Dear Jesus,
Hello, how are you? I'm fine, and I hope you are doing well also. My name is Mr. Shife and I live in Idaho. Wait, you already know that, right. You are like omnipotent or something. So, do I need to even write this letter? Hmmm, well what the hell. Ooops, can I say hell? I mean I say dirty words all the time and if you are like Ms. Cleo, you already know I say stuff like shit, cock, balls, fuck, etc. Maybe you need to give me a quick demonstration of your powers.
Whose mother did I have impure thoughts about in high school? And cue the Jeopardy music, ..... tick-tock. And Jesus, can I have your answer? Holy Crap, you are like a superhero and shit. I never told anyone that. Damn, you are the man. High Five to the J Man.
Anyway, I am getting off track here, but you knew that. So I have a question for you and since you are one cool dude, I mean you turned water into wine. God, that is awesome. Ooops, I did it again. Did you get mad when people use God's name in vain or is it an urban legend? Did you also see what I did there? I dropped a reference to the song that made Britney Spears famous. Seriously, what's up with that? I mean talk about throwing a dog a bone. You could have done much better. I think she kind of let you down.
Seriously, I need to wrap this up. I mean you are one busy guy, at least I assume you are. Do you have down time? I mean is there a better way to contact you? I have tried the prayer thing but evidently you were too busy to hear my prayer because, ummm, I don't know if you read the papers but the Cardinals are not going to win the World Series this year. You owe me one.
Alright, so the point of my letter is this. Sylvester Stallone is making another "Rocky" movie, what would Jesus do?

Your pal,

Mr. Shife


  1. I saw a bumper sticker a while back that said "What would Scooby Do?"

  2. Anonymous10/21/2005

    I wonder if Jesus has a blog?

  3. Anonymous10/21/2005

    you're one silly mother fucker !!!

  4. Anonymous10/21/2005

    What's up Mr. Shife? Thanks for the love, you are one cool cat. Don't worry about the blasphemy and the foul language, there are bigger things to worry about than saying shit.
    So Mr. Shife, what would I do? I wouldn't worry about it too much. I think everything is going to be fine. Thanks for writing me, and don't forget to take your vitamins.

    Peace out.
    Your Pal,


  5. Instead turning a water into Coca Cola and on kernal of PopCorn into enough to feed the whole audience, perhaps the big J-Dog would turn that Rocky movie into something watchable-oh and unique... Um hello? How long are we going to be riding this remake train Hollywood?

    PS: Hey Jesus! Word to your Mother.

  6. Nice! Next time can you throw in the Boilers in your letter? My friend use to tell people his WWJD stood for We Want Jack Daniels.

  7. Anonymous10/21/2005

    You know, for centuries now I feel like such a third wheel...people speak of the Holy Trinity but what they're really saying is "God, Jesus, and that other guy..."

    God this, Jesus that. Who needs this shit?

  8. Anonymous10/21/2005

    I told that layabout son of mine to smite that Stallone bastard good and hard before he got it into his head to make another Rocky movie. Did he listen? Bollocks did he.

  9. Poor Holy Spirit. You don't get any play. But it's kinda awkward and all when, you know, when you've got the creator and his kid to pray to. I'm sure you kind of turn out feeling like the KMart of the big guys. At least you can walk through walls and stuff, being a spirit and all.

    (am i going to go to hell for this?)

    -thanks Nuttyblonde, i still look like that 20 years later!

  10. Mrshife, I spoke with Jesus this morning and asked him to help me with a good response to your blog today. He said, "Just tell him I love him".
    As for unanswered prayers and baseball,, those Astro fans musta been out-praying us.

  11. Anonymous10/21/2005

    Dont Worry Mr.Shif i gotta felling that the Good guys (if you know baseball then you know who that is) r going to bring this one home to the south side... GO SOX
    P.S. Guess WHO

  12. Hey, next time you see Jesus ask him if he got my letter, because if he did he hasn't done shit about it.

  13. Jesus Christ, you guys are funny.

    Nice work, duck and fiona. You make your company proud.

    Phats, I will do what I can. Purdue needs to win so you can start blogging again. Poor Nutty is going crazy carrying that blog by herself.

    Sugarhigh, what can I say, the big guy likes me, and totolehero, thanks for not being offended.

    Vince, thanks for the jesus blog and now I can get some answers.

    Dashababy, tell Jesus word and mad love right back at him.

    Sideshow, that letter you wrote is hilarious.

    Peace out.

  14. I live in LA and have worked in "the industry" (please people, don't ask "which one" there's only one). Unfortunately, ever since Bruckheimer, reality tv, and Tom Cruise, God and the Devil have abandoned the film industry altogether. Obviously, it can only be the domain of uncreative ego maniacs and advertising and "product placement" people (Coming soon "Kleenex, The Movie".) ROCKY will no doubt be a giant mega smash hit. Sports, however, still belong to God and the bookmaker. Alas, there is no comfort for Cards fans this year. God's ways are dark and mysterious and rarely comforting.

  15. WWJD for a klondike bar ?

  16. I think you wrote a fine letter. I'm sure Jesus has a sense of humor.

    Case in point: Endless Rocky films. Sweet! (which I'm sure you'll be adding to your collection of DVD's too. Come on...you can admit it. We're all friends here. We won't point and laugh TOO much!!!)

  17. I gave up on Jesus...I switched to what would R. Kelly do?

    Now I am tempted by the fruit of another (and a brother!), Mr. Darius Rucker...

  18. LMAO...Oh Lord !! ooops I did it too !!...let me know if Jesus answers you because I've sent him a few letters myself and they came back "address unknown"...I think he's avoiding me *shrug*

  19. blasphemy never tasted so good..

    ur a farkin riot..


  20. Hey Mr. Shife ... just wanted you to know that I linked to you. I was frequently visiting your site from Sugar and Nicole and decided it was about time I went direct. Love your work (by the way, I'm a different Scarlett than the Scarlet you already link to). Kisses and blasphemy,

  21. Alright I don't think Jesus is a Purdue fan, because WWJD was make us turn the ball over 5 times and three led to scores D'oh! gonna be awhile before I can blog again ha

  22. why does blog jesus look like a cross from a pool-boy and mark harmon?

    throw in a cheesy mustache and i think you have a spice channel movie!

  23. Anonymous8/16/2006

    Keep up the good work
    » »


Post a Comment