Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Captain Furry Pants has seen a lot of stuff during his time on Earth and just wanted to get this message out to all of the dog owners out there.
1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all!
2. Yelling at me for barking ... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose .... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The slight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo -- what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for the "big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. Dog sweaters. Hello? Haven't you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
Monday, January 30, 2006
Maybe there is a little Yao Ming in all of us or I have just eaten so much Panda Express that I have permanently altered my DNA.
So here is my Chinese New Year's Resolution.
I want to dance like these guys.
And you can bet your General Tsao's chicken I am going to stick to it.
What's your Chinese New Year's Resolution?
Sunday, January 29, 2006
After hours of painstaking research I have discovered that 2006 is actually the year of the
Thursday, January 26, 2006
And as luck would have it, it appears that two of the biggest turds are being released this week. So let’s rejoice in the fact that next week is February and hopefully there are some good flicks in the pipeline.
A young man from the wrong side of the tracks is accepted to the Naval Academy in Annapolis. Gee I wonder how many braniacs worked together to come up with the title of this movie.
I guess the title “A Really Shitty Version of An Officer and A Gentleman” is hard to market to the masses.
I think I would rather jam gerbils up my ass with Richard Gere than see this movie.
Big Momma’s House 2
Remember when Martin Lawrence was funny? Me either.
Lawrence is back undercover as an oversized grandmother and this time around he …. do you really care? It is hard to believe we had to wait more than 5 years for the sequel. Man how did I survive. The only thing funny about this movie is that people will actually pay good money to see it.
I feel a case of Déjà vu coming on. I think I would rather jam gerbils up my ass with Richard Gere than see this movie.
A recently widowed father of seven hires a magical but tough nanny to watch over his unruly kids. Emma Thompson really throws on the make-up in this film. She is looking nasty. You can’t drink that pretty. Not even Jagrmeister will do the job. But enough about my fantasies, this a family comedy. The tagline says “You’ll Learn to Love Her, Warts and All,” but I’m guessing Nanny is not going to get much love at all. Well maybe if she hires an escort, but I think the escort would need a lot of cash or maybe stock options. Seriously she is scary looking.
Oh why not. I think I would rather jam gerbils up my ass with Richard Gere than see this movie.
Have a great weekend.
P.S. My take on "Lost."
I thought the last episode was kind of lame and I had a hard time getting into it. I just I am not fanatical enough to see all of the so-called clues but it didn't seem like much happened. I am mostly pissed because we wait have to wait another 2 weeks for a new episode. So let's see, there was a 5 week break, followed by 3 new episodes, and now another break. Hmmm, I have no idea why people get upset with this show.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
It has been one year since I began the blogging journey.
I have come a long way baby, and it is kind of funny how this blog evolved.
When I first started I was just going to write about me and my beloved dog, Quincy.
The adventures of a boy and his fat basset hound if I recall correctly. Well, that got pretty boring pretty fast. I love Quincy dog but he doesn’t deviate much from his normal activities of eating, sleeping, pissing, and shitting.
So I started writing about my so-called life and along the way I met a lot of neat people, and I just wanted to thank you all for making this blog experience fun and worthwhile.
Without you, Confessions of a Dumb, White Guy would be a pretty lame place.
And I proudly present my first-ever post, and please be kind to me.
Just remember how good you were the first time you had sex. Exactly.
Have a great day.
Did you honestly think I wouldn't mention the man?
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Jack Frost can kiss my ass.
Is it too soon to get cabin fever? Well I got something, and no it is not the gift that keeps on giving, and I need to add a little excitement to these dog days of winter.
I have a compiled a list of stuff to do to make these snowy, miserable days a little more exciting.
1. I am going to deposit $50 cash into my checking account and ask for $50 cash back.
2. I am going to ask for service when I am not wearing shoes or a shirt.
3. I am going to order Chinese food in Japanese.
4. I am going to blog from left to right on my computer monitor.
5. I am going to order cheeseburgers without the cheese.
6. I am going to talk to strangers.
7. I am going to give candy to babies and then take it away from them.
8. I am not going to eat at participating restaurants.
9. I am only going to have garage sales in the winter months.
10. I am only going to sell things to people on approved credit at my garage sale.
11. I am going to give blood and have a transfusion at the same time.
12. I am going to streak at junior high basketball games.
13. I am going to try on underwear before I buy them at department stores.
14. I am going to call the constipation hotline (I think the # is 1-800-GO-POOP) and see if they will help me drop a deuce.
