Sunday, November 20, 2005

What is the worst thing ...

you have done to you one of your drunken friends?
OK, I will go first.
A college friend of ours had a party at his house during the summer. It was an all-day drunkfest, and about mid-afternoon some of the lightweights were falling like flies. So that is when the diabolical, drunk assholes starting looking for potential victims. Somebody needed a little lipstick and masscara, someone else had far too much hair on their face -- so off went the eyebrows, and others needed messages written in marker on their body like "Insert Cock Here" with an arrow pointing to their mouth or ass in case someone was confused and didn't know where to insert the cock. But the masterpiece was saved for the host of the party. He was getting ready to take a shower but passed out on the bathroom floor in his fruit of the looms. I surveyed the scene and knew this was a unique opportunity. I might never get a chance like this again and I had to make it my Mona Lisa. Now mind you, it is summer time and it gets hot in Boise, and the house had no air conditioning. So the dude is passed out in a room that has no windows and the door is shut, so let's just say it was a little warm in the bathroom. I run to the fridge looking for that one item, the one thing that will make me a legend and make this guy want to kill me. And there it is in the corner of the fridge. Ahh, how perfectly square and pastuerized you are . Behold, the power of cheese. I run back to the room, pull down the guys underoos and jam several pieces of Kraft cheese in his ass. There was no penetration, but I did make a nice cheese sandwich with his cheeks. And so my friend laid there for several hours as the cheese melted in his assy region. He woke up later that night with a nice surprise. And let's just say all he needed was some chips and he could have had himself a nice snack.
Anyway, the victim and I were never really close, but this did not help matters. He did get his nickname out of the incident, Nacho, and 50 years later we will still call him that.
I am an asshole, but it sure was funny.

26 comments:

Scarlett said...

I can only think of things I've done while I was drunk, that I am perhaps not too proud of, like vomitting over my dates armani pants, or doing the wild thing with a midget on a dare and oh yeah having sex with a really fat guy for the experience. Sorry!!

Jon said...

The "drunken makeover" was done to a guy I worked with at a TV station a few years back. He was a partier, and would often close down a bar at 2:30AM, and then go into work trashed at 3AM. He passed out in his car, the rest of the crew applied make-up, and he never came back in. He was fired the same day.

swedishnurse said...

I'm not sure that girls do mean things like that to each other, at least physically anyway. Mostly we just say mean things about the other person behind their back.

Steph said...

Mrshife that is GOLD! Will remember that for the next time one of my friends falls down drunk. It gets very hot down under...baahahahahaha no pun intended.

Deshaun said...

Oh, the classic "grill cheese ass sandwich"! Very nice my man...very nice! :-)

Phats said...

That is disgusting but it's also hilarious and pure genius my friend! I bow down to you.

I have done the usual my friends and I have shaved eyebrows, used duct tape on armpits, full on make up, all that jazz nothing quite as creative as yours

The Scarlett said...

Okay, I'm not the perpetrator but let's just say a 'friend' did this to a guy I knew in college that was pretty much an asshole.

The following note was left in the hands of the drunk guy:

Last night was amazing. You brought me places I didn't know existed. I can only hope that I brought you as much pleasure. I can't wait until we are together again, in each other's arms ready for another night of magic.
Kisses,
Greg

T. Leach said...

We wrote "insert cocks here" ... plural. Let's get the story straight. And there's nothing like a "Cleveland Steamer" on the chest in my opinion.

SuperSpyGal said...

Wow.....you guys are really cruel to each other...LOL...I don't think women do those things too much..we just freeze each other's bras at slumber parties..but I do know of some guy friends who'd take the one who was passed out and put him on the front lawn naked....LOL

totolehero said...

you're the bomb !!!
remind me to never get drunk with you.. ever !!!

DaMasta said...

The only thing I can remember doing to people who passed out early was the classic take-a-picture-of-the-victim-with-a-banana-next-their-mouth-and-a-dab-of-sour-cream-on-their-cheek gig.

