Monday, September 22, 2008

A Letter to Fall

Dear Fall,
Suck it. Yeah that’s right; you and your fancy Autumnal Equinox can go huff paint and make out with a Thai tranny for all I care. I know today is your big day but you are about as welcome as a fart in a car. If you were an ice cream flavor, you'd be pralines and dick. Sure this might be a little harsh especially since you have no idea who I am but trust me I know you and how you make us transition from summer to winter. You are a sick and twisted monster. How dare you make me transition? You know what? How about we transition a foot right up your butt? How does that sound? The sunlight has been disappearing. The nights are growing longer. The leaves are starting to fall off the trees. The nerve you have shortening my days and making me wear a relatively heavy shirt made out of synthetic fibers. I might even have to thrown on a peter heater. Fall or should I call you Autumn? Does the carpet even match the drapes? How about I just call you Turd Ferguson? Anyway, Turd, you are unyielding in your cruelty. Oh I despise you and your stranglehold on the calendar for the next 90 days. This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person. Well you miserable ham fisted salad tosser I hope you are happy with yourself. I imagine you will have some sort of rebuttal to this angry tirade but please don’t respond because I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Unsincerely yours,
Mr. Shife


P.S. Truth be told I am just a little bitter because all my teams lost this weekend so Fall is getting the brunt of my frustration.

18 comments:

Random Chick said...

Glad you got that off your chest. Now, how do you really feel? I still think you are holding back...

Penelope said...

What the crap is the "fall" thing? We only have nine months of summer here on the Gulf Coast and a hodge podge of "not quite so hot" randomly.

Karen

just bob said...

My biggest complaint about fall is that it is the harbinger for winter. In my opinion, winter sucks much harder than fall.

Suzanne said...

Fall, what a beautiful season as the year transitions from living to death. I love fall. Love the scent, the colors, the gentle slide into nite-nite. Ahhhhhhhhhh, such a lovely nudge to Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa...and then of course, piles of leaves to nestle into the gardens. Everyone needs a rest. Even Mother Earth. Would you begrudge her that you selfish little bastard!!!??? Of course I'm laughing. Just busting what balls you have left after all that effort. But seriously, I love Fall.

So glad the book arrived and you love the art. Kinda silly, but fun! Have a fun read. And what are you reading in Daddy Land? That sorta intersts me. Take your time and enjoy. Random Chick has indicated she doesn't need the book, but Leah said she would LOVE it! And I'm sure she would! I'll get the address if you can't. Basically I'll just go to her blog and beg. I'm kinda simple.

Love ya dear. Glad the book finally arrived because I actually sent it!

XO

Suzanne said...

Oh...and I should have said "life to death." I'm imperfect.

Leah said...

Yeah, who is Fall to make us transition like this?!

billy pilgrim said...

i'm just happy that the mosquitoes have retired for the season.

Essentially Me said...

Aww don't be so hard on fall!

Robyn said...

WOWSERS!
Do you feel better friend?! Just wanted to pop in and say hello! But...maybe I will come back when it is a better time...yes/no. Oh well I am here now!
Hey you! And by the way CONGRATS! A mini you! Yippee! Really I am so excited for the both of you!
Things are coming along and there are more good days than bad...
Hugs,
Robyn

Jon said...

I guess you can send Autumn over for a rebound relationship with me. It's by far my favorite time of year, if for no other reason than it stops being so hot and humid here in Florida.

YogaforCynics said...

Hmmm...I might quote some Gerard Manley Hopkins about Fall, but am suspecting it might not go over so well here....

Booya said...

Yep, fall can suck it and spring can eat a fat one too! Thanks for all of the sinus conjestion. Not like I actually like being able to breath without a problem.

INNER VOICES said...

ah ha!!! yaaaa fall... i love fall then the best season of them all!!! comes after fall!!!


wait for it...





winter!!!!

Woozie said...

If you've sucked a finger you've sucked a dick. They taste about the same. True story.

Pralines on the other hand...

Cecile said...

I have to go eat chinese food, so I'll comment of fall a bit later.

see ya after dinner.

angel, jr. said...

Okay, the P.S. explained everything.

The Duck said...

Seriously Shife? What the hell is wrong with your school?

Tina said...

LOL I'm not so sure Autumn is my favorite season anymore... ;)