Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Mexican Anecdotes


This might be the first of many, but here is my inaugural Mexican tale from my lost weekend in Puerto Penasco.
We spent 3 days south of the border and during those 72 hours I ingested quite a few things that after being shaken, stirred, and processed in my belly were ready to take their final journey home to the big sewage plant in the sky.
So I wake up Sunday and there is a bear in my ass. I mean he is growling and ready to be exorcised. Everything's cool because the condo we rented with friends was spacious enough that Mrs. Shife and I have our own bathroom so if I need to blast a portal to hell we should be OK. And I have matches. My first and only travel tip, don't forget the matches.
I am up, I say hello to my little friend (He is always up way before me), and notice that Mrs. Shife is looking puzzled. She informs that there is no water (Puerto Penasco has to truck in all its water and since they are right next to the ocean it is ironic) and no electricity.
This is not good, I say, and meanwhile, my bottom is growing more and more antsy. Well, I alert the colon warriors of our unfortunate surroundings and they lock down the hatches and submerge. It is like a scene in a submarine movie when the sub is cruising on top of the water and then all of the sudden the enemy appears. Everyone heads to their battle stations and the sub immediately dives back into the ocean.
Anyway, let's move forward. I tell Mrs. Shife we need to hit the road because I don't know how long I can make it sitting on this weapon of ass destruction. So we load up our sexmobile, the 2006 Ford Taurus rental car, and say our goodbyes and begin the run for the border. Now I know what you are thinking, why not stop in town and take care of business? Well I have been in town and seen the banos, and let's just say I would rather shit my pants than take my chances with one of the local restrooms. Plus, this was the morning after a concert where there about 4,000 gringos drunk as hell in town, and the last time I checked the sanitation of the bathrooms is not a high priority in third-world nations.
So it is about 60 miles to the border and as we get closer and closer it is becoming more apparent that I am racing the clock. The colon warriors send me a message, "We are giving her all we got, Captain." I was surprised as well to know that poop was female.
Mrs. Shife suggests that we pull over and I go outside in the desert. I thank her for the suggestion but remind her of my fear of pooping outdoors.
Let's us pause for an amusing but traumatic anecdote.
Several years ago I was helping a friend with his crops, and it was a carrot field. Well in southern Idaho they use bees to help pollinate the crops and stuff so there are literally thousands of bees in the crop fields. Well, we are nowhere near a shitter and I am doubled over in pain so my friend tells me to just go in the field. So I do, and evidently, human poo is a big hit with the bees because I was in the middle of a swarm right after I began my movement. I am hurrying up to finish and swatting away bees at the same time. I finally finish the deed and as I am wiping I get stung right in the neck. So I jump up screaming several dirty words like "I hate you bee, you winged mother fucker. Leave me alone and make some honey, asshole" and try to pull up my jeans while I am running from this swarm of bees in the middle of a carrot field. So I don't like shitting outside.
Back to the story, we hit the border, and I am having hot flashes and sharp pains strike my stomach intermittently. The line to get across was not too shabby, so we are in America. But there is nothing really on the American side that I believe would make my current situation a favorable experience so we have to wait for the first border town which is another 30 miles.
Holy Crap!
Mrs. Shife is starting to get concerned because I explain to her how I am feeling in terms I believe no one has ever used before. I can't verify this information but I feel strongly that I am the first to describe my predicament in the following way.
I told my lovely wife that you know at the rodeo when they put the bull in the pen and get him all fired up, then they stick a cowboy on top of him and then the bull is really fired up. He is ready to come unglued. He is pissed. He is ready to come flying out of the gate and do some damage, and it takes all the cowboys and rodeo clowns to hold that gate down until the cowboy on top says he is ready. Well that is basically what is going on with my rectum. I have bull in the pen and he is ready to dance.
Well, to make a long story less long, we pull into town and I race into the bathroom. And it is occupied. I wait and wait, start doing a little dance because we can longer abort the mission. And dancing like a dumb, white guy is an excellent way to distract the bull in the pen.
Anyway, the dude finished up, I think he wanted to have a dance off, but I said I had a turd honking for the right of way. Maybe we can dance later. And then I William Shatnered (also known as pooping) and the world was right again.
Yeah me.

