Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Paint Me Crazy

Mrs. Shife is attempting to paint the family room and is repeatedly asking for my opinion, and I repeatedly tell her “that looks great.” Evidently that answer to her paint question is the equivalent of me telling her that she is bitchy a certain time of the month. And we all know that is a lose-lose situation for all parties involved.
So I need to come up with a better answer or I will spend the better part of my life with half of my ass missing.
So on with the story.
She has these color palettes and swatches all over the place. They are on the floor, taped to the wall, in my underwear drawer, on the moon. It looks like a couple of rainbows had an orgy in my front room. They are everywhere.
She holds a palette with different shades of white and they all look the same to me. There is Spinach White, Creamy, Downy, Popcorn, Extra White, White Duck, Marshmallow, Ibis White, Ivory White, Pearly White, Alabaster, Nonchalant White, Moderne White, etc.
How about You Got to Be Fucking Kidding Me White?
I see white as white. There are no variations. It is effin’ white. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Tangerine, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Cheerful is my emotional state after the Cardinals win, not the color of the north wall. We have no idea what Mauve is. What the hell is Jacaranda? Can you get a shot for that?
She promises she is near a decision. I hope so.
Because if I have to look at another shade of white then I am afraid the men in the white coats might be coming to pay me a visit.

33 comments:

Bad Habit Brota said...

Now, these men with the white coats...are the coats Spinach White, Ibis White, Ivory White, Pearly White, or what? :D

The Reverend Jon Boles said...

Orgy of rainbows....nice.

I've thought about painting my walls black, not because I'm all glum but because I'd sleep better on midnight shift.

Sideshow said...

On the bright side, at least you will have plastic sheeting on the flooring when you put a gun in your mouth.

Design Goddess said...

It is amazing how many different "whites" there are out there. Good luck Hope you make it through the trying time.

DaMasta said...

..on the moon..

LOLOLOL.

I count six different shades of white in the room I'm in.

Uh oh. .. I think those men in white coats already caught me.

Super Woman said...

Next time she asks you to pick out your favorite white,etc, just look at them. If you see no difference, just pick one. Just be sure it doesn't look like you are saying "Eeeney Miney Moe" in your head when you do it. If you do see a difference, think to yourself, which shade will you be able to live with, and go with that.

Tina said...

Allwhite Already - jus pick one :p

the_mrs said...

This reminded me of that toothpaste commercial where the teacher asks the kids, "What color are my teeth?" and they all start saying "Cream!" "Taupe!" "Mother-of-Pearl!" =D

Oh, and also---"white" is a shade, not a color. Try using that line on your wife and see what happens--lol

yellowdog granny said...

oh man ...bd habit brota stole my comment...i was going to say is the white coat really white or is it ecru.....
i worked in paint dept..for ever..i know paints and believe me..there is a lot of difference in whites..espcially on the wall..tell her to remember to look at the color on the wall in different lights..with out door light..with indoor light..at different times of the day the light is diffrent in the room..take that into account...hee..hee..now you're really fucked..

nicole said...

It's not a guy thing. I'm a woman who works in visual design. But 31 flavors of white go way high over MY head. I just don't the have patience for house paint.

shirley said...

A bunch of rainbows had an orgy and all they made was white? Oh wait, I get it! Oh wait, that's sick! And hot?

meghansdiscontent said...

Paint colors are HARD!
And she keeps asking because INEVITABLY, even though men SAY they don't care, the minute the durn color is on the wall they say something like: "THAT's the color you picked? It looked different when you showed it to me."

And there are tons of shades of white. I know you men can't see it . . but they are all VERY different. :)

I love playing devil's advocate.

Jon said...

Unfortunately, I'm an artist, so I actually do see those colors. It's a curse. It makes up for my wife being colorblind.

Pollyanna said...

