Monday, October 03, 2005

Quincy, er, Ralph, flip flops and sweat pants

What the hell kind of title is that? Well, my friends, those would be the topics I am going to cover. I shall begin with Friday night. Mrs. Shife and I went out for dinner and a movie. We had a great dinner and I ate way too much. We went to the movie and my food baby apparently came equipped with a time machine because it went from the first trimester to breaking water in about 5 minutes. Sitting in the movie I just became completely uncomfortable. I seriously wanted to rip off my pants and enjoy the film in my panties. Mrs. Shife advised me this was not acceptable so I perservered and made it through the cinematic adventure. But the whole ordeal got me thinking, wouldn't it be awesome if they had vending machines with sweat pants? I mean I could have thrown down $20 and got myself a nice pair of a polyester/cotton blend sweats equipped with an elastic waist band. It would be so sweet. I would seriously have done cheers like this person if I would have had a pair of sweats available to myself during the movie. By the way, "Must Love Dogs" is a good flick, and John Cusack is a stud. Seriously, I am not gay but thanks for thinking that I was.

Next, I have perfected the catch and release move when wearing my flip flops. Occasionally when I take the fat basset for a walk a rogue pebble or stick will decide to call my flip flop home. When this happens, I can, in one fluid motion, kick off the infested flip flop, which sends the rogue particle back to the hellhole it crawled out of. Now the flip flop stays within my foot's gravitational pull and I am able to return my foot to its flip flop home without coming in contact with the street.

Finally, I was lying on the couch with the fat basset watching the remake of "The Longest Yard." He was nestled by my feet and looking like the furry little angel that he is. He got up and decided to come up and lay right next to me so we could spoon. And I am thinking to myself what a sweet boy. I am showering him with praise and then he looks at me and it is like he wants to tell me something. And then he opens up his mouth and pukes all over me.

Here is a picture of the canine vomiter.

Have a nice day.

21 comments:

totolehero said...

you're fucking hilarious !!!!
when i go for dinner with my family(we're known to eat a lot), i always wear my buffet pants (thai, fisherman pants) they are sweet, cute and adjustable, what more can you ask ??!!
i love you for thinking that john cusak is a stud !!! i think so too.. (and i'm heterosexual)(yeah.. you know what i mean..)

;)

Max said...

I'm excited because it is almost "sweat weather" which is my favorite time of the year. Seriously. What is better than getting home, off with the pants, on with the sweats, not doing a damn thing the rest of the night?

Nothing, that's what.

T. Leach said...

I've got a similar move I use when removing my underpants before lovemaking. (Beat) Ewwww! I thought I could get away with using that phrase. Now I've just made like your Bassett--all over myself.

Congrats to your Cardinals on their first win of the season. You must be overjoyed.

Fiona said...

Could have been worse... Quincy dog could have been having problems with the slouces at BOTH ends.

sc said...

That sounds like a good move, but I often use the lift and shake to remove the pebble from piercing the bottom of my foot. It may look a little odd but I can usually shake it out without loosing stride.

mrshife said...

Not only did the Cardinals get their first win but so did the college I graduated from, the University of Idaho Vandals. What the hell is going on? This means my other Cardinals will probably get swept by the Padres.

repip said...

Just wait until you have kids! You will be changing your baby's dipper thinking how cute he/she is when he/she has some explosive diarrhea all over the place. You will then think back to the dog days where you thought dog barf was bad!!! Oh' brother what is that smell...sweet peas and carrots!

Anonymous said...

Don't curse the Cardinals like that, the Padres don't stand a chance!!!

Blonde said...

You have a Bassett hound? I love you more then ever (well as much as I am allowed to love a married man ;).

Thanks making me laugh out loud...I needed it!

mrshife said...

The fat basset that is near and dear to my heart is Quincy. He was the subject of quite a few of my posts when I first started my blog so if you ever get bored you can always check out the archives.

Chairborne Stranger said...

ha ha, great post. Love the dog.
If you didn't see my comment back to you, I'm here for 365, until next summer.

LBseahag said...

Oh, my gawd....
I love your mind...
Vending machine sweats are the answer to the obesity problem the US is facing...

I am not gay but thanks for thinking i was was the most classic line i have ever read on blog...and yes, i did....i had to scroll back to verify you went out with Mrs Shife...not Mr...

dog puke is gnarly...its like egg white...omelettes, anyone?

Vince said...

shife, i was thinking about you while i watched the cardinals win.

(and the gay undertones continue to roll...)

Anti-Blogger said...

"Puking Dogs" is a great name for a rock band. Of course, to be hip, I would call it the "Pewking Dawgs".

coloradohurricane said...

Think the dual Idaho/Cardinal victory had anyhting to do with the rare eclipse in Europe ?

Phats said...

Dude you need to patten that idea for a sweats vending machine! Talking big money here.

You had a great weekend, Vandals, and Cards, geesh! AWESOME.

Dirk the Feeble said...

Ugh, I just read Cece's Blog about her kid shitting all over her house, and now I have to read about your dog puking on you? Good thing I had a light breakfast.

pitaa = word verification, and a tasty treat

cher said...

ah hahaha...i love puking stories. i really do. what's wrong with me???

Darius Torque said...

I think you should rename Quincy something like 'Chunder-Dome' or something else equally lame from the '80's.
PS What did your old man do in the military..
Your the man...

Darius

dashababy said...

Hahahhaa. That was so funny. Love your writing.

SugarHigh said...

the bad news:
thanks to you i need a new office chair
i just peed myself laughing so hard.

the good news:
i won't be needing that office chair because i just got fired for laughing so loudly and peeing myself at work.

what i've learned from this experience:
You rock!