15. I am going to wear a What Would Jesus Do t-shirt at a gay bar.
16. I am going to rub rogaine on my ass.
17. I am going to buy King Kong underwear so I can tell everyone that I have King Kong in my pants.
18. I am going to church wearing face paint with the message Jesus #1 on my forehead.
19. I am going to have pizzas delivered to Weight Watcher meetings.
20. I am going to try and hijack someone’s shopping cart at Target.
21. I am going to use a layaway plan for my purchases at the dollar store.
22. I am going to take sunset cruises during the afternoon.
23. I am going to count my chickens before they are hatched.
24. I am going to order a round of water for everyone when I am at the bar.
25. I am going to make sure I have an erection before I use the public shower at the gym.
26. I am going to turn positives into negatives.
27. I am not going to pardon me when I speak French.
28. I am going to do out-of-body shots when I have an out-of-body experience.
29. I am going to have my jaw wired shut so I won’t speak with my inner voice.
30. I am going to let someone else do my do-it-yourself projects.
P.S. My quick take on 24.
Seriously, can we try a new plot line that doesn't involve a mole in CTU. I have watched this show from day one and every year there is a mole. I figure by now CTU might have a better screening process.
Also, I don't think Jack is going to save the world this time, I think it is going to be the First Lady's boobs. I haven't seen this much cleavage since my last trip to Hooters.
Finally, Chloe's character is awesome this year. She is turning into a bad ass. And Edgar, have you heard of t-shirts? You need to put away the man fur. You are no David Hasselhoff, sir.
Monday, January 23, 2006
So I had a dream last night.
I was an unsuccessful Spanish bullfighter and to make ends meet I played the bongos in a Duran Duran cover band.
My name was Fernando Antonio Ordonez and my bullfighting career ended prematurely because I got gored in the nipple.
(I know the picture is of a guy getting gored in the ass, but it is the closest I could get. It isn't easy finding a gored nipple.)
Then I woke up.
I think it means I am super gay.
What do you think?
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Alright fine, have it your way.
Well here is the second installment of “At the Movies with the Dumb, White Guy,” and I am pretty sure I picked the wrong month to start this feature.
Talk about suck, the only redeeming feature about any of the movies being released this week is Kate Beckinsale in her skin-tight leather outfit.
So let’s start there.
This is a sequel to “Underworld,” which I actually enjoyed.
Maybe I enjoyed it because Kate doesn’t look too shabby in those fantabulous outfits. It sucks that Mrs. Shife had to find out about my Kate crush on my blog. Maybe she won’t read today and my secret will remain a secret.
I think I have better luck finding gold nuggets in my crap.
OK, back to the movie.
In case you care, it is round two of the vampire-vs.-werewolf battle to the death.
The only reason to see this is because it is rated R which means there might be some sexuality/nudity which means Kate might be naked.
I am so sleeping on the couch this weekend.
“The New World”
In 1607, a crew of English explorers lands in North America. On board is a
rebellious man sentenced to hang, John Smith, played by Colin Farrell. As soon as they drop anchor, the crew discovers that the land is inhabited by a complex empire of native tribes, ruled by the chieftain. Blah, blah, blah.
This baby clocks in at 150 minutes. Wouldn’t you rather do something else with your life? Seriously you can not get those minutes back.
I am more interested in Colin’s sex tapes.
“End of the Spear”
A savage killer from a remote Amazon tribe becomes grandfather to the grandchildren of the North American man he killed.
Doesn’t this sound like the perfect family movie?
Plus that title works better as some fancy porno.
I will be on the couch watching Colin’s sex tapes.
Have a lovely weekend.
P.S. In case anyone wondered.
I remembered where I heard that lovely little phrase in yesterday's post. It was a line in the movie, Blade: Trinity, spoken by Mr. Van Wilder himself, Ryan Reynolds.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
"Cock juggling thunder cunt."
Please spread the words
and as Journey would say, Don't stop believin'.
And just in case you now have that song stuck in your head, here are the lyrics.
Just a small town girl, livin’ in a lonely world
She took the midnight train goin’ anywhere
Just a city boy, born and raised in south detroit
He took the midnight train goin’ anywhere
A singer in a smokey room
A smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on
Strangers waiting, up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlight people, living just to find emotion
Hiding, somewhere in the night
Working hard to get my fill,
Everybody wants a thrill
Payin’ anything to roll the dice,
Just one more time
Some will win, some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh, the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on
Don’t stop believin’
Hold on to the feelin’
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
I said a phrase last night that I have never, ever uttered before in my life.
