Wednesday, March 29, 2006

How's This For Embarrassing?

I rarely speak of work on my blog because it is not that interesting and I would rather talk about other things. But yesterday something happened that I have to contribute. The guy I share an office space has been on vacation for a week so I have been able to do pretty much what I want, when I want. Crank up the music, pick my nose, scratch my balls, and fart. Well at least in my mind I thought the last activity mentioned was safe.
I ate something that did not agree with me and I was more gassed up than an 18-wheeler. I sent out a test balloon to make sure my fart was not rancid and it would no peel any paint or burn someone’s body hair. The fart came and went without any detectable odor. So that was cool. And as the day progressed, the fart machine that is my ass continued to provide a steady diet of gas but the farts still remained relatively harmless since they were not stinkers.
As this continues I am gaining more confidence and just letting them rip with reckless abandon. I am an arrogant farter, the worst kind. I am just blowing ass left and right, pushing my luck and just tempting fate.
Well karma decided to pay Mr. Shife a visit.
I am sitting at my desk and feel another one coming. I have my head down on my desk because I am thinking about how I wish it was 5 and I need to go home. So my head is down, and my butt is a little more exposed as it is raised up a little in my chair and pointing to the left. Also, I have my back exposed to anyone that walks around the corner to my work space making it pretty easy for someone to hear me before I see them. Do you see where this is heading?
I have felt fearless all day since they haven’t been loud or foul so I just let it go. And my eyes got about as big as basketballs because this one had some volume to it. And naturally my boss walks into my space two seconds later. Awesome.
Quick recap for those of you scoring at home: I am sitting at my desk with my head down, my ass is raised a little bit and to the left, my eyes are huge and this fart sound is bouncing off the walls when my boss walks around the corner to hand me an assignment.
Word cannot describe the awkwardness.

28 comments:

Terence said...

That makes me feel a tad better. I had a similar experience happen to me today. Only thing that saved me is there's a cubicle wall blocking my desk and my bosses' office door. Hopefully she (yeah..she, that just makes it worse) just thought I knocked something over.

Tina said...

LMAO That is too funny...a test balloon?! hahaha love the vivid detail. I just make it a rule to not do it unless I can close both office doors and know no one is around. lol

Nice work hehee :)

DaMasta said...

BWUAAAHAAHAAAA!

Even my TEST ones can kill. Gah!

Classic post. Classic.

Design Goddess said...

I don't know why passing gas is so hilarious, but I crack up every time! I think it's from my dad's side of the family. My grandpa would let 'em rip and then say "Did you see that elephant go by??!!" Of course we never believed him and my grandma would disapprovingly say "Oh John!" Of course he was also master of the ever classy "pull my finger" as well!

Big Ben said...

Most of my farts reek. I don't lift up, just try to have them go right into the chair - only to be released when i go get something at the printer and when the smell reaches someone's cubicle, I'm already gone.

Denise said...

You're a frickin' riot, Mr. Shife!!!!


I have changed my blog location. I'm now hosting it at my website.

Mental Excrements

Denise

nicole said...

Shife, I think you've taken your embarrassment hit for the rest of the YEAR at this point. JEBUS, DUDE!!!

So for dudes the sound doesn't matter because it's all about the smell? I don't want ANY evidence of what MY ass has been tooting!

Phats said...

haha nice one! I never get time to myself at work you are lucky :) even if you did get caught farting.

Cupcake said...

You mean you didn't try to cover up the sound by scuffing your shoe on the floor, dragging your arm across the desk, imitating the noise with your mouth (yeah, I was doing that - not my butt!) etc. etc..?

How red was your face? Did you notice your boss holding his breath while trying to talk to you? Why am I so interested in this??

Shife, you are the wind beneath my wings. Or is that 'your wind is beneath my wings'?

Jane said...

Well, at least it wasn't a crappy day at the office!!!

Sideshow said...

I feel sorry for you guys, I actually walk into my boss's office TO fart. It usually goes something like this:

I walk into his office.
BOSS: Yes? What's up?
ME: Nothing.
BOSS: You're farting, aren't you? You son of a bitch.
ME: Gotta go.

The Reverend Jon Boles said...

Yeah, I'm like Sideshow. My bosses leave their offices to fart on me, and I end up going into their office to get revenge. If you can imagine guerilla warfare with farts, you have a good idea of what work is like on a slow day.

White Dade said...

This happens to me on a daily basis. Occasionally someone will be like "Man, your office smells." I once said "Did it ever occur to you that I do that so that none of you come in here?" Seems to work.

Super Woman said...

Your post reminds me of my embarassed teenage years. I lived with two walking stink bombs. Some of my stories are family legend.

Katina Cloud said...

This is great!!!

angel, jr. said...

Hahahahahaha! That is great!!! Classic! I've done that many times. I'm glad I'm not the only one.

Father of 3 said...

Laughing, I spit coffee on my keyboard again, Shife!!! Note to self: Read Shife after coffee!

Shoe Diva said...

OMG that is funny......gotta love Gas - remember when Howard Stern dressed up as Fartman on MTV

The Phoenix said...

Man...I'm laughing outloud now.

The visual is just too funny. Maybe the next time you have the fart attacks, you should do an audio post.

dashababy said...

OMG! Thanks for the laughs, totally at your expense of course.
You fearless farter you.

BigBen looks like David Hasselhoff here. Did you see him on Extra last night. He's getting D-vorced! He was yuckin' it up as reporters followed him. He even started talking to his watch.

leo myshkin said...

what a lovely picture you've painted.

i can imagine slim pickens walking in and taking his cowboy hat off to try and move the air.

Design Goddess said...

Hey Shife! I saw this on the front of the local newspaper. Thought you might want to join the fight! :)

the_mrs said...

Bwahahah!! =D Too funny.....

That reminds me of a story of a family member....she was on a plane and had to pass gas. So she also did the little "test poot". She didn't hear anything, so she though she was okay. She kept letting them slide here and there, until finally some guy came up to her and yelled at her "Stop farting!"

It turns out she had forgotten she was wearing headphones, and the guy next to her couldn't handle it anymore. DOH!!! ;)

Ashburnite said...

oh my god...I have had that happen a few times...so embarrassing.

yellowdog granny said...

farts make me think of the george carlin joke about how farts stay in the cushions of the couch...and dont come out till someone sits on them again..and it pushes them out and you can blame this totally innocent person for the fart...that's why we always had a dog..blame it on the alpo..

Scottish Toodler said...

Oh DUDE-- the humanity...the flatulence... the stinkiness...

platkat said...

I've had this happen before... my boss walked in right after I let one rip. He saw the look on my face and wondered what was wrong until he took another few steps forward and I watched it just hit him in the face. Youch!

Luke said...

I... I... am just speachless.