Tuesday, March 28, 2006

I Am A Dork -- The Sequel

Well last week I explained to everyone how I took a tumble while I was running 7 miles. Well this week you get to hear about my adventures while I was running 8 miles.
Due to the inclement weather, I was forced to do my training on a treadmill at the gym. Running on a treadmill is OK but is not a place you want to spend 67 minutes of your life if there are better options. The treadmill has little bearing on the story but I just wanted to set up the scene for you and maybe whine a little bit about running on a treadmill.
Anyway, about 45 minutes into my run I am sweating like a Danish cartoonist in Mecca. I would have said I was sweating like a pig but evidently that is not correct because pigs don't have sweat glands. See this blog is more than just stupid stories it is educational.
I am even wearing one of those Under Armor shirts but I am still sweating profusely. The side effect of all this sweat is that my shirt gets heavy. And when you run you bounce up and down. So I wearing a heavy shirt soaked in my own juices, bouncing up and down, still trying to figure out why the hell I am running anyway, when it happens. Now most of you who have ran long distances know where this is going and might be wincing in pain thinking about it. But those of you who don’t please enjoy another life lesson from Mr. Shife. You would think men would be immune from this, but some people will notice that their nipples get bruised or may even bleed in some cases from the constant rubbing against their shirt. And I am some people.
Man my nipples hurt for like four days. They just ached and were so sensitive. I swear I could not handle being a girl. I would seriously be the biggest cry baby.
So since I won’t be throwing on Mrs. Shife’s sport bras, it looks like I have to lube up my nipples with some Vaseline when I am running long distances. I guess I have to put some on my inner thighs as well. The Internet is just a wealth of information.
I just hope I didn’t raise any red flags at work when I did a Google search for sore nipples.

24 comments:

The Reverend Jon Boles said...

Normally, I would have something relatively wise-assed to say about your bruised nipples, but you have rendered me impotent to making jokes with this one, no shit.

Bad Habit Brota said...

Ouch...

This was one of the many reasons why I quit x-country in high school...along with, "when am I ever going to need to run 10-20 miles?"

It's also one of the reasons I'm glad I switched to HIIT. All the benefits of cardio, with none of the bruised nipples. :)

nicole said...

I definitely agree that your blog ie educational because I'd honestly NEVER heard of that. That post was physically excruciating, Shife!

So what can you do next time? Maybe slap some band-aids on 'em or something?

But talk about dedication, you hung in there for a full 67 with aching nips?? You're an inspiration!

The Phoenix said...

Yeah, I used to play competitve tennis...and my shirt would get totally soaked. The rubbing is so painful.

Maybe they should invent something to protect men's nipplets.

Big Mama said...

Yeah, it's called "the little round band-aid that no one uses that is left in the bottom of the box". I think that was invented just for you Mr. Shife. The only downside of it is the instant hair removal when you're done. Didn't they do a segment on the man-bra on that show "The Man Show".... Only teasing, I hope the Mrs. helped them feel better, I know I would have if I were her.

Tina said...

Owwiee, wow I never thought of that. Guess you will just have to run topless, errrr I mean shirtless :p hehe

Design Goddess said...

I don't know. I think a sports bra is the way to go. At least you know they're secure! And not sure about the vaseline on the inner thighs. I'd try powder. Just a thought.

Phats said...

Thanks for sparing us the visual aids shife.

I have actually heard of this even though I don't run. shit i don't even run to my mailbox and back.

Johnson said...

Can't say I've ever had the whole bruised nipple thing other than from the occasional over-zealous girl-bites but I can see how it can be painful. Being around a lot of older guy cousins, I was on the receiving end of many a titty-twister, Indian burn, etc, so I feel your pain.

angel, jr. said...

Yes, our man nipples are extremely sensitive.
I've still got bruises from titty twisters I received in tennis camp.

Anonymous said...

I ran the Marine Corps Marathon last year - I saw countless numbers of guys who thought the sweaty shirt thing couldn't/wouldn't happen to them.

and it did. I never ever ever want to see ONE guy wearing a shirt with blood dripping down the front of it, much less the multiple ones I saw that day.

As far as falling on your face goes - I say you can't consider yourself a real runner until you've eaten some gravel on several different occasions. I trip in potholes, cracks, shoelaces, and...nothing. Sometimes, you just fall.

The Phoenix said...

Speaking of tennis, Angel, that's when I would get really inflamed niplets. My shirt would be soaked, and it would rub...it's super painful.

I've heard of guys using band-aids. I don't imagine vaseline would stay on...as the wet shirt would just rub it off.

Super Woman said...

You know, my dad used to have other chafing problems when he used to run. He always had to use baby powder. I used to give him so much shit for that. Did you look on the internet for "man bras"? Ok, too much Sienfeld.

Katina Cloud said...

ALL NEW LOST TONIGHT!!!! =)

Pollyanna said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Pollyanna said...

What is it about eight miles? It was that point during my training that my sports bra sliced into the underside of each of my boobs. I didn't notice it until I got home, got into the piping-hot shower, and BAM! Pain like you wouldn't believe.

I should be finding out my MRI results any day now, and then I can rejoin you. Til then, no running.

SugarHigh said...

LMFAO! I'm dying over here. thank you for feeling the sore nipple pain. You are one step closer to being a sensitive woman. What you need is a loose fitting man tank that won't taint your nipples. :)
Goodluck, and may the vaseline be with you. LOL!

mona said...

ahhh thank god for lube!

Dirk the Feeble said...

There are a lot more interesting things you can do with Vaseline than run. Seriously, who the hell runs for fun?

mrshife said...

I never said I was having fun.

White Dade said...

Wow, that is soooo some imagery I needed first thing in the morning.
Oh, and if I do a google search for "shife's nipples and inner thigh" is this what I'm going to get?

yellowdog granny said...

u men......such pussies....
try running any distance with breasts larger than a b cup ...banging up and down..smacking you in the chin....gravel in the chin is nothing compared to a black eye from a run away tit...

Scottish Toodler said...

Oh shit!!! I was reading and LMAO about "danish cartoonist in Mecca" when I got to "lube up my nipples" and I am ROTF LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Luke said...

I've had that happen to me too, and have gone to the lengths of taping my tips so they won't rub.

Just don't wear a white shirt.