Thursday, September 27, 2007

The Name Game

I heading back to Moscow this weekend to watch another University of Idaho football game so this post will be short since I am leaving tomorrow. Are you ready?
  1. If I was a stripper I think my stage name would be Epiphany.
  2. I would kill my parents if they named me Cliff and my last name was Hanger.
  3. Since there are no gay people in Iran it doesn't matter, but I would name a bar there that catered to the homesexual population "Gayatollahs."
  4. If I had a pseudonym it would be Bob Galliono.
  5. My safe word is cinnamon, but it also makes an excellent stripper name.
  6. Porn girl name -Nita S. Pankin
  7. Porn boy name - Oliver Klozof
  8. Best college football player name. You have to click the link because you would not believe me even if I told you.
  9. The best name for my office is the Black Hole of Suck or Circling the Drain.
  10. And for my last entry I think I will just go with a good name for a basset hound - Quincy.

Have a good weekend.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Happy Anniversary

I usually devote this space to my idiotic ramblings and sometimes amusing anecdotes, but today this blog of mine is dedicated to the most important person in my life, my lovely wife. Today is our third wedding anniversary, and on this day three years ago you made me the happiest person in the world. So Mrs. Shife here is your first surprise on our anniversary.

To My Wonderful Wife
Mrs. Shife

How do I begin to tell you how lucky I am
to have you in my life?
I'll start by saying what a gift you gave me
the day you became my wife.

You're my best friend in the good times
and my rock in times of sorrow.
You're the reason for sweet yesterdays
and my promise for tomorrow.

I never thought I could feel this loved
until you became my wife.
You made this year and every year
the best one of my life.

Love always,
Mr. Shife

Friday, September 21, 2007

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Are you sick of OJ yet?
  • The last time I checked Halloween is Oct. 31, correct? It is crazy that stores have already rolled out their Halloween collection.
  • Speaking of Halloween coming early, I got my bolts for my Frankenstein costume already. What? I got two large zits on my neck and they hurt like hell. Anyway they were positioned right where Frank’s bolts would be.
  • And since I am on the subject of zits on my neck, which one do you like – acneck or neckne? Or you could just go with zits on the neck. If you fellow bloggers want to get together and discuss names for zits on other parts of your body, then let me know. For example, I imagine dickne would not be pleasant.
  • I am making my home debut at the University of Idaho this Saturday. Going up with some friends to watch the Vandals play some football.
  • And here is some exciting news – I picked up my first cold of the season. Awesome. I went to bed last night at 7 p.m. That is balls-to-the-walls excitement right there people. Where is my reality show?

Have a great weekend.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Conversations with the Commander-in-Chief

Occasionally I speak with the man who resides below my belt, and he is the Commander-in-Chief of the Underpants Navy (CICOTUN). I thought about making the title of the post “Conversations with my Penis,” but I am really trying to rise above vulgar language. Right. That is a load crap. I just wanted to have a more mysterious title to lure in unsuspecting Republicans.
Anyway, I do talk to the CICOTUN (If I was really smart I would have come up with an acronym spelled COK or DIK) every now and then. They are by no means devastating conversations; just the casual stuff that you would expect from a guy and his CICOTUN. For example, there was the time when I told him how cool he was because he was no longer bald or the time I begged him to go away when he decided to check out my junior high PE class. One time the CICOTUN received a lengthy scolding during my freshman year of college when he decided not to rise to the occasion after he had a little too much to drink or there was a time recently when he got a Get Well card from me because I got a little carried away with the manscaping. Our most recent conversation involved the possibility of what he would look like on TV. Now before you start thinking porno just hear me out. The CICOTUN and I are watching the HBO series, “Rome.” It is a great show, but it has a lot of violence and nudity – especially male frontal nudity. The old saying goes that TV adds 10 pounds so now do you see where this is heading. The CICOTUN was just curious what he would look like if he had to do a frontal nudity scene on TV.

I didn’t know what to tell him, and he has been asking me about it all week. Just popping up and asking if he can be on television. The CICOTUN has a hard-on for being on TV.

I have threatened to take a little blue pill and let him deal with an erection for up to four hours.

The CICOTUN has threatened to show up at the most inconvenient time like when I am a getting a physical from my doctor.

Someone is getting spanked tonight.

Friday, September 14, 2007

The Biscuit Story

I had a memory resurface this week that I thought I would share with my beloved blogging community. I went to school at the University of Idaho, and about 8 miles to the west is Washington State University. Yep, that it is. I finally remembered where I went to college.

Just kidding – on with the story.

