Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Halloween 2006

Well here are some photos from the Shifley's Halloween Extravaganza. I should have some more later, but the photos are still trickling in. It was a great night, and I hope everyone has a great Halloween.

Nacho Libre and Mrs. Shife, who is Monica Lewinsky.

Mrs. Shife and Mr. Shife, who was Captain of the Fallopian Swim Team.

And here is the other side of my costume. Yes, indeed, I wore a Speedo thong.

Taking a little drinky while I am rocking the mic with a buddy.

And this is, in my opinion, the best picture of the night. The St. Louis Cardinals celebrating their World Series Championship.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Can I ask you a question?

Don't have too much time to blog this week because I am taking a long weekend to help get ready for my Halloween party (I can't wait to share the pictures). So I will keep it short and sweet, and ask that you bare your soul to me or you can just answer these silly questions.

  1. Favorite new TV show?

  2. Favorite old TV show?

  3. Favorite new movie within the past 6 months?

  4. And if you could go to a double feature drive-in movie theatre, what two films would you want to see?

Here are my answers:

  1. Heroes

  2. The Office

  3. The Prestige

  4. Casablanca and The Big Lebowski

Until then, the dude is not in until Monday.

Have a lovely weekend, and watch out for unchecked aggression.

Friday, October 20, 2006

This thong's not for you

OK, here is an awesome way to start the weekend. First let me set things up for you.
Mrs. Shife is going out of town this weekend with her sister. I was to meet my lovely wife at lunchtime so we could switch cars, and her sister was also meeting Mrs. Shife at our house. So there is the premise, and here is the action.
I was the first to arrive at humble abode, and since I was not going to see Mrs. Shife all weekend, I wanted to make her laugh. I greeted the fat basset, and then headed to the bedroom to get out the device that would induce giggles. I love going for a cheap laugh at my own expense and I knew this would do the trick. After much shuffling through my panty drawer, I find the 100% cotton masterpiece – a white thong. Don’t ask me how this banana hammock came into my possession, but I own one, and I swear I have never worn it. I have never even broken it out for my wife. It just has been buried in the drawer for years. Anyway, I throw it on, and any manly feelings I had were tossed out the window. Nothing about wearing these plum smugglers makes you feel sexy, at least to me. So while I am changing, I am completely oblivious to the fact that Mrs. Shife’s sister arrived and came inside. She saw the vehicle in the driveway and thought Mrs. Shife was already in the house. So she comes in and is hanging out in the TV room.
Here is the recap for you scoring at home: I am in the back bedroom wearing nothing but a pair of white thongs. My sister-in-law is in the TV room waiting for Mrs. Shife, thinking she is in the back bedroom getting ready or something like that. Do you see where this is going?
Anyway the phone rings so I head out of the bedroom, down the hall, take a right past the laundry room, and walk into the TV room to get the phone and redefine the term embarrassed. The look on my sister-in-law’s face was priceless, and I am sure it was even better when I turned around to run back into the bedroom and she saw that I was wearing a thong.

Yep, that is what I needed to make me feel closer to my sister-in-law: Let her see me with a piece of string up my ass. 

Have a great weekend.

P.S. And no that is not a picture of me in case you were wondering.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • I still feel physically ill from watching the Cardinals meltdown against the Bears on Monday Night Football. I have been a fan of the Cardinals since forever, and I just knew they would find a way to blow it. They are so close to turning the corner and becoming a decent team but they keep finding ways to drag themselves down. I am keeping the faith, but it is getting harder and harder. This loss hurt really, really bad. Not as bad as riding down the street on a bike with the seat missing, but almost.

  • I saw a personalized license plate that made me do a double take. The plates read “HORSRUS.” I think they were trying to say “Horses are us,” but what I saw was “Whores are us.” I am sure that makes for an interesting time when you take a ride around town.

  • Useless fact of the day: The following sentence contains nine ways "ough" can be pronounced: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."

  • Stupid joke of the day: Two cows were standing in a field when one goes, "Mooo." The other replies, "Damn, I was just about say that."

  • And finally, here are some billboards I would like to see:

Friday, October 13, 2006

She's A Man, Baby!

It has been 4 days since I last spoke with my mother. A lot has happened since then. North Korea is still crazy, birds and bees might be gay, “Lost” got better, “The Office” is still quite amusing, and evidently my mother got a sex change.
What? I will wait for you so you can go back and re-read that last point.

I don’t know what you are thinking, but let me try and explain.

