Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Where in the world is Mr. Shife?

He was last seen drinking copious amounts of Nyquil and sobbing quietly to himself in the corner after being assaulted by an anal thermometer. Once he feels better, he will return to his regularly scheduled blogging.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Shameless Plug

I ran across a podcast called "Never Not Funny" that mentioned a particular phrase that I thought was quite amusing. So a dozen is 12, a baker's dozen is 13, and a lazy baker's dozen is 11. I have no idea why I find the concept of a lazy baker’s dozen comical, but I do. So in honor of the term and in an attempt to get this particular blog mentioned on this fine podcast, I proudly present in no particular order Mr. Shife's 11 coolest tribute bands.
  • The Dan Band – "Total Eclipse of the Heart" never sounded better. These guys rocked "Old School,” and sing other songs made famous by women.
  • Super Diamond – No this is not Screech’s gay porno nickname, who seems to be a giant douche bag in real life according to the Wikipedia entry. Super Diamond is a tribute band to Neil Diamond.
  • MiniKISS – The rock-n-roll greatness of KISS combined with midgets. Seriously, is that awesome or what?
  • Hair Supply – In case you ever wanted to bang your head to Air Supply – a heavy metal tribute to the two-man band that make “Siegfried & Roy” look straight.
  • AC/DShe – For those about to rock, I salute you with this all-female AC/DC cover band.
  • Ambushed Paddington – These guys are nuts. Oh wait; this is not a tribute band but the name of finishing move when you are having sex. I guess it is a tribute, sort of, to teddy bears. An Ambushed Paddington is when you pull out just when you're about to "finish" and you finish all over her teddy bear.
  • Slippery When Wet – Not another sex move, but actually a Bon Jovi tribute band. It is your chance to break out your ripped pants, let the mullet down, and fill the air with Aqua Net all over again.
  • Mandonna – An all-male tribute to the Material Girl. Personally, I think Madonna got plenty of tributes from high school males back in the day if you know what I mean. I always felt like I was touched for the very first time.
  • Dread Zeppelin – This band plays Led Zeppelin songs in a reggae style with a lead singer who looks like Elvis Presley. Almost as cool as the KISS midgets.
  • Gabba – This group perform the songs of ABBA in the style of The Ramones. Interesting but weird. Kind of like my fascination with David Hasselhoff.
  • Beatallica – A satire tribute band that plays music made from combinations of songs of The Beatles and Metallica. I can’t say this would be my favorite combination, but it sure beats hanging out with Mark Foley at a Boy Scout Jamboree.

P.S. Happy Thanksgiving and safe travels to everyone. And remember it is probably the only time of the year where it is safe to say "Just spread the legs open and stuff it in."

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Stupid is as Stupid does

This may or may not be a regular feature, but I proudly present to you my nominees for “Jackass of the Month” for November. I will announce the winner sometime next month based on your votes.

Nominee #1
A man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When the travel agent pulled up the reservation, she noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When she asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

Nominee #2
A botched kidnapping ended with one of the assailants shooting himself in the groin, Wichita police said. The man had just stuck the gun back into his waistband when it fired, shooting him in the left testicle.

Nominee #3
Here’s the situation: You’re too drunk to drive yourself and your son home. What do you do?
a. Attach feathers to each other and learn how to fly
b. Call a cab and make the little guy pay for it to teach him a hard, simultaneous lesson about life, money and how he won’t have much of neither
c. Vomit
d. Let the little guy drive

Nominee #4
The traditional version of the Scientology wedding that Tom Cruise and his anointed will have Saturday includes telling him that girls need "clothes and food and tenderness and happiness and frills, a pan, a comb, perhaps a cat" and telling her that "young men are free and may forget" their promises.

Nominee #5
Relatives of the victims in the Simpson slayings case are lashing out at the planned publication of a book by O.J. Simpson in which he discusses how he would have committed the killings of his ex-wife and her friend "if I did it."

So please place your vote accordingly in your comment.

Nominee #1 – Rental car moron
Nominee #2 – Kidnapping moron
Nominee #3 – Drunk moron
Nominee #4 – Wedding moron
Nominee #5 – Hypothetical murder moron

Monday, November 13, 2006


I was cleaning up my blog, and looking at some posts that never saw the light of the day. And then I ran across this gem.
First things first, I swear on everything that is holy that I am not the author of this question. Secondly, guys like this should not be allowed to procreate. And finally, there is never, ever, I repeat never, ever a good reason to put chemicals on your nuts.

So here is the link to the guy's question and the answers to his query, or you can read just the question below.

