I commented to the Hoff that his show had the greatest eye candy that the world had ever seen. The Hoff was a little put off by my remarks, and said that the show was much more than that. It was a cleverly written social commentary on the caste system in India. I about peed myself from laughing so hard. The Hoff was not amused. He threw his sparkling cider in my face. I was now not amused, and I called him a homo. The Hoff had enough and stormed out of our home. He called Gary Coleman. And a few minutes later, Gary showed up in KIT, and the two sped away.
I just laughed the whole thing off, and just figured it was the cider talking. I expected to get an apology from the Hoff the next morning. Well I got something from him, he e-mailed me the picture below.
Well, it is on Hoff. You better watch your back buddy. And was it really necessary to bring Officer Poncharello into the equation?
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
I am thankful for a lot of things including my wife, my life, my family, etc., but I am especially thankful to the brave men and women who serve and protect this country of ours. I don't agree with why we are over there, but I support all of the men and women who are over there sacrificing their lives.
I would like to share with everyone something I wrote about an American soldier about 3 years ago. I met him only for a brief moment, but it is a moment I will never forget. His name is Pat Tillman.
It is not every day you get to meet your hero. But there he was, less than 10 feet away.
I was sharing the same Boise, Idaho air with the man who shocked the world, Pat Tillman.
Shocked the world is one of those sports clichés that gets tossed around like a Frisbee on a sunny afternoon. I think it may have started when Buster Douglas knocked out Mike Tyson in Japan. The phrase has picked up steam lately with the U.S. soccer team “shocking the world” by advancing to the World Cup quarterfinals. The results of these events were indeed shocking, but the last time I checked the world’s mental health for the most part seems to be doing OK.
But if one person really deserves to use that cliché, it is Tillman. In a story that is familiar to most of us by now, the former Arizona Cardinals defensive back turned down millions to enlist in the Army where he hopes to become a member of the Rangers, an elite military unit.
Bye-bye mini-camp, hello boot camp.
When the news first surfaced, the words Tillman and crazy collided in a few sentences across this nation of ours. A 25-year-old man in the prime of his NFL career leaving fame and fortune behind to become an army of one. In fact, if some no-name baseball player gets immortalized with the Mendoza line, then Tillman should get his own phrase. It could replace “shocked the world.” For example, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays could reel off enough wins to squeeze into the playoffs and dethrone the Yankees as American League Champions. The next day around the water cooler you might say “Hey those D-Rays really pulled a Tillman.”
We will never know Tillman’s thoughts on the matter because he won’t speak to the media about it and told the Army he wants no part of any publicity regarding his enlistment. The curious public wants to know why, but does it really matter.
Just because 999,999 out of 1,000,000 people would not do what Tillman is doing doesn’t mean it is shocking or crazy; it is just the type of guy he is.
Last year, he turned down a multi-million dollar offer from the Rams to stay with the Cardinals out of loyalty. The same Rams who have been to the Super Bowl two out of the last three years. Tillman took $512,000 to stay with Arizona. The last time the Cards did anything was in the film “Jerry Maguire.”
A lot of us don’t understand why someone would do these things?
Maybe it just about perspective. A crowded elevator smells different to a midget. Tillman just sees and does things differently than the rest of us. It is an admirable quality in a society where conforming to the latest trends is the norm. Or maybe Tillman just realizes money really isn’t everything. He might actually be an athlete that believes he is living his dream and gets paid quite well regardless if his contract doesn’t have an extra zero added on to it.
But to me, all that stuff really doesn’t matter. Who cares what his reasons are and how much money he turned down. In a world of billboard advertising run amuck, Tillman is like a web site with no pop-up ads. He is one of a kind and maybe his actions will inspire others. Tillman was never the biggest, fastest or strongest guy out there, but he made it in the NFL because he had guts, courage and determination.
Now he is just following another dream, and there is nothing wrong with that. So maybe he did shock your part of the world, but not from where I come from.
It is not every day you get to meet your hero and I am just grateful mine is Pat Tillman.
Postscript -- Pat Tillman did become an Army Ranger. He was serving his second tour of duty in Afghanistan when he was killed April 22, 2004 by friendly fire. Rest in peace, Pat.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
With the short work week, I have been pretty busy at work and home. So I hope you enjoy these strange but true facts. I will have something original tomorrow.