I am a Delta Chi, and Wazzu had a Delta Chi chapter. During my time at school, the Wazzu D-Chis were not a very strong house. But occasionally, we would visit our brothers across the border because of one paramount factor – girls. Washington State has about 15,000 more students than Idaho, and that means a lot more boobies. You could say it was a target rich environment. So as young, impressionable freshmen, me and some brothers headed over. Six of us crammed into a 1992 Ford Bronco with visions of entering a land where goddess-like (and of course scantily-clad) women walked up to you with a beer in one hand, a condom in the other, and room key in their mouth. Yes, me and my friends were indeed young, dumb, and full of spermatozoon.

Once we arrived at the Wazzu Delta Chi house we realized our mental picture had got beaten and battered unconscious by reality. Evidently besides not a being a strong house, the Wazzu guys are also a safe haven for women who enjoy living life to the fullest if you know what I mean. Sir Mix-A-Lot would have been drooling. Baby got back and I think she ate Becky. We tried to make the best of it, but most of us were ready to go 30 seconds after we walked in to the house. The one problem was our sober driver likes them big, and he was in heaven. He looked as happy as a two-peckered puppy at a poodle parade. So we did what brave men do in tough situations, and drank ourselves retarded.

As the night progressed we discovered that we were out of our own beer, and must stand in line to get some keg beer. Well duty calls, and me and a buddy are in a long line waiting when we notice that we are the only guys in line. We are surrounded by the nightmare on Monroe Street, and these women wanted more than beer. These ladies wanted action and it looked like no was not on the menu today. I am panicking, trying to figure out how I am going to survive. Sure I am a kindhearted, charitable man, but this was beyond my generosity comfort level. I scanned the scene again and there it was … my golden ticket just sitting there on top of the fridge – a box of dog biscuits. Now I would love to know what you are thinking right now. But let me be clear I might have a mean streak but I would never publicly humiliate anyone but myself or someone I was good friends with. With that being said, I grabbed four dog biscuits, gave two to my friend and two to myself, gave him the look, and we both proceeded to eat the dog biscuits. And just like that we were no longer wanted men.

The moral of the story is that a dog biscuit is man’s best friend.

Have a good weekend.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

I am crestfallen

I began the 2007 NFL season full of hope and great expectations.
Well hope and expectations just caught the 3:10 to Yuma.
Every year I do this to myself. Am I glutton for punishment? Or am I just an idiot?
You see my favorite team is the Arizona Caridnals. The Cardinals are the definition of bad. You could say they own real estate in the Black Hole of Suck.
They have had one winning season in the last 20 years.
Yes, that is correct. One.
It is like waiting for The Flock of Seagulls to have another hit.
Whoever said hope springs eternal can suck it.
Anyway they lost last night in heartbreaking fashion, and I mourn yet again.

Friday, September 07, 2007

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Humble apologies to you dear reader. It has been several Ambushed Paddingtons and a Dirty Sanchez since I last blogged. (And if you really want to know what a DS is then look it up but not at work) My anticipated return from the Black Hole of Suck was a little premature. I guess I had premature suckulation. Maybe there is a little blue pill for this. Ahhhh that new suck smell … you gotta love it.

    On with the show.

  • I don’t need the assistance of pharmaceuticals to envision that I might go insane in the immediate future.
  • The beloved basset had to have 13 skin tags (the dog equivalent of warts) removed from his furvacious body. They electrocuted them off. Personally I think he looks like an ashtray because he has burn marks all over him.
  • My favorite actor has a new movie coming out today. No The Hoff is not starring in Mitch Buchannon (FYI, the Hoff's character in Baywatch) and the Temple of Speedos . I am talking about Christian Bale. It is called “3:10 to Yuma” and I think it is about a crazy Greyhound bus driver on his route to Yuma from Kalamazoo. Or it could be a kick-ass Western.
  • You would think I would have more to talk about since I have been absent for a little while now, but I really don’t. Maybe I am completely out of Confessions. Maybe I will have to change the name of my blog to Fabrications of a Dumb, White Guy.
  • Three good arguments that Jesus was a woman: He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food, he kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it, and even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do!
  • What do you think of this? A clever Tampon ad? Or why is there a pool in the middle of nowhere? Or maybe this lady has some nasty ass matter?

Well that’s all folks. Hopefully I will only be in the Blue Hole of Suck next week so I can post on a regular basis. Mrs. Shife suggested the Brown Hole of Suck but that just brings up some really bad imagery.

Have a great weekend. Get your drink on if you are into that type of behavior, and remember you are the tops.