Monday Morning News with Mr. Shife

I think I might be having a case of the Mondays, so I am going to borrow an idea. One of my favorite sites is fark.com, and thought this morning I will do my best to honor them.
Here are a few headlines I saw Sunday night while online, and my completely biased, subjective and not quite fair reaction to them.

1. Phil Collins says he's open to Genesis reunion -- Umm, hi Phil, my name is Mr. Shife and I am the spokesperson for the world. We 100% percent do not care and are not open to it. Please continue to Sussudio and have a nice day. Honestly, I think Phil may have had too many pints celebrating Guy Fawkes Day.
2. Attack on Ship Shows Pirates Emboldened -- Pirate attacks, sweet. I have something to fall back on if their current gig doesn't work out. I wonder what kind of benefits you get with the pirate's life.
3. The Biomechanics of Breasts Sports New Bra -- I am going to kick my guidance counselor's ass. He never told me I could do this with a science degree. Oh, you are a dead man Mr. Reeser.
4. Teenager facing charges he photocopied $20 bill -- I will give him some credit, if this shitty-looking counterfeit bill is going to work at one place it is the state fair.
5. Customers Refuse To Leave Grocery Store On Fire -- Oh my God. You deserve to burn you idiots. I think your milk will go well with your third-degree burns.
6. Jury Rules Against Woman in Genital Gluing -- But seriously isn't getting your junk super glued to your stomach and all the public humiliation worth more than 46 grand. And someone as stable as this lady probably has that kind of cash just lying around.
7. 'Chicken Little' Can't Save Box Office -- But I can save you $10 and tell you to avoid this like a $2 Mexican hooker. To borrow the tagline from "Jarhead," another movie that came out this past weekend, Welcome to the suck.