Friday, September 30, 2005

Gimme Seven -- The Sequel

It is the end of another work week for me so the hamsters that are spinning the wheels are a little tired. So here is another fun list, at least I hope so. Last Friday we did 7 comedies, so this time it will be 7 others. They can be horror films, sci-fi, action, drama or porn for all I care, but just give your 7 favorite films that aren't designated as comedies.
I'll go first.
  1. "Casablanca"
  2. "Infernal Affairs" -- not a typo, it is infernal. It is a Hong Kong cop/action/thriller.
  3. "American Psycho"
  4. "Four Feathers"
  5. "Master and Commander"
  6. "Whale Rider"
  7. "Batman Begins"

Have a great weekend.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Stop the presses!!!

Here's a news flash for you, Jessica Alba mentioned something that most of you men and some of you ladies might find interesting. Oh the humanity, the poor kittens won't have a chance.

I am "Lost" and other thoughts about TV land

First, it appears that the ball washer aka Dirty Sanchez and the gas man are deemed the biggest idiots and get the Dumb White Guy seal of approval. This Bud's for you.

Second, I have been trying to conceal my TV obsession for some time but alas I can no longer hide it. Television is my mistress, I must heed her sweet call.

Warning: The next paragraph is a rant on the television drama, "Lost." If you do not watch this show or have not seen last night's episode, please move on to the next paragraph.

Now on to more pressing matters, I really enjoy "Lost" but my patience is running thin. The office was buzzing with how good the episode, but a co-worker and I seemed to be the only ones miffed at the first 30 minutes of the show. It just felt like an extended recap of last week's episode and they could have added the Sawyer and Micheal stuff in that premiere episode. And I didn't need Michael's flashback, I don't have "Spider-Man" senses but I am well aware that he cares deeply for Walt and will do anything for him. And was it me or did Michelle Rodriguez look pretty good for being on the island 44 days?

Bad news "Arrested Development" fans, only 4 million people watched last Monday's episode. I do believe this show's days are numbered. "My Name is Earl" lost about 4 million viewers from its premiere, but it still got almost 12 million folks to watch it. The episode was solid but not as good as the first one. God, when did I become such a TV geek.

Fox ordered more episodes of "Prison Break" and NBC did the same for "The Office," and there will be 13 new episodes of "The 4400."

Any other "Battlestar Galatica" fans out there? I was seriously depressed over the season finale. Not because it sucked, but because I have to wait until January to find out who wins the battle betweeen Cain and Adama.

Funny parody of Anna Nicole Smith's old show on E!. It's the Smurfette Show.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Thanks for not procreating

It's Wednesday and I am struggling to make it through the week. I thought I could use a little pick me up and since getting hammered at the office is out of the question, here is something almost as nice. Pick you favorite idiot. These are finalists from last year's Darwin Award, an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by removing themselves from it in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
So pick your favorite one and don't forget to vote.

#1 -- THE SNAKE CHARMER -- A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalised.

# 2 -- THE GAS MAN -- A 34 year old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2"tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward

#3 -- FULL MOON -- Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed.They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

#4 -- OCTODUMMY -- A 22 year old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle.Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground"Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

P.S. I have included a photo of octopus straps because I wasn't sure what they were and I thought someone else might also lack octopus strap knowledge.

#5 -- BALL BUSTER -- Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course.Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link.Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.

#6 -- FLAMER -- A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down killing both him and his sister.

# 7 -- GOT A LIGHT --Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion.The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

So pat yourself on the back for not being this dumb and enjoy the rest of your day.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Life with Shife

  • As a friend pointed out to me today, I have become a married metrosexual. Why? Well because not only did I concieve the idea to have a Halloween party at my house but I also designed and sent out the invitations. Yea, that is little too much "Queer Eye for the Striaght Guy." But if anyone is in Boise area on the 28th of October swing on by.
  • It has only taken 2 hurricanes, thousands of deaths, billions and billions of dollars in damage, and a public flogging before our fearless leader, W., decided maybe Americans should conserve more and we might need to find alternative energy sources. Here's the link to the story.
  • New friend of the program, Max Powers, had an awesome He-Man cartoon on his blog. It reminded me of all the cool animation that has on its site. This link is to a He-Man cartoon with some tweaking. If you are a fan of "The Big Lebowski" you are going to love this one. And there are some awesome G.I. Joe ones as well.
  • Looking forward to a new episode of "My Name is Earl" tonight, and "Arrested Development" was great again last night.
  • Another highlight from my weekend: I went to a wedding Saturday and everyone was giving the bride and groom toasts. Well the brother of the bride gave his speech and I swear it was just like the scene from "Old School" when Mitch starts rambling on during his speech, "True love is hard to find, sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend." And then Beanie takes the mic.
    Well the brother is tanked and is all over the place with his speech, people are telling him to wrap it up and finally the best man, who was sitting next to him, grabs the microphone. It was awesome.
  • Former FEMA chief Mike Brown blames Louisiana. Hell, I think we should quit being so sensitive and just blame the real culprit, Mother Nature.

