Friday, March 30, 2007

Gettin' Jiggy with P Diddy

I guess it isn’t “All About the Benjamins” with P Diddy.

P Diddy revealed that he had sex with his lady friend for 30 hours. I know guys like to brag about their exploits in the bedroom but sweet Lincoln’s mullet that is ridiculous.

When I first heard this story I thought maybe P Diddy was having a telethon for less fortunate vaginas that came from broken homes and needed some help. But it turns out he was just having sex with his long-time girlfriend. Good sex is great, but if you can’t wrap it up in less than 30 hours then I must have missed something when I was reading the letters to Penthouse.

I am older and more experienced now, but to get my cash and prizes to play the Gong show for 30 hours I am going to need to shoot cocaine into my penis, pop a blue pill, have a steady IV of Red Bull, and an army of masseuse midgets to keep the blood flowing and muscles loose.

And this is not taking into consideration the lady friend and her kitty. 30 hours of handling is definitely going to make the cookie crumble. I just think most ladies are going to close the fun tunnel after a few hours or they are going to be shouting their safe word of “Cinnamon” because the poonanni is sore.

If this is indeed true then P Diddy redefines the term staying power. But I am pretty sure if I told Mrs. Shife that I wanted to be a 30-hour man she would tell me to go screw myself.
Ha, you see what I did there.

Have a great weekend.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

If you are > than 30

If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up. With walking 25 miles to school every morning uphill BOTH ways through year-round blizzards. Carrying their younger siblings on their backs ... to their one-room schoolhouse, where they maintained a Straight-A average, despite their full-time, after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death! And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy!

I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no iPods or MP3s! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ usually talked over the beginning and messed it all up!

We didn't have fancy crap like call waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy caller ID boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation video games with high-resolution graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and
faster until you died! .... Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there were no such things as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire … imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot. That's exactly what I'm talking about!

You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled.

You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!

Thursday, March 22, 2007

What happens in Vegas ...

ends up on my blog.
Me and some really hot chick.

A room with a view.

The world-famous Dan Band from the movie "Old School."

I had a pink taco.

And last but certainly not least, I had my picture taken with someone I might have mentioned a time or two on this here blog of mine.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Me and Mrs. Shife are heading to Las Vegas to celebrate March Madness, St. Patrick’s Day, and someone’s birthday. Mostly we are going to celebrate my lovely wife’s birthday but it works out kinda nice that all this other stuff is going on.
  • Due to our vacation, I will probably be out of the blogosphere for about a week. If I am not back in a week, just wait longer.
  • Would it be ironical if after you donated blood you needed a blood transfusion but they were out of your blood type?
  • This is also very ironical
  • In case you ever wanted to know how liposuction worked
  • I am running 7 miles at a pace of 7:24 per mile currently in my half-marathon training. I have about 8 weeks to go until race day. My goal is to complete the race in less than 100 minutes.
  • Sorry to get political but Bill Maher had an excellent analogy about the U.S. surge currently going on in Baghdad and how the administration and right-wing media are gloating about the decrease in violence. He compared it to how an abusive husband quits beating his wife when the cops are on the front porch or a guy quits screwing his secretary when his wife walks in on him. It will be interesting to see what happens when the surge is over.
  • It was a close call about the name for my softball team but we decided to go with Scared Hitless. Thanks for all of your input.
  • Joke of the day
    A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange
    Officer: May I see your driver's license?
    Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
    Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
    Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
    Officer: The car is stolen?
    Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
    Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
    Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
    Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
    Driver: Yes, sir.
    Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
    Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
    Driver: Sure. Here it is.
    It was valid.
    Captain: Who's car is this?
    Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.
    The driver owned the car.
    Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
    Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
    Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
    Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
    Driver: No problem.
    Trunk is opened; no body.
    Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
    Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Pardon the Pun

Sorry about the lack of posts but I just regained consciousness from a Nyquil-induced coma. Sweet Linclon's mullet that stuff is wicked. I have never spent time in a Native American sweat lodge but after basking in all of Nyquil’s goodness I am pretty certain those little green pills are the equivalent. But on to more important matters …

I have a dilemma that maybe you can help me with it. I am playing co-ed softball and I am trying to come up with a team name. There are three finalists and would like to know which one is your favorite.