- If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
- If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
- The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
- Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
- Humans, dolphins and Bonobo Chimpanzees are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
- On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
- The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
- It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
- You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
- Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
- Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
- Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?
- Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
- In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
- A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
- A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
- The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
- Polar bears are left handed.
- The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.
- The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field.
- A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.
- The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.
- The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.
- Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
- Butterflies taste with their feet.
- Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
- A cat's urine glows under a backlight.
- An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
- Starfishes haven't got brains.
Sunday, November 20, 2005
OK, I will go first.
A college friend of ours had a party at his house during the summer. It was an all-day drunkfest, and about mid-afternoon some of the lightweights were falling like flies. So that is when the diabolical, drunk assholes starting looking for potential victims. Somebody needed a little lipstick and masscara, someone else had far too much hair on their face -- so off went the eyebrows, and others needed messages written in marker on their body like "Insert Cock Here" with an arrow pointing to their mouth or ass in case someone was confused and didn't know where to insert the cock. But the masterpiece was saved for the host of the party. He was getting ready to take a shower but passed out on the bathroom floor in his fruit of the looms. I surveyed the scene and knew this was a unique opportunity. I might never get a chance like this again and I had to make it my Mona Lisa. Now mind you, it is summer time and it gets hot in Boise, and the house had no air conditioning. So the dude is passed out in a room that has no windows and the door is shut, so let's just say it was a little warm in the bathroom. I run to the fridge looking for that one item, the one thing that will make me a legend and make this guy want to kill me. And there it is in the corner of the fridge. Ahh, how perfectly square and pastuerized you are . Behold, the power of cheese. I run back to the room, pull down the guys underoos and jam several pieces of Kraft cheese in his ass. There was no penetration, but I did make a nice cheese sandwich with his cheeks. And so my friend laid there for several hours as the cheese melted in his assy region. He woke up later that night with a nice surprise. And let's just say all he needed was some chips and he could have had himself a nice snack.
Anyway, the victim and I were never really close, but this did not help matters. He did get his nickname out of the incident, Nacho, and 50 years later we will still call him that.
I am an asshole, but it sure was funny.
Friday, November 18, 2005
So in the spirit of the holiday season and because I have to get my other Hello Kitty tattoo removed, here is something easy on the brain. We have to save those brain cells for the weekend. Who was the top turkey in 2005? Was it a movie, a dvd, a cd, a song, a celebrity or your mother-in-law? Let's hear about it people.
Now you would think it would boil down to these two celebrity clowns for me, Ashlee versus Star Jones.
But no way, these two ass bags get the Top Turkey of a Lifetime. They are way bigger than just one year.
So I decided it had to be a movie that sucked the most for me this year, and the two finalists are "I Heart Huckabees" and "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow." Now both of these dogs came out in 2004, but I rented them in 2005. The Angelina Jolie factor saves Sky Captain, and so my top turkey is "I Heart Huckabees."
And Augie Boy made me feel completely lazy so I am going to add to my list.
Sports: Barry Bonds
Music: Hillary Duff. Releasing a greatest hits album, please.
TV: Fox for cancelling "Arrested Development."
Thursday, November 17, 2005
- Elvis Presley or Johnny Cash?
- Bob Marley or Kurt Cobain?
- Marilyn Monroe or Audrey Hepburn?
- He-Man or Thundercats?
- Star Jones or Ashlee Simpson? Oh shit, sorry, that was wishful thinking.
- Arrested Development or Chappelle's Show?
- Disco or Butt Rock aka Hair Metal Bands?
- The Tick or Firefly?
- Mitch Hedberg or Sam Kinison?
- Zed or Jame 'Buffalo Bill' Gumb?
- Pauly Shore's career or Axl Rose's career?
I know there are tons of things we would like to bring back from the dead but these are just a few I that came to mind. As usual, your comments are welcomed and appreciated.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
I am not sure what the penis is saying but I think he might be telling us to "Never play leapfrog with a unicorn."