Monday, September 26, 2005

He ate a flippin' snake

I saw some things this weekend that I will be haunted by for a long time. On Friday, I went to a bachelor party for a friend of mine and it appeared to be a normal party. Lots of beer, booze, cards, food, etc. But then it happened, it would be the jar of vodka that was broken out. There was something special about this vodka. First it was from India and second it had 4-foot-long King Cobra snake fermenting in the vodka. This would be India's version of the tequila worm.
I did a search on the web, and the best thing I could find was this link, and here is a photo from the Internet but I don't know who those people are. I have never seen a King Cobra before, and I sure as shit have never seen one in a giant jar of vodka. Fucking wild shit. So the bottle gets passed around but I do not partake because for some odd reason the thought of drinking this vodka is not appealing to me. So as the night progresses, boys will be boys, and someone pulls the snake out of the jar and starts chasing people around with it. I mean the snake is dead so what's the harm, but it is still creepy seeing a nasty, bad ass looking snake coming towards you. Then someone says the fateful words, "I bet you $100 you won't eat that snake." The house is suddenly quiet as everyone stops dead in their tracks to make sure they heard what they think they did. Then, the silence is broken by a "Fuck ya I will." Fueled by liquid courage, the brave soul takes the snake out to the barbecue and cooks the vermin for a good 10 minutes and then brings well-done King Cobra inside for everyone to witness a vile moment I will never forget. He takes the snakes head and just starts eating and eating and eating. It was so gross. But, hey he got $100.
Oh but there is more. Some of the older gentlemen at the party heard that the bachelor of honor did not want adult entertainment and they thought that was a sack of bullshit. So they get on the horn and order some strippers for the evening. Now, I have been to enough bachelor parties to know that one of the keys to having a successful evening is having quality entertainment. And that means doing some due diligence and investing some time to find good strippers. Well the older gentlemen placed their call at 6:30 on Friday evening during the party, and the strippers arrived at 9:30 that evening. So can you only imagine what we saw? I am not going to be a complete pig and degrade this women, but let's just say that should consider a job where are they required to keep their clothes on.
So that was just my Friday evening, and I have some more anecdotes from the weekend but I will share those later.
Have a good Monday.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Gimme Seven

I have two things working against me today -- It's Friday and a lot of people are turning their attention to Hurricane Rita so I will keep things short and sweet. So gimme me your top 7 comedies. You can do more or less but just give me a list of movies that make you laugh.
I'll go first.
  1. "Animal House"
  2. "Caddyshack"
  3. "Old School"
  4. "The Big Lebowski"
  5. "O Brother Where Art Thou"
  6. "Wedding Crashers"
  7. "Sorority Boys"

I know that #7 might be a head scratcher for some of you but that movie just cracks me up.

P.S. I just found this on and it is Jon Stewart's skit from the Emmys. Very funny stuff.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Grand Theft Blog

