Well I have been meaning to share this story for a little bit now, but a little thing called work has kept getting in the way. For the Labor Day weekend, Mrs. Shife and I went to her parent's house over the long weekend. It is roughly a little more than six hours. We hit the road after work and were on our way. Mrs. Shife drove, and I enjoyed some fabulous cinematic adventures on my portable DVD player. Well as the miles started to rack up something strange started to manifest itself in my pants. I am not sure if it was because I was sitting in the same position for hours or if there was sudden change in cabin pressure or if I had a dormant case of crotch rot that only surfaced in eastern Oregon or if I just suffered from itchy butt syndrome. Whatever the heck was going on in the Fruit of the Loom kingdom is still a mystery but somebody was going to get hurt if there was not a resolution to this drama. So I was faced with a bit of dilemma. Do I ask my lovely wife to pull over so I can further investigate to see if I am smuggling carpenter ants in my pants or do I just take matters into my own hands? The next words out of Mrs. Shife's mouth were "What the fuck are you doing?" so that might give you an idea of what I decided to do. I pulled down my shorts, grabbed my underwear, and started pulling. It is amazing how easily those cotton nut huggers fall to pieces when you pull hard enough. I yanked, tugged, heaved, ripped, jerked, wrenched, cried, etc. and after about 10 minutes the only thing left was an elastic waistband. I could have easily said, "Mrs. Shife can you please pull over. I am experiencing some mild discomfort south of the border." But since I am stubborn son of a bitch I decided I would rather pluck those panties off right then and there in the thriving metropolis that is Milton-Freewater while we were cruising at a speed of 70 miles per hour. So I am down one pair of skivvies, but the joy I felt after being released from my undergarments was almost indescribable. So there you go; the highlight of my Labor Day weekend, but please do not shed any tears for the shredded Hanes because those undies died an honorable death. I do believe that my violent behavior towards my intimate apparel makes me ineligible to be an underwear model, but damn it, the truth had to be told to prevent this from happening to another innocent victim. Yes, it is true, underwear are not always fun to wear.
God, I am sooooo glad you are blogging again, I tell ya. We miss this kind of filth here! ;-)ReplyDelete
So...did you figure out exactly what caused the disturbance? Who's to blame for your itchiness? Peter Brady? Aliens? The Hoff?ReplyDelete
I strongly suggest that you forward the undies in question to the local authorities. I smell sabotage.
I'm almost ashamed to say I've done the exact same thing. I think it was sitting in the same position for too long. I couldn't stand it anymore and I pulled off my jeans, pulled off my panties and threw them out the window. Of course I was the one driving and I was alone so I had to pull over. It was still enough to make me laugh for the next five to ten miles when I thought of my panties sitting on the side of the road.ReplyDelete
OMFG I am ROTFLMAO.......I just read it to my daughter, and she did NOT think it funny, but oh I do, I do!ReplyDelete
Ok so what was the problem anyway, and why didnt you just TAKE them off unstead of rrrripppping them!
it sounds like a good seinfeld episode. i can picture george having the underwear problems and his father screaming serenity now.ReplyDelete
Hahaha so I must ask, yet am afraid while doing asking, what was the issue?ReplyDelete
"Cinematic adventures" sounded familiar...have you seen Dane Cook do his comedic act? omg its great! :)
haha that's hilarious I absolutely love your stories and your blog, and I am thankful you're back. Glad you took care of the problem that could have been a really uncomfortable trip!ReplyDelete
HEY GO VANDALS!! :)
I, too, have tossed a pair of panties out of the window of a moving vehicle.ReplyDelete
I hope no other drivers were harmed.
I thought for sure you were going to say something embarassing happened to your tighty whities while being around your wife's family! But this story was just as entertaining! :DReplyDelete
I've gotta try going commando sometime.ReplyDelete
I'm thinking that the "nut-hugging" action of your late underdrawers might have had a lot to do with your sudden discomfort. I guess the "cash and prizes" were yearning to breathe fee. ;)ReplyDelete
Hubby did that once and freaked me out.
any time I can log onto someone's site (I said log) and see a posting on underwear is a good day.ReplyDelete
Welcome back, Kotter.