Friday, August 04, 2006

Take this phone and shove it

I hate my phone, as a matter of fact, I think it is a piece of shit.
Evidently, so does Motorola. I was thumbing through my user's guide and I found a section that addressed my recent proclamation.

Contents
Safety and General Information . .6
Getting Started. . 13
About This Guide. . 13
Installing the SIM Card . . 13
Battery Use . . 14
Installing the Battery . . 16
Charging the Battery . . 17
Turning Your Phone On. . 18
Adjusting Volume. . 18
Making a Call. . 19
Answering a Call . . 19
Viewing Your Phone Number. . 20
Your Phone is a Piece of Shit . . 21
Taking and Sending a Photo . . 22
Sending a Multimedia Message. . 23
Receiving a MultimediaMessage . . 25

Your Phone is a Piece of Shit
When you use your piece of shit phone it will drop calls. Therefore, you may experience occasional discomfort in your hands, arms, shoulders, neck, or other parts of your body because you have had enough of your piece of shit phone and decided to kick a Motorola employee’s ass. Follow these instructions to avoid problems such as pain and soreness in your hands, wrists, legs, or arms, and other musculoskeletal disorders:
  • If you insist on anally assaulting a Motorola employee by jamming your piece of shit phone up the Motorola employee’s ass, please take a minimum 15-minute break during every hour of your assault.
  • If your hands, wrists, or arms become tired or sore while punching a Motorola employee in the face, stop and rest for several hours before punching again. If the problem persists, punch the Motorola employee in the neck.
  • Concentrated tasks can cause tired eyes and blurred vision. Working over a Motorola employee’s face can be a demanding visual task that may cause eye discomfort. Suggestions to reduce the risk of eyestrain include: make sure you have proper lighting in your combat area, frequently look away and focus on faraway objects, and blink often to keep your eyes moist.
  • Seeing another human’s blood can cause involuntary vomiting. If you feel dizzy or nauseous when assaulting a Motorola employee with your fists or foreign objects, stop the assault and rest. Do not drive or engage in other demanding activity until you feel better.
  • Keep an open mind. There may be other Motorola employees in the building who deserve to have their face kicked in. Don't limit yourself.