I was sitting on the couch with my two favorite people, Mrs. Shife and Quincy, watching the Cardinals play the Mets in the NLCS when the phone rang. Now first of all the game was on so the phone was not getting answered, and second of all, it was around 8 pm when the telemarketers start attacking us. Yes, I know Caller ID would alleviate this problem, but I like to live life on the edge. Anyway, the answering machine starts and this very deep, husky voice starts speaking. The TV was on kind of loud so it was hard to hear everything but it was a voice that I or Mrs. Shife did not recognize. Quincy even cocked his head a little bit and seemed to say, “Who the heck is that?”
The message concluded with “I love you sweetheart,” and Mrs. Shife looks at me and said she thought it was my Mom. Well that is not what I was thinking. First I thought Mrs. Shife found a new boyfriend, then I thought wrong number, then I thought my Mom is not a dude, and then I don’t know what I thought. I got up and played the message, and sure enough it was my Mom but it sure wasn’t her voice. My Mom is tiny; she is 4’11” and weighs about 110 pounds, and the only way this was her voice was if she got a sex change overnight or started shooting massive amounts of roids in her butt. It was surreal listening to the message because it was like the voice of Buffalo Bill on “Silence of the Lambs” or when criminals disguise their voices when they are talking to cops in the movies. So I called my Mom back immediately to make sure she hadn’t turned into some yoked-out freak or was in the process of becoming a dude. It turns out everything is OK. I guess my parent’s phone has a button that you can push that will alter your voice, and my Mom accidentally hit the “I’m a Man, baby” version when she called.

Have a great weekend.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Running on empty

I have been meaning to post but I am finding that I am lacking the content to make this blog even remotely fascinating. I have been pretty busy with work lately and when I get home I am basically drained of any interesting thought patterns. Plus I have been auditioning as a foot model so that has kept me quite busy as well. OK, I might be lying about the foot model thing. However, on my work bio, this is what I have listed:
Before I came to work at Spectrus Real Estate Group, I used to be employed at a fire hydrant factory, but you couldn't park anywhere near the place, so I had to find another job.
In my spare time I am currently training a pack of basset hounds to compete in the Iditarod Sled Dog Race in Alaska and I am still trying to get over my failed foot modeling career.

I am curious if anyone has seen the movie “The Departed?” If you have, I would love to hear your comments. I am still undecided. You see it is a remake of a beautiful, excellent Hong Kong movie called “Infernal Affairs” and I am just afraid of what Martin Scorsese has done to his version of the film. Knowing him and his past films, he probably turned it into a violent, bloodbath which is the last thing “Infernal Affairs” was.

My latest invention, Social Security Hit Squad. My generation is worried about having Social Security there when we retire so if we recruit some assassins to take out some old people that have been sucking down too much Social Security there might be something left for me and my friends. Don’t hate me because I want to knock off your grandparents … it is just Mr. Shife thinking out loud.

My Halloween costume is coming together nicely. I can’t tell you what I am going to be but I will give you a hint: Part of my costume incorporates a white Speedo thong.
Our party should be fun as well. I rented a karaoke machine with over 700 songs on it so I am going to rocking the mic all night.

I have not watched one new show this TV season that has me compelled to come back for another viewing. Any suggestions out there?

That’s all for now.
Take care.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

You Are On Notice Monday

There was something in the Idaho air yesterday because Monday was not a pleasant day for me and Mrs. Shife. Besides the fact that it was Monday and all the fun stuff that accompanies the beginning of the work, two other incidents left a lasting impression on us.

For me it was the joy of discovering that my zipper broke in the middle of a department meeting. Now I have already discussed the dangers of pleated pants in the office environment. Well couple that with a broken zipper and it looks like you just opened the doors to the big top. So I can imagine all my co-workers, after they got a good shot of my man panties, saying something like, “I was just thinking to myself that this meeting really needs a good underwear shot. Thank goodness that Mr. Shife is a team player.”
Here is a tip: Looking like you have a boner (again read about the dangers of pleated pants if you are wondering how an erection got thrown into the mix) and having a broken zipper are not a winning combination in the work place. I just wanted to clarify that in case some of you were misinformed.

Mrs. Shife’s winning moment involved a can of Starbucks Doubleshot Espresso. She hit the afternoon wall and needed a little boost to make it through the rest of the day. And as luck would have it, she had a chilled Starbucks waiting that could provide the aforementioned boost and make the rest of her day bearable. So she pops open the can, brings it up to her mouth, smiles with delight as she is about to be jolted with throngs of caffeine warriors, and throws back a nice big gulp of … yuckiness.
The can she picked up expired on 8/28/06, and so the moment the drink touched her lips it instantly got the “Get the hell out of my mouth” signal and this convenient, bold, authentic Starbucks coffee experience got introduced to the carpet of her office in about two nanoseconds.

Really looking forward to the rest of the week.