Vince said...

Wtf?!? Cheese! That's the stuff legends are made of, I'm definitely impressed.

I guess the worst (as in bad, awful) thing I've ever done is had sex with my buddy's girlfriend while he was passed out drunk. It was all gravy though, because after I told him, he admitted he wanted to break up with her anyway.

Double score for us.

angel, jr. said...

That is frickin hilarious!!! Why didn't any of us ever think of that? And all thru college too--we always had American cheese in our fridge! Shit, you the MAN!!!!

Design Goddess said...

remind me never to pass out while you're around!

The only thing I remember is back in college, one girl was really, REALLY drunk. Her and her friends came into the common room of the floor and they told her it was her room. She kept questioning when did she get curtains and all those windows, but her great friends assured her that it was, indeed, her room. She believed it and I think went to sleep on the floor thinking it was her bed.

Father of 3 said...

The eyebrow shave usually means WAR. The cheese deal is classic.

cher said...

ya, i too don't have any drunk stories that I've done to other people. just emabarrassing ones of me in stupid drunken situations. BUT, I do have a processed cheese story of my own. In grade 8 I threw a slice of it on the ceiling of my highschool hallway and it was still there in grade 12. kinda cracked and hard, but still there.

Dirk the Feeble said...

I always love the shamings that end with someone getting a nickname like that out of it. Like no one understands why you would call him Nacho except people who were there, so you can call him that in public and it humiliates him without giving anything away.

Denise said...

OMG! I'm appalled that you would do such a thing! You ought to be ashamed of yourself!

Ha! Ha! Just kidding!

The worst thing I did was superglue someone's butt to the toilet they passed out on.

LBseahag said...

Nice...Shamings are best when dairy products are present...

I so wanna party with you guys...

I got shamed myself back in Sept-
drunk seahag

SugarHigh said...

OMG, i' will never think of cheese the same way again.
Brilliant!

dashababy said...

mrshife, this means you had to touch his butt cheeks in order to get the cheese in there. Penetration or not,,,,, there was some touching going on there. You musta been hammered dude.

Hmmm, I can't think of any pranks that I pulled on people when they were drunk/passed out other than taking pictures of them but one time in band camp,,, naw just kiddin'..... but one time my brother fell asleep, hes a deep sleeper, and me and my sister put Nair on his leg. So we were waiting for the hair to dissolve, watching him sleep on the floor and it musta itched cuz he scratched the area that had the Nair and then wiped his eyebrow. We werent sure if he got any in his eye so we had to wake him up but not before it removed a nice round patch of hair on his leg.
Well, you asked.

meghansdiscontent said...

Um yeah, so I'm satan.
A guy I had previously been dating dicked one of my friends and I over. She didn't know I was dating him, I didn't know she was dating him, and he didn't know we were friends.

Anywho . . .

He was at a party with Hillary one night and I happened to be there. Hillary and I both waited until he was SHITTY drunk and then took a beer bottle, emptied it out, peed in it, put it in the fridge until it was nice and frosty and then presented it to him.

He was so drunk he couldn't taste.
He drank a Corona bottle full of piss.

Gee, wonder why neither of us would kiss him . . or speak to him again?

LOVE your grilled cheese ass though. Classic!

Darius Torque said...

Wow....I'll never look at a cheese slice the same way again.

It's official, your a Sith Lord of practical jokes.

Not one to partake in dairy product himour.

However, in emulation of a classic aussie film, in my 20's I was part of a group that took a 'manky' sofa out of a share house and set fire to it on the front lawn.


(Wasn't my sofa)

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

One time I played "Kick the Bill".

Amazingly, we're still friends.

nicole said...

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, if I confess that I've never been drunk will ANYONE believe me??

I usually run from my drunken friends. It's one thing to be around them drunk when YOU'RE drunk, but since I'm always sober -- way too frightening.

So I'm a wuss.

Social Drunk said...

and i thought the teabag was the best... hands down. praise be to the king....