I was going to let sleeping dogs lie but I have been accused of stealing or blogarism. I am not going to mention any names but here is what happened. On Wednesday, I posted a blog with 2 interesting photos and asked whoever stopped by to post some funny captions. Those of you who know what I am talking about also know that I began this very blog by stating that I had seen this idea by several other bloggers and thought it was a cool idea and wanted to give it a try. That's it -- nothing fancy. I never took credit for the idea. Well today someone accused me of stealing their idea. I kindly apologized and said I was inspired and didn't steal their idea. The accuser would have nothing of it. I even removed the so-called offensive blogarism from my blog as a peace offering, but they were steadfast in their conviction. I tried to take the high road but I have been fuming about this more and more this evening.
I guess the accuser must feel like Al Gore when he invented the Internet.
The accuser seems to think this is an original idea. I guess kind of like when I thought I discovered an awesome new trick in the 6th grade when I learned that my penis could spit stuff out after I rubbed it a few times. Or when my wife and I went to an exotic location after we got married for a week to relax after the wedding. People should really do this and if the travel agency started marketing it right with a clever name they could really make a fortune.
I guess I am disappointed because I found the accusers blog entertaining and amusing but I can't see a reason to visit the blog anymore because the accuser got so pissed off about something so petty. If I went on the accusers blog and stole their post word for word then you would have a reason to be mad but come on you are not the inventor of the caption contest. Maybe I am wrong, if so, then you better fire off a cease and desist letter to the fine folks at Maxim because they have stolen the idea as well. You might want to send one off to these fellas too because they even use the same day as you.
So in honor of Jayson Blair, Hollywood, boob jobs, reality tv, the New England Patriots, parents who name their kids Emily, people who watched "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" on July 30, 2003, this jerkoff in North Providence, Rhode Island, these dudes and Jason Lee, I proudly present this completely unoriginal, stolen and totally ripped off idea. I shall call you, the day wedged between Thursday and Saturday funny caption day. Enjoy yourself.

"You should see what I can shoot out of my ass!"

Observations from the dumb, white guy

  • Thanks to everyone who participated in the caption contest. Your prize is in the mail.
  • The premiere of "Lost" was good, but dammit, now we have another mystery. Who the hell are you weird guy who lives in a bunker making smoothies and listening to '60s music?
  • What the hell is going on with the weather? The good ol' U.S. of A must have some bad karma or God is just being a dick.
  • My liver has just asked my body for a transfer. I just sent out a memo to all the big guys i.e. the liver, bladder, kidneys, penis, sphincter, etc. that it is going to be a long weekend. We have a bachelor party on Friday, a wedding Saturday afternoon and a football game Saturday night, and my wedding anniversary Sunday. Holy crap. I might be calling in sick on Monday.
  • Fill up your cars cause it looks like gas prices are going to rise again.
  • Bad news for "Arrested Development" fans, only 4.6 million viewers for the season premiere.
  • So are there any new TV shows out there that are worth my time?
  • "Battlestar Galatica" season finale tomorrow.
  • For all of you who are affected by Rita please be safe.
  • Another memo to ESPN: Please remove Barry Bond's penis from your ass.
  • I feel like a virgin touched for the very first time.

The Dude: What's in the fuckin' carrier?
Walter Sobchak: Huh? Oh, that's Cynthia's dog. I think it's a Pomeranian. I can't leave him home alone or he eats the furniture. I'm watching him while Cynthia and Marty Ackerman are in Hawaii.
The Dude: You brought the fuckin' Pomeranian bowling?
Walter Sobchak: What do you mean brought it bowling, Dude? I didn't rent it shoes. I'm not buying it a fucking beer. He's not taking your fucking turn, Dude.
The Dude: Man, if my fuckin' ex-wife asked me to take care of her fuckin' dog while she and her boyfriend went to Honolulu I'd tell her to go fuck herself.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

White shirt contest

If you ever want to shake things up at the office there are many things you can do like spreading rumors or making out with the cleaning lady. But anyone can do that stuff so I have come up with a couple of new ideas that I think would be quite amusing. The first one really only applies to guys, sorry ladies, but you are more than welcome to try it. So if you work in a business professional environment wear a nice collared white dress shirt to work that is one size too small, kind of like the dude in the picture but like tighter. No big deal, right? But here is the fun part, do not wear a t-shirt underneath and also put a little Crisco or Vaseline on your nipples so you will have some super sweet grease stains on your radio dials all day at work. It will be even more amusing if you have the Chewbacca look going on. I tried to insert an image of a hairy man here but a Google search of those keywords brings up a lot of gay porn so I threw up a little bit inside of my mouth and had to quit that adventure.
Next, get a megaphone and hang out in one of the bathroom stalls at work. Just sit there and wait for an innocent victim to come in and just start yelling at them when they are doing their business. Or better yet wait until they are done and washing their hands and then 0ut of nowhere and completely unexpected they hear megaphone voice, "Why does your penis look so angry?" You can insert your own workplace banter but that was just my suggestion.

Also the season premiere of "Arrested Development" was fabulous, and tonight another one of my favorites has its premiere, "Nip/Tuck." And if there are any Cowboy fans out there -- ouch, it sucks to be you right now.