28 comments:

Fiona said...

They say truly the best times begat the best Bowel Movements. Did you destroy that bathroom or what?

mrshife said...

Yes, I did, and as I was preparing to flush, the turd looked at me and winked.

Fiona said...

Only you can produce such quality waste.

cher said...

holy crap i was laughing so much during your post. there's just something about shit stories that crack me up.
I hope it's ok that I imagined Bon Jovi in the sub scene and it all became kinda erotic.

mrshife said...

Whatever floats your boat, Cher.
Bon voyage, Capt. Bon Jovi.

totolehero said...

i love shit stories too...
i have so many in my bag.., but this was a classic!!!
great post !

for those who who have strong stomachs as i do, this is a link my friend sent me after an extended poo conversation.. enjoy !!
;)

www.ratemypoo.com

cher said...

totolehero- ok that link was gross...but i coudn't stop looking! eventually my stomach started to churn, so i looked at a couple more and then left. i normally have a strong stomach. i sent it to my friend who needs to do a little submitting to that site! she's a toilet clogger

Andraste said...

Wow! Excellent story. I love the rodeo imagery.

CRAPtivating!

SugarHigh said...

that was craptastic! LMAO! I too have a thing for poo stories. it rates high on my laugh-o-meter, along with fart stories.
i love how your turd honked for the right of way. LOL!

LBseahag said...

You deserve a "pew"litzer prize...

you have, my friend, just polished a turd...

mrshife said...

You guys are great. You really, really like me.

Phats said...

This is classic man! I feel for you. At least the bees didn't sting your "wang" that would have been really bad.

You should start carrying a shitter cup with you.

T. Leach said...

With those bees that time, you're lucky you didn't get stung somewhere else. I hear that anaphalactic cock can kill.

Swanny said...

Dude, you are one hilarious bastard! I can never find just one thing to comment on though. Yer killing me man...

sc said...

dude your poo winked at you, thats special man, real special. POO 571, you won't come up for air till the stink is over. (okay that was dumb but i'm not erasing it).

mrshife said...

Is that on Web MD leach? Anaphalactic cock, that is funny.

Vince said...

I get to say it...

that was a "crappy" post

yessss

dashababy said...

Mrshife, this cannot be healthy but I commend you on your ability to hold the bull in the pen. I am truly amazed that you could wake up like that and then drive 100 miles in agony. Your one tough hombre. Your poor colon.
If you like poo stories, check out dadgonemad. He is hilarious too.

We all have our stories too we feel compelled to tell when the whole fam gets together.

Cardinals play tonight. Yay!!!

Blonde said...

I laughed so hard and so loud that I disturbed the peace and quiet of my lemmings in the office next to me.

I am crying I am laughing so hard. I don't know how MrsShife can handle you....ha!

Chairborne Stranger said...

dude only you can make shit like this so funny!! ha ha

totolehero--wtf?? i almost puked!

Robby said...

Glad to see everything came out alright in the end.

SuperSpyGal said...

LOL....I never thought I'd actually sit and read through a whole story about poo, but i must say I had to finish reading, I couldn't wait to see how it ....ummm...came out in the end !!

Great Blog !!

Scottish Toodler said...

You are truly a genius in some sick way I don't fully understand, but I agree with Chairbourne, only you could make a gargantuan bowel movement funny AND compare it to a bull rodeo!!!!! (Let's see if this actaully posts!! ;o)
Okay first one crashed, this is my second try...Number three...Number 4...

Sideshow said...

Dude, I had something similar happen during boot camp, only my story didn't have a happy ending.

Beo said...

Ahhh, well at least there was some pain mixed in with the pleasurable trip. The world is right again.:)

I'd love to know the estimated total of times a human deficates in a lifetime. Now that would be info.

coloradohurricane said...

getting stun by bees is pretty crappy.

Dirk the Feeble said...

It was worth reading the story for the payoff at the end: learning "William Shatnered" was a term for taking a dump.

the duck said...

Dude, I totally would have punched all of those bees in the face. Fuck bees.