I was born in St. Louis, and I love all the teams from St. Louis. In 1987, the owner of the Cardinals decided that St. Louis was not worthy and moved the team to the Arizona desert. Well being a rambunctious teenager more worried about scoring beers and getting laid, I really didn't care. Plus, I thought maybe a change of scenery might help the team. For those of you who don't know, the Cardinals are one of the worst teams in the league. I think they have had one winning record in the last 25 years. They epitomize shitty. I can't even win with them on my Playstation, maybe that is a knock against me.
So since they seem destined to suck, and life is too short, I am ready to move on. I figure I am entitled to one get out of NFL Hell card since they abandoned me and my hometown. So I sent the e-mail below to the remaining NFL teams looking for a new team to love. And I must pick wisely because this will be my team for life. Right now the frontrunners are the Bears, because I grew up watching and hearing about them from my Pops who is a big fan, and the Rams because they now call St. Louis home.
Dear NFL team,
Married, white male desperately seeks NFL team to share Sundays with. The team must be committed to winning and rewards its fans by putting a quality product on the field. Teams not interested in winning championships need not apply. I offer the team my loyalty, merchandise budget, and unyielding support through good times and bad. Are you interested? Please tell me why I should be your fan.
P.S. I am no longer supporting the Arizona Cardinals and my divorce from the team is official as of today.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
I was on the elliptical machine at the gym trying to release the remaining toxins leftover from this weekend when the beacon of journalism integrity came shining across the television. Ah yes, another idiot-winning episode of Entertainment Tonight. Usually I don't give shows of this ilk much attention but the music wasn't doing it for me today so I found myself being sucked into this trash. What I found particularly interesting was an undercover report where one of the talking hair-dos donned a fat suit and trolled around New York City. This so-called journalist was ready to expose the real world that fat women live in. This story featured the rail dressed as an obese woman while an undercover camera crew followed her around and caught all the snickers and stares on camera. I know you are pissed that you missed this groundbreaking episode of ET. But what really boiled my blood was how she concluded her segment. She said that by going undercover she was fighting for obese women everywhere.
WHAT THE FUCK?? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??
By throwing on the Michelin Man outfit and documenting people making fun of your fatness you think you are helping the plight of fat women everywhere.
GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE.
Maybe next week you can dress up as a flamboyant homosexual and tell us you are fighting for homosexuals everywhere.
Do you want to fight for overweight women?
How about reporting on how the portion sizes in restaurants are out of whack? Or how you can Super Size yourself a heart attack? Or that a large soda is now as big as Anna Nicole Smith's cup size? Or that the number of Type 2 diabetes cases in America are rising at an alarming rate? Or that obesity is slowly becoming a public health crisis? Or that we need to encourage physical activity? Or that we need better nutrition guidelines? Or how many premature deaths can be attributed to obesity? Or that your show glamorizes the dangerously thin Hollywood types thus sending the wrong message to young girls?
Entertainment Tonight please stick to what you know best and that is blowing sunshine up celebrities asses and leave the undercover journalism to shows like 60 minutes.
This is just my opinion and thanks for listening.
Monday, November 14, 2005
I proudly present my new idea for a TV show that I am going to pitch to the networks.
The idea was partially inspired by T. Leach.
Title of show: "Mehoff"
Genre: Legal drama
Plot: Jack Mehoff is a wealthy attorney who decides his life is not rewarding, so he quits his practice and focuses on doing pro-bono work for those who can't afford quality legal services.
Here is a sampling of the the script. The following scene takes place in courtroom.
Judge Kojak: Mr. Mehoff your witness. (Kojak is antsy. He wants this case to wrap up because he wants to go windsurfing on Mount Baldy)
Jack doesn't hear the Judge. He is staring intently at his notepad, stroking the one-eyed burping gecko he brings with him for good luck.
Judge Kojak: Mr. Mehoff, are you having a play date with your little friend. IT IS your witness.
Jack Mehoff: Oh, I am sorry your honor. I forgot I am not playing in a one-man show.
Jack stands up and walks over to the witness, Henry Longfellow.
Jack Mehoff: Good morning, Mr. Longfellow. So is it safe to assume you like taking matters into your own hands?
Henry Longfellow: I guess so. There is no point in yanking your crank.
Jack Mehoff: Good to hear that you are coming to grips with yourself. But we have evidence of you punching the clown?
Henry Longfellow: I was at the mill where I got a fresh delivery of wood. Since when is stripping the bark off your wood a crime?