Christian: [in reference to the vandalizing of his car] I'm serious, I felt violated. The last time I felt like this was back in the early 90s when some girl shoved her finger up my butt with no warning.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Inspired by Jack Black

Last night me and Mrs. Shife watched a movie to pull me out of my football depression (yes the Cardinals lost again) and we chose "High Fidelity." It is a great movie and I love John Cusack but Jack Black steals the show. So my inspiration comes from the last scene in the movie when he performs on stage with his band and he says the name of the band. The group went from Sonic Death Monkey to Kathleen Turner Overdrive to finally Barry Jive and the Uptown Five. So if you had a band what would your name be?
And how many times has John Cusack been out in a pouring rain storm during one of his movies? Think about it.

Finally, my favorite show returns tonight, "Arrested Development."

Narrator: In an effort to "hip" up his act, GoBb had briefly introduced a puppet.
[Gob is acting as a black puppet named Franklin in front of the family]
Gob: [as Franklin] Can I tell you something, my man?
Gob: [as himself] Sure, Franklin.
Gob: [as Franklin] You are one cool [bleep]
Gob: [as Franklin] Speaking of mothers, let me give that oatmeal some brown sugar. [the puppet "kisses" Lucille]
George Sr.: Get off my wife, you bastard! [strangles Franklin]
Gob: [as Franklin] What's the matter with you?
Gob: [as himself] Franklin said some things Whitey wasn't ready to hear.
Michael: G.O.B, weren't you also mercilessly beaten outside of a club in Torrance for that act? Gob: He also said some things that African-American-y wasn't ready to hear either.

Friday, September 16, 2005

24 hours

I had an interesting day yesterday so I thought I would give you a recap.
  • First, thank you all for your concern regarding my itchy asshole. I appreciate the advice and I am glad to report that the itchies and my asshole are no longer friends.
  • You always take a risk when you try out a new Chinese restaurant especially a Chinese buffet. But here is a clue that you won't be returning to this eating establishment, the moment the food touches your lips you crap your pants.
  • I am going for the trifecta here when it comes to my assy region so bear with me. I have written before about the supplements that I am taking before on my blog and one of the side effects is a complete hiney meltdown. Lately things have been good so there haven't been any mad dashes to the toilet during my workout. But last night was a different story. I am on the treadmill running and rocking out to Green Day with Bob the Ipod when the volcano inside my ass decides to go active. The grumblings from the belly and the tidal wave of the cha chas heading directly for the Southern border. It's a jail break. We are going to have an eruption in 5, 4, 3, .... I override the asscano and clinch the cheeks together. It is like a scene from a heist movie when the security system becomes active and these huge ginormous walls come closing down to trap everything inside. I calmly excuse myself from the treadmill and head to the lavatroy, which is located in the men's locker room. As soon as I enter the room of lockers I am greeted by a naked 90-year-old man toweling off his cash and prizes. I am hysterically blinded for a brief moment as I have seen Skeletor's bucket of yuck. Yea, that's right I checked out Grandpa's package. I need to know what kind of situation I will be facing when I enter the golden years. Anyway, I make my way to the toilet and blast a portal to hell.
    Yes it is time to take a new supplement.
  • Finally, my beloved basset, Quincy, has been head butting my nuts lately. I don't know if he thinks they are a pinata or if he is playing a twisted version of human battleship with me, but he has scored two direct hits on my destroyer. And I can't really return the favor because his twins have been lost at sea for many years now.

    Have a great weekend.

Mitch: I've had a hell of a day and even worse week. And all I want to do is get some fucking sleep.
Beanie: Whoa. Whoa. Why the F-ing? Why in front of the kid? All ya gotta do is say "earmuffs" to him, and you can say "Fuck, shit, bitch."
Frank: Cock. Balls.
Beanie: I'm just trying to make a point, Frank. You don't have to celebrate it.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Just imagine if you will

I have got an itchy asshole and it is so itchy and uncomfortable that I can't even concentrate for more than a minute. So since my itchy asshole requires my complete attention this is all I have for you today. Thanks a lot itchy asshole.

