Thursday, September 09, 2010

Spam is Delicious

I was bored the other day so I decided to write back one of the spam e-mails I received from my good friend Abu Mike. Unfortunately he has not written me back yet but I have my fingers crossed that he is going to come through and give me the answers to my very - if I must say so myself - awesome questions.

Dear Sir,
I saw your address online and i decided to contact you with this regards. Below is the contacts of my family, We are from ancient kingdom of Ashanti Region Kumasi,Ghana,our family Chief name is Chief Nana Num Ofori 111,


We are highly interested to deal in a long terms business with you, if only you can understand our primary problems. we are facing a lots of problems in our mining concessions, because we lack modern mining equipments and machines,we are using man power to mine,i mean we uses local method to mine such has been resulting loosing the life of the workers in the site for lack of machines.

For now we are in the position of 200 kg of alluvial gold dust 22+ carats with 92% purity and our local price is $28,500usd per a kilo,upon hearing from you then i will disclose to you exactly the type of equipments machines we need for the projects.

Regards,
Mr Abu Mike
for the family,

Dear Abu Mike,
Do you mind if I call you Big Mike? Evidently I drank too much last night and thought it would be a good idea to ask you a few questions. I've already interviewed several important people in my lifetime so I know what I am doing so your answers are very crucial to my willingness to participate in your very generous offer.
I'd very much like to hear your answers Big Mike, and please be real. I have a Master's degree in Fecal Analysis so I am skilled like a frickin' ninja.
Below are the questions, and please e-mail the answers back to me.
Time is of the essence. There is a Rae-Dawn Chong movie festival this weekend and I can't miss it so don't mess around.
Thank you, in advance, for your help, Big Mike, and fist pump!!!

1) Do you think sexual harassment at work is a problem for the self-employed?
2) What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
3) Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are both the same number of letters?
4) Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?
5) I got my clothes to smell like cat litter even though I don't own cats. Is that an achievement?
6) Has anyone told you that you are Hoffilicious?
7) About how much do you earn per month from your wonderfully written - honestly it is like reading Shakespeare - email inquiries?
8) Were you disappointed with the ending of "Lost'?
9) What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Come on. OK I will give you this one, Polaroids.
10) Is it possible to Free Tibet with the purchase of a Tibet of equal or lesser value?
11) Agree or disagree with Kay Jewelers? I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night that more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
12) A friend told me she knows she's getting old because she's wet in places where she used to be dry, & dry where she used to be wet. Do you find that amusing or depressing?
13) Is it bitter irony if you hurt yourself while doing The Safety Dance?
14) Do you know the man from Nantucket?
15) When answering a Craigslist ad, do you think it is important to clarify the meaning of "XXX fun" up front? You could end up playing Nintendo with a large woman
16) Did you know the phrase "Tricky Dick" refers to both former President Richard Nixon and penis puppeteer Rich Handey so be specific in your usage.
17) Do you think when Nomar Garciaparra is around his buddies and talks about meeting his wife he tells them that he pulled a Hammy.
18) Do you know petting an animal can lower your heart rate? However that animal should not be a wolverine.
19) Are there any online communities, forums or message boards where you like to discuss your hobby of being a doucher?
20) What part of your body smells the worst?
21) Do you cry yourself to sleep and use the tears as lubricant to masturbate?
22) Are most of your friends and family members aware that you have a Dora the Explorer tattoo?
23) Did you know religion & birth control are more compatible than you may think? Every time a condom breaks, someone learns to pray.
24) Is it inappropriate to leave the door open when you use the bathroom on planes?
25) Will you rename your iPod the Titanic so when you plug it in it says the Titanic is syncing.?
26) If your mother asks if you are sexually active, the correct response is what? OK I will give you another one … "No, I just lie there."
27) Is reading in the bathroom considered multitasking?
28) Do you ever feel weird when you give yourself a prostate exam?
29) Do you feel gay when you say "Sometimes when we touch, the honesty is too much” when you are dancing with a life-sized Clifford the Red Dog ?
30) Besides pooping, what other things do bears do in the woods?
31) Did you know the guy who wrote the Folgers jingle never got woken up with a BJ?
32) Huey, Lewey, or Dewey? Which one would you date and why?
33) Do you know that is always crucial to check yourself before you wreck yourself?
34) Do you think this is a good marketing slogan? Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
35) It is funny how guys always say they would give their left nut to do something awesome. Why is the right nut so much cooler than the left nut?
36) Did you know every fight is a food fight if you are a cannibal?
37) Don't you wish one day the weather forecast was partly sunny with a chance of ninjas?
38) If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
39) Are you familiar with a Cleveland Steamer?

Thank you, in advance, for taking the time to answer my questions. :)


Have a great weekend everyone and here is a picture of my favorite little dude:



16 comments:

Valerie said...

Did you know religion & birth control are more compatible than you may think? Every time a condom breaks, someone learns to pray.

Brilliant! Well they all were, but that one made me laugh out loud.
Thanks for the fix pic... cutie boy gets cuter every time I see his smiling face. Have a good week.

Ms. Moon said...

I liked the Every Kiss one best. You're right.
And of course- your little man is just amazingly gorgeous.

KnitTech said...

He's adorable.

Did you get any answers yet?

Ananda girl said...

I can't say which one cracked me up more... but I like your idea of answering spam that way. :-)

You always get me laughing and that boy always leaves me with a big grin.
Great post Shife!

Red said...

You're featured in "Today's Forecast" and "Hoffilicious" is the word of the day @ Corndog. Weirdo.

billy pilgrim said...

wow, ruby has a master's degree in fecal analysis too!

just bob said...

Lil Shife is a Cougar? I'll bet he could start right now for WSU.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I laughed my ass off at this! Did you come up with all those questions? Big Mike has a lot of work to do if he's going to answer all of those, especially the one about the toaster. That one had me rollin'. Big ups, Big Shife.

Papa K said...

I receive endless spam through my work email. It's pretty hilarious bc it's so damn obvious that it's fake. Do they REALLY get responses back from people? I've honestly never thought of emailing them back. Excellent tactic. Funny stuff.

Megan said...

Giggles.

WomanHonorThyself said...

lol your favorite lil one gets cuter each day Shifey! God bless:)

Phats said...

haha that's awesome

you should have bet Travis! he came back with a new one I didn't have time to get to you and didn't want bother ya

Random Chick said...

Hey there...now that was funneh! LOL!

texlahoma said...

That's pretty cool, turning a bad thing like spam into something fun.
BTW petting some animals will lower your heartbeat all the way to zero.

tina said...

hehe!...did you receive a response? ;)

Posey said...

ROFLMAAAAAAAAAAAO

A long day of homeschool down here, I need this!