Jack Mehoff: Oh please, the evidence was all over your hands, Mr. Longfellow. I suppose next you are going to tell me that you have been teaching a one-eyed Chinaman how to dance.
Longfellow attempts to answer, but Mehoff is ready to take this monster for a one-armed ride.
Jack Mehoff: You were mad. You were ready to blow your load. That clown was going to pay for visiting Rosy Palm and her five daughters. Wasn't he? Answer the question, Longfellow.
Harry Sack, Longfellow's attorney, stands up and objects.
Harry Sack: He is badgering the witness, your honor.
Judge Kojak: Mehoff, this kind of posturing may work if you were dropping the kids off at the pool, but this is a court of law. Either start shifting to fifth gear with the pork spear or rest your case.
Jack Mehoff: Yes your honor. (Inside Meoff is fuming, and all he can think about is choking the bald guy until he pukes.)
Jack Mehoff: I should have stayed home and had a tug of war with Cyclops.
Judge Kojak: Mr. Mehoff, you are making a mockery of this court. If you want to play with yourself, fine, but quit pumping the soft soap dispenser and do your job.
Meoff rubs his arm, working out a stiff joint.
Firing the flesh musket last night was not a good idea.
But that jerk off, Longfellow, was going to pay. What he did to that clown was just as bad as smacking the yak 'til it spits back. Another case that left him shooting his wad but still not getting the outcome he desired.
So that is all I got right now, it is a work in progress. I got to get going I am arm-wrestling the purple-headed stormtrooper at Hooters.
Friday, November 11, 2005
I had another epiphany last night while I was getting my Hello Kitty tattoo removed from my right ass cheek. Go ahead laugh it up, but I am not ashamed. However, it did lead to a few awkward moments at The David Hasselhoff Man Camp back in '97.
OK, I am getting off track.
Last week, I asked everyone if they had the power to reunite or resurrect one band who would it be. Well, everyone made their choices, but now it is time to make another choice -- where would your ultimate venue be to witness the reunion or resurrection of your band?
So bloggers, if you could pick one place for a night of debauchery where would you go?
So my choice would be Australia, that's right Darius I want to party with you. And I have to amend my selection from last week for the band. Scratch Guns N' Roses. I was reminded today that seeing Metallica's original line-up would be a much better choice than GNR. For those of you who don't know, the original bassist Cliff Burton was killed in a bus crash.
P.S. This just in, Fox has cancelled "Arrested Development." Fuck you Fox, you prick bastards.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
- Why have all the girls gone wild?
- Are there classic rap stations?
- I once hitchhiked to Canada.
- It is hard to be taken seriously when you put on your winter coat, jam your hands into your front pocket so that your arms are fully extended and then start running. Try it.
- I am enjoying "Invasion" much more than "Lost."
- When I go to the movies and the theatre isn't so crowded I like to sit right next to complete strangers and make them feel uncomfortable.
- I have world-class eyelashes.
- If you could have your own personal mascot, what would it be?
- Mrs. Shife and I are planning on spending Thanksgiving 2006 in New Zealand.
- I am considering joining the Big Brother program.
- It would tough being a fat girl named Candy, but I think it would be tougher being a fat guy named Candy.
- The best concert I ever saw was Metallica at the George, Washington. The venue is called the Gorge at George, and it was outdoors with absolute awesome scenery.
- Take your vitamins, it is the cold and flu season
- I do not have names for my penis and testicles, but I do occasionally call them my cash and prizes.
- My pseudonym is Bob Galliono.
- Aren't you glad you made Priest Holmes your top pick in your Fantasy Football league?
- I could never be a furry.
- Some times you have to give the people what they want.
- I believe Ryan Reynolds can play a smart ass like no other.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Greetings. Well it looks like the sickness that has been going around our office has finally caught up with me so I will be at home today and will not have access to my computer. But I found this awesome list of words before the Nyquil kicked in and I would love to know which one is your favorite. I will be back in full force Thursday so talk to everyone then.
20 Words That Should Be In The Dictionary
1. ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. -- Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
2. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. -- Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
3. AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa bib' re um) n. -- The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b)squirting himself in the eye (or ear).
4. BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. -- When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through he grill into the coals.
5. BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. -- People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
6. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. -- The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
7. DIMP (dimp) n. -- A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"
8. DISCONFECT (dis kon fect') v. -- To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will remove all the germs.
9. ECNALUBMA (ek na leb' ma) n. -- A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rear view mirror.
10. EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. -- Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter which direction you lean in, follow suit.
11. ELBONICS (el bon icks') n. -- The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
12. ELECELLERATON (el a cel er ay' shun) n. -- The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
13. FRUST (frust) n. -- The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
14. LACTOMANGULATION (lak to man gyu lay' shun) v. -- Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the illegal side.
15. NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. -- A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
16. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. -- The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
17. PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj. -- One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
18. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. -- The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
19. PUPKUS (pup kus') n. -- The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses it nose to it.
20. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. -- The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, when you're only six inches away.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Sometimes the stuff that I become obsessed with drives Mrs. Shife crazy. This past weekend, I bugged her endlessly about certain people and if they died a certain way, would it be ironic.
For example, Jim Fixx, author of the best selling "Complete Book of Running," which started the jogging craze of the 1970s died of heart attack ... while jogging.
So in Mr. Shife's Fantasy World and Land of Make Believe, which of these deaths would be the most ironic?
- Star Jones while wearing her fur coats is clubbed to death.
- Britney Spears dies of exposure.
- Steven Spielberg dies from a shark attack.
- Paris Hilton is struck down by a random thought.
- Bill Gates falls out of a window.
- The inventor of Immodium AD dies from explosive diarrhea.
- A president of a company that sends out massive amounts of spam chokes on a Spam sandwich.
- The Unabomber has a mail bomb returned due to insufficient postage.
- Barry Bonds has his head shrunk.
- Ronald McDonald dies from Mad Cow disease.
- Ashlee Simpson fakes her own death but no one cares.
I kind of lost steam at the end here, and I am sure some of you have some good ones so as always your comments are welcomed and appreciated.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Here are a few headlines I saw Sunday night while online, and my completely biased, subjective and not quite fair reaction to them.
- Phil Collins says he's open to Genesis reunion -- Umm, hi Phil, my name is Mr. Shife and I am the spokesperson for the world. We 100% percent do not care and are not open to it. Please continue to Sussudio and have a nice day. Honestly, I think Phil may have had too many pints celebrating Guy Fawkes Day.
- Attack on Ship Shows Pirates Emboldened -- Pirate attacks, sweet. I have something to fall back on if their current gig doesn't work out. I wonder what kind of benefits you get with the pirate's life.
- The Biomechanics of Breasts Sports New Bra -- I am going to kick my guidance counselor's ass. He never told me I could do this with a science degree. Oh, you are a dead man Mr. Reeser.
- Teenager facing charges he photocopied $20 bill -- I will give him some credit, if this shitty-looking counterfeit bill is going to work at one place it is the state fair.
- Customers Refuse To Leave Grocery Store On Fire -- Oh my God. You deserve to burn you idiots. I think your milk will go well with your third-degree burns.
- Jury Rules Against Woman in Genital Gluing -- But seriously isn't getting your junk super glued to your stomach and all the public humiliation worth more than 46 grand. And someone as stable as this lady probably has that kind of cash just lying around.
- 'Chicken Little' Can't Save Box Office -- But I can save you $10 and tell you to avoid this like a $2 Mexican hooker. To borrow the tagline from "Jarhead," another movie that came out this past weekend, Welcome to the suck.
Friday, November 04, 2005
I had an epiphany this morning while I was enjoying a fruit smoothie after an invigorating jazzercise class. How gay does that sound? Some of you are actually wondering if I did jazzercise, aren't you? Well just between you and me, I didn't, but I did have a fruit smoothie. The whole jazzercise thing was just an attempt at a cheap laugh.
Anyway, if you had the power for one night to reunite or resurrect one band for one show in your hometown, who would it be?
Would you bring back Elvis Presley?
Would you reunite New Kids on The Block?
So bloggers, who would it be. Make your musical dreams come true.
Well, my answer is Guns N Roses. I would love to reunite the original band and see them perform all their shit in one rocking night. It would be awesome.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
- Anybody watch "Nip/Tuck?" This week's episode featured a face cream endorsed by leather face, Joan Rivers. The secret ingredient in the cream was manchowder a.k.a male sperm. So I am going to take a guess and say that there are some folks out there rubbing cum all over their face as a beauty mask and not as a scene in "Romancing the Bone."
