Wednesday, December 13, 2006

How to spread holiday cheer

'Tis the season to piss people off. Here are several options to make sure you succeed in your mission. Happy Holidays!

  1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
  2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
  3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
  4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
  5. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
  6. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
  7. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
  8. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
  9. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
  10. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
  11. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
  12. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
  13. Honk and wave to strangers.
  14. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
  15. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
  16. type only in lowercase.
  17. dont use any punctuation either
  18. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
  19. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
    "DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
    "What?"
    "Never mind, it's gone now."
  20. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
  21. Ask people what gender they are.
  22. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
  23. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
  24. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
  25. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

14 comments:

Lordofsnag said...

I like pretending i can smell something dead and to sniff poeple as they walk past...yuk...yuk

angel said...

Loved this!!! Awesome!! I may use some of them for our Christmas party. I think people will think that I've finally gone over the edge.

angelcjr
I can't sign in using my blogger account, but with my gmail account. Wass going on wit blogger?

Anonymous said...

Hi this is PHATS I can't log in on a beta blogger.

I honk and wave to strangers all the time! But I really planning on doing all of these before the holiday season ends, thanks for all the AWESOME suggestions. I loved this post.

Nutz On A Roll said...

LoL I love this one: Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

The Phoenix said...

This is a great way to get molded fruitcake for Christmas from your co-workers.

The Duck said...

I THINK THOSE ARE ALL AMAZINGLY AWESOME SUGGESTIONS. THANK YOU FOR SHARING THESE WITH US MRSHIFE.

WAIT A MINUTE, DID YOU HEAR THAT?

HMM, NEVER MIND, IT'S GONE NOW.

HA! SEE WHAT I DID THERE? DID YOU?

phats said...

haha that was funny duck

ruby rocks said...

i like the 99 copies.

i also like to fax black sheets of paper to certain salesmen.

Blonde said...

I recently wrote "for xrated services" on a check to a friend for a group gift we all chipped in for. He did not find it funny when the girl at the bank pointed it out to him.

At least you have a sense of humor!

Anonymous said...

Hi, this is SwedishNurse. All is well! I tried to log on the other day to leave a comment, but your page kept rejecting me. What is this stupid Beta Blogger crap? Anyway, I know I've been quite negligent with posting recently, but now that school is over I should start posting with more regularity. Good post by the way. Had me laughing for quite a while!

Molly said...

That damn duck stoled my idea of commenting in all caps...;)

unfortunatley I don't have a glass eye, so that one is not going to work for me either.

I think I will honk and wave at strangers, that sounds like fun.

Thanks for the ideas Shifey!

tina said...

Hey guy - I'm back from exam hell - catchin up on blog

I so agree with "tis the season to piss people off" I'm not feeling very festive and speaking of one of your points listed...I plowed thru a traffic cone on Thursday morning LOL It was great haha

meghansdiscontent said...

Be careful who you piss off, Shifey-dear.

I worked drive-thru in high-school.
The dumbest witch in the entire world ordered 12 items and in between each one she said "and that's TO GO."

So when she got to the window, I handed all her food out on a tray, then looked confused and said, "Oh. Did you want that To Go???"

LBseahag said...

hahhahaha...i still get a kick out of the to-go drive thru one....