Friday, July 23, 2010

I Just Blue Myself

"If you spend your whole life worrying then your life only has meaning if what you fear becomes real."

I am not sure where I heard that quote or who said it but I wrote it down because it spoke to me because I do a lot of future worrying and get worked up over stuff that may or may not become a reality. I have spent the last 5 years or so coming to the realization that I have some mild anxiety and depression issues that are impacting my life.
Looking back through my teen years and beyond I can clearly see that they have always been there but I thought I was just moody and a grouchy butthole every now and then. So after realizing that the anxiety was now turning into panic attacks and I could not shake the depression like I used to I sought medical help.

I have taken meds like Xanax, Wellbutrin, Diazepam (not at the same time of course because that would be crazy) to help balance me out. I always expected the meds to magically transform me into Mr. Happy who can shoot sunshine out of my rear but alas that was not the case.

After a while I would go off the meds because of arrogance and ignorance, and I would be fine for a nice chunk of time but eventually the blue moods along with anxiety would return and leave me feeling not quite right. I know, I know just stay on the meds but I would tell myself that I am fine and I don't need the pills anymore so I quit taking them. Well I went off the meds again about 8 months ago and the cycle again repeated itself. Part of me doesn't want to admit that I need medicine, part of me doesn't like being on medicine, but then part of me realized I was being a selfish doucher because my moods this time were effecting more than just me. My funkiness was hurting my relationship with Mrs. Shife, Baby Shife, and all my friends and family.

After I peeled away the 7 levels of stubbornness, I realized it is better to be on meds than to be a miserable old man. I know anxiety, worrying, and bad moods are a part of everyone's life but sometimes my brain can't process them very well and I feel overwhelmed. If I a pill every now and then can balance that out and let me focus on other things like enjoying life with my family and friends then pride be damned and so be it.

I would prefer to not take anything to feel somewhat normal but the fact is I am just not wired that way and I need help. Plus the little angel below deserves to have his Dad be the best Dad he can be for him.


23 comments:

just bob said...

We're like carbon copies of each other... except you have a wife, kid, and dog.

Jon said...

My wife had the same issues, as well as a few friends of ours. It seems like a big step at first, but ultimately it's better. Good luck with it!

Travis Erwin said...

"Pride be damned" is good advice for most things in life.

Red said...

You have to continue with what works. If this is what is giving you a better life and keeping things good for all concerned then you are doing the better thing. Pride is a falsehood. You're a good Husband and Father and a good Friend, bottom line so you do what is right for you and don't listen to the nyah-nyahs in your head or coming from someone else's opinion-hole. Baby Shife is a lucky little tooter.

Valerie said...

I agree with everybody and can only emphasise 'Pride be Damned'. Remember that more people suffer anxieties than those who don't (which doesn't sound very good English but who cares...) My Hubs is a prime case, he worries about everything - or rather he used to until he took steps to overcome it. Good luck to you and kisses for Baby Shife.

billy pilgrim said...

rumination! it's a killer.

years ago a doctor told me not to confuse thoughts with facts. ruminating negative factless thoughts is a hard cycle to break.

TOPolk said...

I second Travis's post. Not only will it be great for you, but for your family as well.

Nice new blog layout. I dig it.

Megan said...

Good luck!

Ananda girl said...

Good for you Shife. I am glad to hear that. Hey... I'm a diabetic and I need pills to keep me right. I see no difference. I'm also no stranger to anxiety or depression and their assorted medications.

Take the pills. Be happy. You deserve it!

kylie said...

i dont know anxiety or depression except in unusual circumstances but i do know parenting. and life.

with both of them you just have to do what works for you.
you found what works, stick with it :)

Ms. Moon said...

Hey babe. I know this song and dance very well. It sucks but you have to do what you have to do.

WomanHonorThyself said...

hey I'm so proud of the disclosure and insight you show Shifey..stay the course ..for your sake and the sake of your fam who loves u soooooooooooo much!!!

texlahoma said...

I think you have worked that out just fine, I mean you have come to the right conclusion. I think people should divide their worries into two categories. Ones that you can do nothing about and worries that you can prepare for. Good luck Mr. Shife, you are a good man that a lot of people care about, for real.

Phats said...

First off nice new look to the blog I have been MIA here for a bit.

A lot of people deal with depression, nothing to be ashamed about it, staying on the meds good idea though especially for the little one :)

KnitTech said...

Yea, it's hard taking those meds, but you've got to do it.

Design Goddess said...

No shame in realizing you need help. I did the same thing when I was finishing up design school. I was freaking out with all the work I had to do and feeling very overwhelmed.

Now, it's not as bad and my moods have evened out. Which makes me a much nicer person to be around at certain times...that you probably don't really have to worry about. ;)

Just remember the reason why you're doing it and that it's worth it! :)

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

Shife, it takes a big man to admit he needs help, and I know exactly what you're talking about. I like to think that I'm okay without it, but we only think that because the meds are regulating us.

I think you're doing the right thing, and I'm sure Mrs. Shife, Baby Shife, and Tank will appreciate that.

Also, nice use of the word "doucher!"

Posey said...

Nicely said, Travis.

Shifer, I hate medicine. I always have, even as a kid. I just plain hate it. But as I've gotten older and less stubborn I've learned that my midol dependency isn't so so bad. I'd rather have to depend on a pill than murder five Alabamians once a month. Besides, the murdering might interfere with my twittering.

;) I'm not making light of your situation. My mother has panic attacks. I witnessed one as a teen. Scary stuff. She takes zoloft for it. She's tried to take herself off more times than one can count. She's just recently realized that she's always going to be on them, and there's nothing that will change that. Accepting that has helped her a lot.

Suzanne said...

I love you so much. I haven't read any other comment, but will. I just want you to know I love you.

Cece said...

I always knew you were just as screwed up as the rest of us. That's why you fit in so well. It makes us human. I like the new look of the blog as well. And you were very brave to share that personal bit of info with us total strangers. Thank you for letting us into your life.

Leah said...

Good for you. I can attest to how much the meds can help. I wouldn't be here without them.

I too love the new look!

angel, jr. said...

You are the best Dad and husband...because you have taken this step of realization and are doing something for you and for them.