Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Random Thoughts

This is going to be a little disjointed as I am just trying to get the cluttered mess out of my head and onto paper. I know everyone is wondering if I am doing OK, and for the most part yes I am. But I miss my mom terribly and sometimes I don’t know how to deal with that pain. Sometimes it is sleep or a starry night or a walk with the fat basset or holding hands with my beloved wife or just crying. It helps to ease the hurt but the world has not stopped spinning because of my sadness. As time pushes me forward I am finding this to be the most difficult week of all. It has been a month since she passed, and the anger is starting to surface. It could be a combination of a few things forming to create this fury but it is there and I have to deal with it. I think I am just mostly angry because I just want one more day with her or even one more hour. I look around and see people who don’t know how lucky they are to be able to call up their mom or go visit or be with her. I see people who don’t even care if their parents are alive or dead. I know I am looking at my scenario with an extremely narrow focus because minus the heartache I am in a pretty good situation with my life. I need to concentrate on that but it is hard. Much harder than I thought. I thought I was handling it pretty well but I guess I was fooling myself. What’s next? I don’t know. I really don’t. I have always wanted to do more with my life in the humanitarian sense. I need to find that path because I know it will bring me great joy and comfort to help others, and I definitely want to do it in honor of my mother because she was a compassionate soul who cared for so many. I am hoping she can show me the way. I don’t plan on running off to Africa or anything like that, but I would like to find a cause where I can donate my time or services to help make someone’s life a little better. And before I forget, thank you to each and everyone one of you who have been there for me and my family. Your words and actions are greatly appreciated. I have also included words to a song I recently heard by a band called Daughtry (http://myplay.com/videos/daughtry/what-about-now/). Music can be interpreted in so many ways but to me it helps me think of that tiny little lady who gave me so much and I thank my lucky stars that she was my mom.

"What About Now"

Shadows fill an empty heart

As love is fading,

From all the things that we are

But are not saying.

Can we see beyond the scars

And make it to the dawn?

Change the colors of the sky.

And open up to

The ways you made me feel alive,

The ways I loved you.

For all the things that never died,

To make it through the night,

Love will find you.

What about now?

What about today?

What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?

What if our love never went away?

What if it's lost behind words we could never find?

Baby, before it's too late,

What about now?

The sun is breaking in your eyes

To start a new day.

This broken heart can still survive

With a touch of your grace.

Shadows fade into the light.

I am by your side,

Where love will find you.

What about now?

What about today?

What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?

What if our love, it never went away?

What if it's lost behind words we could never find?

Baby, before it's too late,

What about now?

Now that we're here,

Now that we've come this far,

Just hold on.

There is nothing to fear,

For I am right beside you.

For all my life,

I am yours.

What about now?

What about today?

What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?

What if our love never went away?

What if it's lost behind words we could never find?

What about now?

What about today?

What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?

What if our love never went away?

What if it's lost behind words we could never find?

Baby, before it's too late,

Baby, before it's too late,

Baby, before it's too late,

What about now?