I used Nair For Men Roll On and got some serious burns or something. I have no idea why really. I have used it before on my genitals and all went well, but this time things went awry. I think that I may have had it on a little too long, but I'm not sure. The hair didn't come all the way off, and I got some red patches on my scrotum. I just treated it best as I could, and tried not to touch the affected area because it hurt like I don't know what.... Just really bad! ON Friday, I wasn't sure if I wanted to wear underwear, but I had to go somewhere, so I went ahead and put underwear on. Later that day I pulled my underwear off and too my surprise the underwear had stuck to my sore affected areas. I was like what the...?? So I had to like peel them off. This is really detailed, but my on my underwear, I could see where the sore spots had been sticking. It like made wet or temporarily stained spots. It hurt so bad too. The bottle says to call a physician if one runs into problems, but I don't really want to do that if at all possible. Just because physicians around here hate looking at genitals, and I want to save them the trouble. I have had this now for like 2-3 days and it's getting a little less painful. The redness is still there though. I have just been putting neosporin stuff on it. Should I just swallow my pride and modesty and go to the doctor? If I made an appointment, it would most likely be a few days before I could be seen, so should I just wait it out, or go to the ER or what????? Has anyone else had a similar experience with depilitories??? In reality it hasn't really taught me a lesson because I still like the feel of smoothness or less hairiness.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

More Random Acts of Shifeness

  • I don't know which break up has me more crushed: Britney Spears and K-Fed or George Bush and D-Rum. And this thought was brought to you with a heavy dose of sarcasm.
  • It only took 6 episodes before "Lost" got good again. The last episode was pretty cool. Did anyone else catch the part about Jacob's list? It was the scene where Jack was getting ready to operate on Ben, and the Other crew were heading out to get Sawyer when one said that Shepard was not on Jacob's list. So who the frak is Jacob?
  • One of my posts was used in an NPR story about zippers. Here is the link to the post. Anyway, this guy found my post, emailed me, and then we talked on the phone. He used some of our conversation in his piece and they are suppose to air it on Chicago Public Radio. I don't know when. If you are interested in hearing it, just shoot me an email at mrshife@yahoo.com and I will forward it to you.
  • More good news. This blog was rated as the #1 blog about the adventures of a dumb, white guy by an independent lab. I think the labs name is Jake. There is his picture on the right.
  • Just some advice to middle-aged women who have had multiple children. Unless you can put Supermodel somewhere on your resume, there is no reason you should be exposing your midriff especially at the gym.
  • I am especially looking forward to the return of college basketball since my football season is over. My NFL team, the Arizona Cardinals, are 1-7 and circling the drain again. My college team, the Idaho Vandals, are 4-6 and are not going bowling this year. But college hoops gives me hope because this is where sports karma achieves some equilibrium for me. My team is the North Carolina Tar Heels, and it is not too hard being a Heels fan because they are pretty darn good. Now granted I have not been a lifelong fan, but I have had them at the top of my list since 1982. I even know who Serge Zwikker is in case you care.

Have a lovely weekend, and remember save the cheerleader, save the world.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Rock the vote? I try not to get political on this here blog of mine but I think it is really important that everyone vote tomorrow. Here is a link to a story from Pat Tillman’s brother that should provide all the inspiration you need to cast your ballot.

  • I have been absent from my blog for several reasons, but being adopted by Madonna was not one of them.

  • First George from “Grey’s Anatomy” announces he is gay, and then Doogie Howser comes out of the closet. They say things come in threes, so whose next? So I think I know. Here is my logic: George stars on a drama on ABC, Doogie stars on a comedy on CBS, “How I Met Your Mother.” Nobody knew George before “Grey’s” and Neil Patrick Harris was Doogie Howser before he got this CBS show. So based on those incredible detective skills, the next TV star to announce that he is gay will be a star on a NBC reality show that had some success before they became popular on their current show. And my nominee is …. Donald Trump.

  • Would you be a little nervous if your pharmacist had a crazy eye? Ours does and I am afraid one day when I take my allergy medicine that I am going to end up with a day-long erection because she gave me Viagra instead of Allegra.

  • I saw “Borat” over the weekend, and laughed myself silly. But there is one scene that almost made me throw up a little bit in my mouth. If you have seen it you probably know what I am talking about. Let’s just say seeing Borat get into fight with his producer in their hotel room was quite shocking.

  • Mrs. Shife attended a marital aide party or as I like to call them a "fukkerware party" over the weekend. She will not tell me what she bought as she wants to keep it a surprise. So it looks like Christmas might come a little early this year for Mr. Shife. As Borat would say, "It is very nice. We make sexy time."

Have a great week, and don't forget to vote.