- Be grateful for what you have, and be true to yourself.
- The NBA started their season this week, and I watched the Bulls play Charlotte last night. My folks live in Illinois and I have gone to Chicago for business seminars, so I have been to the Windy City a few times. On my last visit I fell in love with Giordano's pizza and they kept showing commercials of their pizza during the game. Pure torture. And I know that one of my blogging pals is there right now hanging out in one of coolest cities in the world. Have fun, LBseahag.
- When I was Teen Shife, I saw Van Halen and White Lion live at the Boise State Pavillion. Me and my buddies were in the front row having the time of our lives. But tragedy struck as I was a little overzealous with a fart and ended up sharting, you know shitting my pants. I had two options, go to the bathroom and lose my seat or peel off my underwear and keep on rocking. Fortunately I had shorts on so peeling off my panties was not too difficult and Eddie Van Halen got a pair of underwear thrown on stage that he will never forget.
- I am growing bored with "Lost," but I becoming more fascinated with the show on right after it, "Invasion."
- The first vehicle I bought with my own money was a 1995 Chevy S-10. It came equipped with a tape player. I couldn't afford to replace it with a CD player until later in the summer. I only had one tape at that time, and it was Lionel Richie's "Can't Slow Down." I played it loud and proud.
- If I hit the sauce enough and there is a karoke machine within striking distance I will be singing some Backstreet Boys song before the night is over.
- I am an Air Force brat and lived in 5 different states and 1 foreign country growing up.
- I have lived in Idaho for more than 20 years.
- I have been drunk in the U.S., Canada, Mexico and Japan.
- On Halloween night, Mrs. Shife and I missed out on most of the
trick or treaters because we went to a concert. On Saturday afternoon, we are taking a friend's daughter to "Chicken Little" so we will be surrounded by little people. Karma sucks.
- My next dream concert is Green Day. I think "American Idiot" is one of the best albums of the year.
- My hair is growing back on my legs and it is very, very itchy.
- And finally, I usually can tolerate celebrities and the public's and media's obessession with them, but I extremely dislike Star Jones.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
I stumbled into the bathroom and took care of business, and as I washed my hands I noticed myself was still wearing the Dorothy outfit. For those of you who have forgotten or tried to block it out, here is a reminder.
In my drunkenness, I began to get a little excited about how nice myself looked. I was saying all the right things to myself like how I never met anyone quite as beautiful as myself. I even used a terrible pickup line -- myself must be wearing space pants because myself's ass looks out of this world.
Myself blushed a little bit, but I was quickly reminded by myself that I needed to get back to bed. But I knew myself better than that and I was ready to make some magic happen with myself.
And just as quickly as I seduced myself, I was gone.
Oh I promised myself that I would call, and I did. But now all I hear about is me, myself and I.
This confession brought to you by Punching the Clown Incorporated.
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
I know not exactly Earth-shatterning news to some of you, but hear me out.
I can't recall ever going to a concert sober. And my definition of a concert does not include the Philharmonic. I am talking rocking out with your cock out.
So ever since Mr. Shife, actually that would probably be Teen Shife, got the OK from the parental units to attend concerts, booze and live music went hand in hand. I listened to Nancy Reagan and said no to drugs, but I said yes to alcohol.
A little background about me. I attended a rural high school with not much to do on the weekends so we always tried to score beers. After high school, I spent a semester at a college in Illinois where I partied hard and basically flunked out. I then joined the Navy and really got my groove on. After playing with the seaman,
I attended the University of Idaho and joined a fraternity. U of I has an awesome Greek system and there were a lot of parties. So as you can see, I have been sculpted and transformed into a party animal. Some of you may think that I am flaming alcoholic (I have been called worse) but I just think I am an overachiever.
Anyway, so you can see why attending a concert sober is huge.
But as I reflect today on last night's show, I was just wore out. Mrs. Shife and I have been going non-stop since the end of September with weddings, trips to Mexico, our anniversary, road trips, concerts and a Halloween party. Basically we have been partying since the last week of September and my liver needed a break.
So it probably won't be the last concert I attend sober, but I wouldn't bet on it.