OK, so here it is, pick someone one famous, dead or alive, that you would want to be trapped in an elevator with for 8 hours?
Please choose wisely.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

More observations from the dumb, white guy

  • I gave my blog an extreme makeover and I have had only one complaint so I guess it is OK.
  • DucatiMike was one of my first blogging buddies, but he has been missing in action for almost a month. Please come back Mike, please.
  • Google added a cool new tool that lets you search all blogs with certain keywords.
  • I have been sent several e-mails today inquiring if I want to safely and permanently increase my penis size. Should I be worried?
  • Barry Bonds is back. I don't care and memo to ESPN, I don't need to be updated on his every at-bat.
  • Even the slowest boat gets across the river.
  • I am glad Bush has taken responsibility for the Katrina disaster. Now fix it. All these politicians need to quit pointing fingers and playing the blame game. I have an idea, be a revolutionary and proactive leader by just fixing the problems and then point out all the problems after the fact. I read somewhere that this is the Japanese philosophy. They fix the problem first, then figure out who to blame later. What a novel concept.
  • May all of your ups and downs be between the sheets.
  • Entrepreneurial idea: Man candles. Candles that smell like strip clubs, strippers, monster truck shows, garages, football games, keggers, etc.
  • Invention idea: Something that unblurs the blurs on TV. You know on a show like "Cops" where they blur out people's faces or nudity, well someone should invent a device where you can unblur that stuff.
  • Another invention idea: A telephone that comes equipped with a breathalyzer. If you blow over a 1.5, it won't work. It will save you from embarrassment and regret when you try to make those love calls at 3 in the morning to your junior high sweetheart because you are drunk, horny and lonely.
  • Great line to use on a buddy who thinks he is God's gift to everything -- I recognize that shirt from the I'm not having any sex catalog.

Ron Burgundy: You are a smelly pirate hooker!
Veronica Corningstone: You look like a blueberry!
Ron Burgundy: Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island!
Veronica Corningstone: Well you... have bad hair!

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Observations from the dumb, white guy

  • I have not quite recovered from my failed foot modeling career.
  • How this for frightening? You wake up one day and find out that your penis is gay. The rest of your body is straight but you get aroused by men instead of women now.
  • Dane Cook is one funny dude.
  • I am in the process of changing the design on my blog because I am not liking the current look.
  • My liver is going to take a pounding for the next six weeks because I am going to hanging out with my wang out. Well, OK, I probably won't be doing that but I will be partying like a rock star.
    This weekend: Wedding reception
    Sept. 23: Bachelor party
    Sept. 24: Wedding
    Oct. 1: Wedding
    Oct. 8: Wedding
    Oct. 15: Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers concert in Mexico
    Oct. 22: Road trip to University of Idaho to watch a football game
    Oct. 29: Halloween weekend
    Oct. 31: Concert featuring Cross Canadian Ragweed and Dierks Bentley
    Nov. 1: Check into detox
  • Season finale of "Rescue Me" tonight.
  • Finally, I spent two hours on the phone last night canceling some credit cards. What part of no is so hard to comprehend? Here is how the scene plays out:
    1) I call the 1-800 number and wait 10 minutes before I speak with a human but I am reminded every 60 seconds that my call is important to them.
    2) I speak with human and after telling them all pertinent information to confirm that I am who I say I am and they ask how can they help me.
    3) I tell them I want to cancel my card and then they tell me how sorry they are for losing me as a customer, but they must transfer me to another department that handles these requests.
    4) So repeat step 1 and 2.
    5) Human asks me why I am canceling and I tell them I am performing as JoJo the Indian Circus Boy with the local carnival and there is no need for credit cards when I am going to make a fortune as a circus performer.
    6) apparently my reason is not good enough as the human gives me some really great reasons to continue my relationship with the credit card.
    7) I politely decline and I guess declining only makes human more aggressive in pushing the benefits of credit card upon you.
    8) Finally I say unless you can produce a monkey fucking a coconut in my backyard then I am going to cancel the credit card.
    9) Human finally relinquishes and admits defeat. Victory is mine.
    10) Wash hands and repeat as necessary.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Weekend recap

I watched a lot of football and drank too much beer. I am running at 75% today so be gentle on me if this post kind of sucks. Well, my college team, the University of Idaho Vandals, lost another tough game against UNLV. The Rebels kicked a field goal as time expired to win the game 34-31. I was watching over at my friend's house so Quincy was in no immediate danger of receiveing rib shots but I punished my liver by slamming about a million beers.
Sunday marked the first day of the NFL season for my professional team, the Arizona Cardinals, and they played pretty good for the first half, but unfortunately the NFL requires that you play four full quarters and they got pounded in the second half to lose 42-19.
So I am trying to decide which is a worse torture method, a) Having to sit through a heartbreaking Vandal loss and watch the Cardinals get thumped or b) have my butt cheeks super glued together and pulled apart with a rusty butter knife.
I am leaning towards the super glue.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Break out the map

