She's A Man, Baby!

It has been 4 days since I last spoke with my mother. A lot has happened since then. North Korea is still crazy, birds and bees might be gay, “Lost” got better, “The Office” is still quite amusing, and evidently my mother got a sex change.
What? I will wait for you so you can go back and re-read that last point.

I don’t know what you are thinking, but let me try and explain.

I was sitting on the couch with my two favorite people, Mrs. Shife and Quincy, watching the Cardinals play the Mets in the NLCS when the phone rang. Now first of all the game was on so the phone was not getting answered, and second of all, it was around 8 pm when the telemarketers start attacking us. Yes, I know Caller ID would alleviate this problem, but I like to live life on the edge. Anyway, the answering machine starts and this very deep, husky voice starts speaking. The TV was on kind of loud so it was hard to hear everything but it was a voice that I or Mrs. Shife did not recognize. Quincy even cocked his head a little bit and seemed to say, “Who the heck is that?”
The message concluded with “I love you sweetheart,” and Mrs. Shife looks at me and said she thought it was my Mom. Well that is not what I was thinking. First I thought Mrs. Shife found a new boyfriend, then I thought wrong number, then I thought my Mom is not a dude, and then I don’t know what I thought. I got up and played the message, and sure enough it was my Mom but it sure wasn’t her voice. My Mom is tiny; she is 4’11” and weighs about 110 pounds, and the only way this was her voice was if she got a sex change overnight or started shooting massive amounts of roids in her butt. It was surreal listening to the message because it was like the voice of Buffalo Bill on “Silence of the Lambs” or when criminals disguise their voices when they are talking to cops in the movies. So I called my Mom back immediately to make sure she hadn’t turned into some yoked-out freak or was in the process of becoming a dude. It turns out everything is OK. I guess my parent’s phone has a button that you can push that will alter your voice, and my Mom accidentally hit the “I’m a Man, baby” version when she called.

Have a great weekend.


  1. I want a phone like that so I can do something with the phone!

    Unless... your readers have other suggestions on how I can have fun on the phone? ;-)

  2. So glad your mom isn't a dude! But like Missy, I'd LOVE to have a phone like that. Sounds like you could have loads of fun with long as you block the number first for those who have caller ID. :D

  3. Anonymous10/13/2006

    OMG, you compared your mom to BUFFALO BILL?????

    That has to be the funniest thing I've read all day. Thanks Shife. ;)

  4. does the phone have an option that would make you sound real sick when you call into work?

    i'll bet the chinese and japanese are in a race to develop one right now, it might even spew germs out the other end.

  5. I want a phone that can alter my voice so I can sound like Kenny or Cartman from "South Park".

  6. My mom is possibly a dude too. I can't bring myself to blog about it yet.

  7. Haha that's funny, I am glad your mom has not turned into a man.

    I think if I had caller ID i'd never answer the phone again, I don't answer it much as it is.

    Good to see you mention quincy!

  8. Ouch Shife tough one for the Cards last night my friend. Although and don't hate me, I like DA BEARS!

  9. when I first saw that story about birds and bees last week I thought maybe they were using gay as an adjective.

    telling your kids about sex using the birds and the bees is gay.


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