I was in the kitchen washing my hands preparing to eat a lovely meal cooked by my even lovelier wife when I noticed a large amount of dirt in the sink. Many thoughts crossed my mind, but only one got to be expressed verbally.
“Honey, did a garden gnome take a shit in the sink?”
Apparently, Mrs. Shife potted a plant in the kitchen sink and left behind some potting soil during the procedure.
Have a nice day.
Monday, January 16, 2006
Yeah!!! Someone called and left us a message.
Who could it be?
Angelina Jolie telling me that it is my baby or maybe it is my arch nemesis Jim Shitburger challenging me to a duel or perhaps it is a wayward band of midgets seeking shelter from the harsh elements.
I press the button so I can hear the message that was recorded for my benefit at 4:32 p.m.
“Hello Mr. Shife”
I giggle and say hello back.
“We want your blood!”
What the fuck? What the hell kind of message is this? Hurry and lock the doors. You aren’t getting me you bloodsucking bastards.
“This is the American Red Cross asking you to please donate blood and give the gift of life.”
Ha ha. Very funny. You got me you crazy bastards.
Thank you American Red Cross for making me laugh and nearly shitting my pants at the same time. I applaud you, sir, and your marketing efforts.
P.S. If that little anecdote doesn't inspire you to comment, then we can always talk about how the new season of "24" is freakin' awesome.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
I spent a lot of time in the bathroom Sunday thanks in part to my intake of raw fish and beer on Saturday night. Too much information? Probably, but keep reading. The one good thing about all this time in the bathroom is that I got to read the appropriately titled "Uncle John's Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader." And I proudly present you the fruit of my labors.
Here are some bumper stickers that you may or may not have seen.
- I'm still hot. It just comes in flashes.
- My other vehicle is in orbit.
- Remember: It's pillage first, then burn.
- Just keep staring -- I may do a trick.
- Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
- Coffee makes it possible to get out bed; chocolate makes it worth it.
- My dog is smarter than your honor student.
- Physically Pfffffft!
- If all else fails, stop using all else.
- Don't drink and derive. Alcohol and Calculus don't mix.
- I'm so old that "getting lucky" means finding my car in the parking lot.
- Buckle up -- it makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from my car.
- A PBS mind trapped in an MTV world.
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
- Dangerously under-medicated.
- If I had a life, I wouldn't need a bumper sticker.
Have a nice day!
Friday, January 13, 2006
Thursday, January 12, 2006
We all like movies. We have our all-time favorites and ones that we think just suck ass. We all seem to pretty much enjoy the cinematic experience. So unless you hate movies or the thought of movies gives you a rash on your ass that looks like Count Chocula then you should find this entertaining. So please enjoy the ride, and as always, your comments are welcomed and appreciated.
So it’s January, my fine friends, and that means Hollywood is pumping out some of its finest crap of the year. Usually, the wonderful folks that release movies dump all the garbage that wasn’t fit for the previous year in the first few weeks of the new year. So a good movie these days might be hard to spot, and since the media will be devoting every ounce of their resources to document Bragelina’s pregnancy, I am your only hope.
Without I further ado, I give you the new releases for January 13.
“Glory Road” – This might be one of the most original films ever. A coach tries to rally a team against the odds to win the championship. Whoa. Never seen a film like that before, right? It is based on a true story; I am just not sure if the truth was heavily sedated for parts of the film. This Disney-produced drama is about celebrated college basketball coach Don Haskins, who dared to put in an all-African-American starting lineup in 1966.
This has rental written all over it.
“Tristan + Isolde” – Well, I must admit, when I first saw this preview, the gay man inside me went a little crazy. I told Mrs. Shife that we had to see this movie. What is it about forbidden passion that makes my heart skip a beat? The story of two lovers and their tragic romance is intriguing, but if I can’t even say the name of the character, Isolde, then it might be a problem. I will sit through the whole film focusing on how to say her name, how unusual the name is, and if it would make a good name for a kid. Very troubling.
I could do this as a matinee. Maybe.
“Last Holiday” – Queen Latifah stars as a woman who learns she only has three weeks to live and decides to do all the things she's always wanted to do. Hmmm. I think I saw everything in the previews, and I am going to go out on a limb here and guess that the doctors made a mistake in her diagnosis.