you are going to need it because I am going to be all over the place with this one.
  • OK, first off, at the gym last night I noticed the music they play more than I usually do not because it was loud because it was so horrible. This is what was played in order until I kindly asked them to change it. First it was YMCA, then Love Shack, followed by Macarena, and then as my motivation is slowly dying, Mickey. These songs really don't belong in the gym unless Richard Simmons is teaching swim aerobics to all the fat ladies from the old country or there is rave going on for 35-year-old men who still live at home and still think the Commodore 64 kicks ass.
  • Next on the agenda, Cross Canadian Ragweed is playing at club here in Boise for Halloween and me and Mrs. Shife got our tickets so now we just need some costume ideas. Last year I was Fat Elvis and she was a hot vampire. I am leaning towards going as Slutajawea the Indian hooker or a as GLOW, Gorgeous Lady of Wrestling. Do you notice a trend there? Yes it is the only time of the year I can dress like a woman and not feel ashamed.
  • We are test driving another 4Runner tonight so if anyone has any advice on this particular brand of vehicle please feel free to share.
  • The Daily Show has been absolutely amazing this week. Jon Stewart is a funny and intelligent man. Loved the clip last night of somebody off camera telling Vice President Cheney to go fuck himself.
  • The NFL season got started and it looks like I already made a bad fantasy football decision by not starting Deion Branch as my third receiver.
  • Here are a couple of blurbs from the latest Newsweek. Regarding Homeland Security, "Four years after 9/11, what happens in an emergency? No food, no medical aid, no law. Do you feel safer?"
    And regarding Congress, "After cutting funds pre-Katrina to fix N.O. levees, it's set to pass another huge tax cut for the superrich. Typical."
  • Finally I want to end this week on a positive note and I saw this letter in the latest issue of Men's Fitness and I thought it was a great piece of literature.
    "When I find it hard to drag my tired ass off the sofa after a long day at work, I think about my hereos: My sister, who was lost to cancer; my mother, a three-time cancer survivor; and Lance Armstong. I know that sooner or later death will catch up to me, but I'm going to do my best to ensure that when he does, the son of a bitch is sweating, panting, and clutching his chest."
    Bruce Cluck, Gettysburg, PA

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Sick and tired of all the political bull shit

I apologize in advance for those of you expecting an amusing anecdote from my life but I am about to blow a gasket and I need to vent. What has gotten me so upset? Well I am going through My Yahoo! webpage and I read the story about how Gov. Schwarzenegger plans to veto gay marriages. First my thoughts on gay marriage are simple, I believe people are born gay and if you are fortunate enough to find someone to love and cherish for the rest of your life then you should be able to get married. But what I am really upset about is not the gay marriage but how these conservative groups use all of their time and resources to make sure the gay marriage issue gets veteod. I just think there are a lot of shitty things in this world and two men or two women wanting to get married is certainly not one of them. I just wish these lobbyist groups would focus on more important things that will make more of an impact on our lives like global warming, water conservation, pollution, etc. Maybe they can take their resources and lobby the Bush administration to figure out why citizens in the so-called greatest nation on this planet were living in poverty and couldn't afford gas let alone a car to leave New Orleans in the first place.
That's it I am done. Have a nice day.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Welcome to planet Earth -- Home of some real stupid bastards.

I love these things and instead of trying to be clever today I am just going to add this list of the "I hope they didn't reproduce" awards to my blog.

Darwin Award Winners
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....

And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun,demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast . The man, frustrated, walked away.

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Labor Day weekend summary

It was a great weekend. Sarah and I did pretty much what we wanted. We will be taking our act on the road for weddings and what not for the next five weekends so we took full advantage of the holiday by doing nothing. So look for the Shifley tour at a metropolitan statistical area near you in the immediate future. I don't have too many observations from the three days off but here is the best of the best.

  • I must be getting older because I actually played golf again this weekend.
  • Quincy got really drunk.