I'm getting ready to go through this whole thing in our new house. But I have to say, some painting is just REQUIRED. Like say, for instance, one of your guest rooms is painted--oh...I don't know--ROYAL BLUE with a giant, professional MOTOCROSS RACER MURAL on the wall and the word YAMAHA inscribed in white across the wide blue nightmare. That sort of setup demands immediate attention, no matter your color perception.

And I'd say the word YAMAHA was written in a rather blanched white, much like the color of my face when I first walked into that room. *shudder*

Blonde Vigilante said...

Okay, it's official, my last boyfriend was gay. He was your wife and I was you in that situation. He couldn't make a fucking decision on what color he wanted to paint the living room and I almost had to kill him. Gayfer!

mrs_s said...

Matt, colors aside, I have you noticed a resemblence between your wife and the chick on that new show, um, Free Ride I think? Maybe it is just me... lol.

platkat said...

Just pick a color and say, "That one. Now go buy some paint." And that will be the end of it.

mrshife said...

Oh Platkat, if it were that easier. It doesn't work in shoe shopping so I doubt it is going to work with the paint.
And Mrs_S I have not seen or heard about this show, Free Ride. I might have to look at it to see if you are right.

The Phoenix said...

I don't like all those variations of white...because they all do look the same. If your mrs. had some guts, she'd go with the new neutrals...such as a sage grey, or a deeper beige. I have no white walls in my house. It's the metrosexual in me.

leo myshkin said...

captain kirk doesn't believe in the no-win scenario, i think romulan ale has a much nicer hue than klingon blood wine.

mrs_s said...

This chick right here http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0128657/

I keep telling Nathan every time I see it and he just nods in that same way I am sure you are nodding at the white paint swatches.

dashababy said...

Your birthday's in 2 weeks? Me too!

Now Matt, c'mon. You gotta know there are different color whites. Think about it. Like the colorsof a new baseball versus the color of an old antique baseball.
Or at least play along, ok. Just say this, "I think the color needs to be warmer or cooler, or more intimate. I think we should go with the "Toasted Wheat". Just tell her, if we don't like it, we can always paint over it.
I totally understand what your wife is going thru but the fact that she is even including you in the decision making I think is nice.

Jay said...

It must be a man thing. My husband moved out last time I painted. Life is just easier that way.

Big Ben said...

went throught the same thing, but had to pick colours for every room in my new condo. Blue Jays rule.

Phats said...

hmm Paint it periwinkle!

missy said...

Hey Mr Shifely! Just a quickie to say- Happy Easter to the Shifes!

Steph said...

Just tell her that you trust her interior decorator skills, and will love whatever colour she paints the walls....or sumthin'.

The Scarlett said...

I'm not a big fan of white for anything but woodwork. For that, I pick the brightest white because I don't want anything to look dirty.

I guess the key is to ask HER what SHE likes best and then you tell her that she is brilliant. That's all I've got.

SugarHigh said...

the correct answer is:

I like that color, I think it brings out your eyes and makes the room look so cozy and welcoming.

My theory on picking wall color is pick the color that sounds the yummiest. Personally I would pick marshmallow. as you know marshmallow and i go way back.

Try to avoid really bright colors because you will then have to pick really bright furniture to go with it. try colors that are more muted like mauve, sage, coffee, toffee, burnt sienna, etc. These colors will create a warming effect. Oh god, i sound like that personal massage oil commercial. oy, gotta go. Goodluck with the painting.

Scottish Toodler said...

LMAO!!! Please don't forget to tell us which "colour" wins!!! snicker...men's default colour perception settings...LOL

Anonymous said...

A small note on the jacaranda. The Jacaranda is a tree that can be found in South Africa. Most specifically, it's what the capital Pretoria is famous for. check it out sometime. lol :)

Zack said...

I think it comes down to colour blindness. On average about 8 percent of males have some form of colour blindness and only 0.4 percent of females do. I use it as my built in excuse to not be able to tell the difference between different shades of the same colour.

Luke said...

I'm in an all-white apartment. Some days I wish I could repaint it all. I love color.