I won’t even watch this when it is on HBO 75 times a month.
“Hoodwinked” – An animated and satirical take on the fairy tale "Little Red Riding Hood." Been there, done that with the “Shrek” films.
Watch this? Only if there are topless scenes of Jessica Rabbit.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
What are four words you DO NOT want to hear in bed?
For example, I imagine hearing "I'm Rick James, bitch" or "I'm an uncle fucker" or "I love Star Jones" would probably make the cash and prizes write a book called "I Am Never Getting A Hard On For This Guy Again."
How about you?
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Well I pretty much watched football all weekend but I did have a moment of clarity in betweens bouts of vegetation. You could take quite a few of the comments made by the announcers during the game and use them in a porno script.
- What a muff.
- He has stuff all over his helmet.
- He busted through that hole.
- Look at that penetration.
- That is a huge hole.
- He is really pounding the ball inside.
- It is a game of inches.
- He really likes to work this part of the field.
- He goes in untouched.
- He moved it down the field into the end zone.
- He finally put some points on the board.
- He has opened up holes all day long.
- Great field position.
- He is going all the way.
- He is about six inches short.
- The tight end is wide open.
- He has taken it to the next level.
- Inside the red zone.
- Here comes the pressure.
- Jake the Snake is sacked for a loss. (Non-football fans Jake Plummer is a quarterback in the NFL, and his nickname is the Snake.)
- He really plugged that hole.
- He is the complete package.
- Wide left.
- He is willing to do almost anything to compete.
- He found a soft spot in the zone.
Monday, January 09, 2006
Friday, January 06, 2006
and the creativity tank is empty so I am going to keep it simple today. Since there is no law against having your Christmas lights up all year it got me thinking. I imagine there are a bunch of things that we wish were against the law. So that is your mission today if you choose to accept it -- finish this sentence, "There oughta be law .... "
Thursday, January 05, 2006
I got Christmas spirit yes I do, I got Christmas spirit how about you.
OK, it is January 5 all across this great nation of ours and I am just wondering when it is officially obnoxious to still have your Christmas lights up on your house. I grew up in a relatively normal household and we had decorations up from Dec. 1 to Jan. 1, and as far as I can tell most people seem to follow this philosophy. But it appears that a rogue group of light whores are holding the nation hostage with their wattage usage.
So what do we do about all these folks who have the desire to leave up their lights?
That is my question to you my fine friends. I have a couple of ideas.
Perhaps the culprits have to shelter wayward rabid woodland creatures in their automobile or play chaperone to a group of 6th-grade girls at a Backstreet Boys concert.
Maybe they need to wear adult diapers on the outside of their pants or punch themselves in the babymaker every time someone says hello to them.
How about they have to be the mop person at a porno shop or they have to be sodomized by the offensive Christmas lights.
Well those are my thoughts and I sure would love to hear your ideas.
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
I am not resolving to do something this year.
I am taking it a step further and going to make New Year's Promises.
I hereby decree that I will not do these 10 things in 2006.
- I will not stop swearing.
- I will not stop drinking beer.
- I will not expose my precious sight and remaining brain cells to "Dancing With The Stars" or "Skating With Celebrities."
- I will not stop talking about midgets. Don't worry folks I am not drunk; I am consciously making the decision to speak of the little people.
- I will not eat pieces of shit for breakfast.
- I will not give anyone a Cleveland steamer.
- I will not train Quincy to compete in the Iditarod Great Sled Race.
- I will not shop at Wal-Mart.
- I will not perform puppetry of the penis.
- I will not join a band called Fat, Horny, Black and Joe or Testicular Sound Express.