  • What an ironic ending for the Miami-Florida State game. I was pulling for the 'Canes but apparently Karma had a one-night stand with the Seminoles.
  • I have been owned by Quincy for nearly six years and he still does stuff that makes me laugh out loud. We took him to a park to run around and send some pee-mails to his buddies. Anyway we get there and he is gallivanting and there is another lady at the park with a couple of dogs. So I called Quincy over to put his leash on him and to avoid a three-dog pileup, and much to my surprise the fat basset came running over to me. I leaned down to grab his collar and put on his leash when Quincy, as graceful as an overweight hound dog could, gave me a head fake and turned around to head towards the lady with two dogs. Sarah doubled over with laughter and I had to run down the pooch before he could sniff some butts.
  • Went to the local comedy club and have an image of a raccoon and a dog having sex that will be hard to erase for quite some time.
  • I saw "Ong Bak: Thai Warrior" this weekend. The movie had a lot of buzz so I checked out the DVD. The main character does all of his own stunts and there are no special effects so the action scenes were amazing but the movie itself was kind of a letdown.
  • I watched "Road House" last night and it is funny to see how much our culture has changed in 15 years.
  • I think I watched about 20 hours of college football, and the biggest surprise was Oklahoma getting beat at home by TCU. I have never been a big fan of Bob Stoops so it was nice to see them lose especially at home.
  • Flirted with the idea of buying a new to us car. We test drove a Toyota Highlander and a 4Runner but couldn't pull the trigger on the deal. Sarah really likes the 4Runner so if anyone has some advice on these cars please pass it along.
  • Also flirted with the idea of getting a new TV. But still not ready to pull the trigger on this deal either. What is holding me up is that I need to get a new receiver from DirectTV if I get an HDTV but I also need to keep my good friend, TiVo. Unfortunately the only HD receiver with TiVo costs about $700 right now and I am going to continue to wait.
  • Baked spaghetti is really, really good.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Recap of the 2005 season opener at the Shifley house

So I am running around the house like a one-eyed cat in a fish store waiting for the Idaho vs. Wazzu game to start.
I was pretty excited.
Wazzu wins the toss and elects to receive. It is a touchback. Sweet, our kicker finally learned how to kick it far.
1st and 10 from the 20 for the Cougs. It's a hand off and whooosh, he's gone 80 yards to the end zone. Touchdown Wazzu.
Crowd goes wild.
Matt looks for something to throw at the TV and a diatribe of expletives come flowing out of his mouth.
It went something like this, "Curse word, curse word, curse word, threaten Quincy my dog with rib shots, curse word, curse word."
OK, I calm down. I talk myself off the ledge. The team was all pumped up and excited and missed a few tackles so it's OK. We are only down 7. We can get that back easy.
Washington State kicks it off to Idaho. Our return guy brings it out and he is popped at the 15 and fumbles the ball. Wazzu recovers and a few plays later it is 14-0.
69 seconds have elapsed off the game clock and it is 14-0.
How about some deja vu. Matt looks for something to throw at the TV and a diatribe of expletives come flowing out of his mouth.
It went something like this, "Curse word, curse word, curse word, threaten Quincy my dog with rib shots, curse word, curse word."
Seriously I am jumping off the ledge now. No way I am coming back inside. It's over.
My wife, Sarah, plays the role of a suicide hotline operator and calmly talks Matt down but only after she lures him away with the nectar of the Gods, cold beer.
The game continues and Idaho actually starts to make a contest out of it and the final score is 38-26. Last year they beat us 49-8 and we didn't score a TD until the final minute of the game.
This year it is 24-19 towards the end of the 3rd quarter so the Vandals are making strides.
And I had a few too many cocktails as well but it is all good because I have a three-day weekend to recover.
I hope everyone stays safe and sound over the Labor Day and I will leave you with a thought that has been troubling me, what is the proper etiquette at a nude beach for a man if he becomes aroused?

Thursday, September 01, 2005

College football is back baby!!

Again I am pretty busy so I have to keep this short and sweet.
I am graduate of the University of Idaho and the football team starts their season tonight against one of our rivals, Washington State. Both schools are separated by 8 miles, but Wazzu thinks they are vastly superior because they are bigger and in the PAC-10. Idaho is 29 point underdogs so it is not looking good for the Vandals, but the sun shines on a dog's ass every now and then. Anyway I will be in full on Tourette's Syndorome mode tonight when I watch the game and our dog Quincy had better have his radar up and running tonight because there will other things flying aroung besides curse words.

Also sports fans I am no longer on my self-imposed baseball strike. Every year I take about a month off from watching my team, St. Louis Cardinals, because I get too worked up and all bent out of shape if they are playing not up to my expectations. Basically, I am just weird. Anyway I am back watching and they did alright without me as they are in first place by 14 games and have the best record in the game.