Monday, November 07, 2005

Monday Morning News with Mr. Shife

I think I might be having a case of the Mondays, so I am going to borrow an idea. One of my favorite sites is fark.com, and thought this morning I will do my best to honor them.
Here are a few headlines I saw Sunday night while online, and my completely biased, subjective and not quite fair reaction to them.
  1. Phil Collins says he's open to Genesis reunion -- Umm, hi Phil, my name is Mr. Shife and I am the spokesperson for the world. We 100% percent do not care and are not open to it. Please continue to Sussudio and have a nice day. Honestly, I think Phil may have had too many pints celebrating Guy Fawkes Day.
  2. Attack on Ship Shows Pirates Emboldened -- Pirate attacks, sweet. I have something to fall back on if their current gig doesn't work out. I wonder what kind of benefits you get with the pirate's life.
  3. The Biomechanics of Breasts Sports New Bra -- I am going to kick my guidance counselor's ass. He never told me I could do this with a science degree. Oh, you are a dead man Mr. Reeser.
  4. Teenager facing charges he photocopied $20 bill -- I will give him some credit, if this shitty-looking counterfeit bill is going to work at one place it is the state fair.
  5. Customers Refuse To Leave Grocery Store On Fire -- Oh my God. You deserve to burn you idiots. I think your milk will go well with your third-degree burns.
  6. Jury Rules Against Woman in Genital Gluing -- But seriously isn't getting your junk super glued to your stomach and all the public humiliation worth more than 46 grand. And someone as stable as this lady probably has that kind of cash just lying around.
  7. 'Chicken Little' Can't Save Box Office -- But I can save you $10 and tell you to avoid this like a $2 Mexican hooker. To borrow the tagline from "Jarhead," another movie that came out this past weekend, Welcome to the suck.

16 comments:

angel, jr. said...

The "Pirates of Penzance (sp?)" ruined the whole tough guy pirate thing for me, as well as slutty chicks wearing pirate shirts on the first few pages of their Playboy or Hustler layout. And you're right, Phil Collins needs to retire both as a soloist and a group member.

Dirk the Feeble said...

A Genesis reunion? Nooooo!

This on top of Sly Stallone's announcement that he's going to be making Rocky VI and Rambo IV . . . I was so happy about being past these particular blemishes on human history . . .

Jon said...

I just think if you're going to be a pirate, even in the modern world, it's just wrong to use machine guns. Swords and cannons the the whole way on this one. Personally, I think that'd be scarier than machine guns.

T. Leach said...

I read the grocery store thing more, like, the customers refused to leave the store to bravely battle the blaze--with milk, bottled water, whatever they could find. Guess it's just me.

I also enjoyed Chicken Little. Oh my God. It IS me.

Vince said...

The benefit of being a pirate - endless booty calls. Har. Har.

Luke said...

Burn, baby, burn!

Chairborne Stranger said...

Ha ha, dude, you find the funniest shit! Sports bras and glued genitals, no shit, huh? Hey, RPG's are no joke-those suck! I saw a picture of an insurgent with an RPG and 4 or 5 extra rockets strapped to his back-that's a bad day.

cher said...

Teenager facing charges he photocopied $20 bill-the jig is up. this is how i pay my mortgage.

Max said...

You got to the pirate story before I did! YOU BASTARDS!

But seriously, why didn't I get the "study breasts for a living" memo? I don't even care if their benefits package is shitty.

DaMasta said...

*Whew* I thought you were going to say $7 Mexican hooker. I would have REALLY been pissed then.

And thank GOD I charge $8.50.

mrshife said...

Hmmm, I think everyone is actually working today or today's theme for my blog was really lame. It seemed like a good idea last night, but so did watching a horrible Matthew Broderick-Alec Baldwin movie called The Last Shot.

Steph said...

You are such a post whore Mrshife!! lmao.

I'm with you on the Phil collins thing. He should be retired and playing golf or something. People who buy tickets to this should be shot for encouraging him!

coloradohurricane said...

Please, for the sake of all that is good, no Genesis reunion tour Mr. Collins.

You took one of the best bands of the 70's, and turned into one of the 80's worst train wrecks.

At least Peter Gabriel had the decency to get out before you screwed it up.

LBseahag said...

what a cornicopia of delightful stories, sure to please everyone!

i especially liked the Phil Collins reunion news...anyone who actually admits they look like charlie brown has my vote...
stolen from my own blog: (I am a recovering pirate-aholic)

Hotty Pirate: Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?

MeLoveUMatey: Arrgh..How bout me scrape the barnacles off of you rudder?"

"Hotty Pirate: I’ve sailed the seven seas, and you’re the sleekest schooner I’ve ever sighted."

SugarHigh said...

so wait, I'm confused, is Chicken Little good or not?

your stories, as usual, made me LMAO.

mrshife said...

Not so good Sugar, but I think Mr. Leach liked it.