Monday, January 02, 2006
In a county far, far away it was the 1997 spring semester at the University of Idaho. Mr. Shife was set to graduate in 2 months and then depart to Nashville, TN to begin film school. He had just ended a relationship with a girl and was ready to enjoy his last 60 days on campus. Mr. Shife's fraternity had a huge party at the end of the semester called the Pirate's Dance. The house got decorated like a pirate ship, there was an awesome seafood dinner and of course lots of boozing. Well since this was going to be my last hurrah at the house I wanted an awesome date. I contacted my girl friends at a sorority and put in a request -- I want a date that is 21, has no boyfriend and just wants to have fun. The girls sprung into action and before I could say Chewbacca likes to chug cock they informed me that they had the perfect girl for me. So I was set. Well fast forward a week and I was partying at my fraternity with some of the girls who set me up. It was a polyester party and everyone was in some sort of '70s gear. My outfit consisted of an outrageously ugly shirt with the sleeves cut off and a fake leather vest and some really nice bell bottoms. The girls I was with decided some make-up would really tie my outfit together so I got some blush, lipstick, eye liner, etc. put on by these good samaritans. So I am all done up looking like a cross-dressing polyester hooker and did I mention I am pretty hammered as well. The girls have to run back to their sorority so I decide to tag along and as I am waiting in their entryway along comes my date. She walks in not paying much attention to the weirdo on the bench, but my girl friends come get me at the same time and that is when I met Mrs. Shife. I was dressed up like a gay disco queen and she was in sweats and a sweatshirt because she has just gotten back from cleaning a house. There was no spark or love at first sight, just an introduction. Fast forward a month and I pick up Mrs. Shife for my dance and this time we are both dressed more appropriately. And we went out to a bar with some friends to grab a few drinks before the dance started and we just clicked. I fought it as long as I could because I knew I was leaving to go to film school, but Mrs. Shife is irresistible and that day was the beginning of our courtship. I decided I would regret not finding out if this was the love of my life and put film school on hold and came back to school at Idaho to get another degree while Mrs. Shife finished up her degree. We got engaged in March 1999 at my sister's wedding, and then we got married in September 2004. That's right we waited 5 years, but we both march to a different beat and we waited until we were ready.
So that's how I met the most wonderful girl in the world.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Mona -- The reason I am standing next to that midget in that picture is because he actually knows who let the dogs out and I am hoping he will tell me.
Steph -- Boxer briefs, and occasionally I go sans panties because there is a commando in all of us.
SuperSpyGal -- Hmmm, I was never good at train questions but I am going to guess and say Cocoa Puffs because everyone goes cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
Blonde -- First off, people think that Jennifer Aniston and Sarah Jessica Parker are hot because they have been conditioned by the media like little monkeys to believe they are hot. And Mrs. Shife and I had been together 7 years before we got married.
Neurotic Missy -- If I could be doing something else it would be running a Basset Hound rescue. I love those dogs and there are a lot of them out there that are abused and neglected who just need some love and a good home.
Totolehero -- You bet your Canadian butt I would be there.
Armaedes -- Only on the weekends.
Phats -- You and a few others were curious about how I met Mrs. Shife, and it is quite an interesting story so I am going to devote an entire post to it tomorrow. Sorry but you have to wait one more day.
Dashababy -- I have a couple of Christmas memories that really stick out. One was in high school when my folks surprised me and got me a Basset hound puppy. I had wanted a dog for a long time and they had me convinced that it wasn't happening, but they came through and gave me the dog. His name was Higgins and he was an awesome dude. He passed away a few years ago but I still think of him often. Another one was when I finally got out of the Navy for good and made it home in time for Christmas to be with my family. It was the first time I had been home for Christmas in awhile and it was just nice to be home.
Atalanta -- If I could pick any super powers I would choose the ability to be invisible. I thought I would try and be more of a smart ass on this question, but I just can't think of anything that seems amusing.
Luke -- Well, I actually did some research on this one, and you will find your answer here mister, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_chicken_or_the_egg.
The_Mrs. -- I thought hard about this one, and that it turns out was my most embarrassing moment in the sack. During my freshman year in college I had a major crush on a girl who after months and months of pursuit finally caved in and gave me a shot at the title. Well one thing led to another and we were back in my room ready to exchange body fluids. Well Mr. Shife's underpants navy never left the shore because I could not get hard. I don't know what happened -- too much pressure or too much booze or a combination of both, but the equipment did not work that night. And the crush never was interested in me after that.
SugarHigh -- We got married in her hometown and she has lots and lots of relatives so we had about 200 people at our wedding. Mrs. Shife wanted a fall wedding and so that was our theme but she did not have any set colors. Yes we had beer on tap because both sides of our families like to imbibe and all of our friends are raging alcoholics. No "Shout" at the wedding but there was plenty of music and dancing.
Cher -- Like I told Phats, the story about Mrs. Shife and I needs an entire post devoted to it so I am going to cover it tomorrow.
So there you go my friends, all of your questions have been answered. If I forget someone, please let me know, otherwise I will talk to you all later.