  • Ambushed Paddington – This term has been mentioned a few times here but I have it linked it in case you don’t remember.
  • Scared Hitless – A pun on the phrase scared shitless.
  • With Ourselves – So if you someone says “Who do you play this week?” the person’s response would be “We play With Ourselves.”

And let’s keep the fun rolling. Here is your 30 Rock quote of the day:

Jack: Steven's good man he's on partner track at Dewey and he's a Black.

Liz: A black that's offensive.

Jack: No, no. That's his name. Stephen Black... good family. Remarkable people the Black's, musical, very atheletic, not very good swimmers. Again I'm talking about the family. Black is African-American though.

Liz: Well I don't care about that.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Live, Nude Entertainment with Mr. Shife

True entertainment news is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true entertainment news and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend ... .

And thanks to that memorable quote from “Old School” that I tweaked just a little, I proudly present my views on some items that would be categorized under entertainment.

  • Some of you as long time readers of my blog might recall my love for “Arrested Development.” When the show was canceled I was crestfallen. But this year the comedic hole in my heart has been replaced by “30 Rock.” This show is funny, and you need to watch it. Visit this page for some of the great dialogue on this program. It is on Thursday nights on NBC, and it is your duty as an awesome human being to watch.
  • “300” is at theaters this weekend. Holy ball sweat does this movie look cool or what!!! Really pumped to see this cinematic extravaganza. It is playing at the IMAX here in town, and that is where I am going to be for a few hours this weekend. If you want some background on this movie, it is based on the Battle of Thermopylae in 480 BC.
  • I watched “Fast Food Nation” last night. Kinda scary. If you see this movie and “Super Size Me” and still want to eat at a fast food place then you have got a strong constitution. Basically FFN examines the health risks involved in the fast food industry and its environmental and social consequences as well. The last few minutes of the film really did me in. They actually show the process of a cow getting slaughtered.
  • “Heroes” has got to be one of the best shows on TV. Monday’s episode was superb, and now we have to wait six weeks until we get more answers. Heavy sigh.
  • I remember when I had those same feelings for “Lost.” I have talked to several folks who thought last week’s episode was a snooze and had enough of the series. I am not there yet but I just feel like I end up with a case of blue balls after each episode. The show gets you all excited like you are going to get something, and then it just cuts you off until next time.
  • It is hard to judge “24” because there are so many hours left in the day, but I just wish the plot did not seem so recycled. Don’t get me wrong I really enjoy the show, but sometimes it feels like we have been there and done that. But this show loves to surprise so that is why I don’t want to be so harsh until I have seen the entire day played out.
  • And finally I like to pass along some advice I picked up from “30 Rock”: Live every week like it is Shark Week.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Can you hear me now?

After exhausting analysis, hours and hours of mind-numbing fact finding, and formulating perplexing schematics, I may have discovered the breakthrough of the decade. Or I just bought a book at the mall that answered the question women are dying to know: "Why don't men listen?"

In the September 2005 issue of the journal Neuroimage, psychiatric researchers at the University of Sheffield reported that male and female voices activate distinct regions in the male brain. The scientists monitored the brain activity of 12 men as they listened to male and female voices. They found that in men, women's voices stimulate an area of the brain used for processing complex sounds like music. Male voices, on the other hand, activate a region of the brain used for producing imagery. This may suggest that, at least for men, the female voice is more complex and more difficult to hear and understand.

An earlier study in the July 2001 issue of Radiology also showed that men and women listen differently. In this study, researchers had 20 men and 20 women listening to a passage from a novel. While listening they underwent an MRI of the brain. A majority of the men showed exclusive activity on the left side of the brain, but a majority of women showed activity on both sides of the brain.

So as you just read there is scientific evidence to excuse the occasional male laspes in listening to their female partners especially when they are talking about shoes.

The suggested comeback if you are accused of not listening by your special lady: "Honey I try so hard to listen. It's just that my brain is incapable of doing what my heart desires." (Then go back to watching TV.)