Seeking a New NFL team

Well I finally did something that I have talked about for years. I have sacked the Arizona Cardinals. Ha-ha, you get it. That is picture of someone about to sack the quarterback of the Cardinals. OK, I broke off all ties with the Cardinals. I sent them an e-mail telling them that I can no longer support them financially, spiritually, mentally and physically. I know that doesn't sound like the Mr. Shife you have to come to know and love, but let me explain.
I was born in St. Louis, and I love all the teams from St. Louis. In 1987, the owner of the Cardinals decided that St. Louis was not worthy and moved the team to the Arizona desert. Well being a rambunctious teenager more worried about scoring beers and getting laid, I really didn't care. Plus, I thought maybe a change of scenery might help the team. For those of you who don't know, the Cardinals are one of the worst teams in the league. I think they have had one winning record in the last 25 years. They epitomize shitty. I can't even win with them on my Playstation, maybe that is a knock against me.
So since they seem destined to suck, and life is too short, I am ready to move on. I figure I am entitled to one get out of NFL Hell card since they abandoned me and my hometown. So I sent the e-mail below to the remaining NFL teams looking for a new team to love. And I must pick wisely because this will be my team for life. Right now the frontrunners are the Bears, because I grew up watching and hearing about them from my Pops who is a big fan, and the Rams because they now call St. Louis home.

Dear NFL team,

Married, white male desperately seeks NFL team to share Sundays with. The team must be committed to winning and rewards its fans by putting a quality product on the field. Teams not interested in winning championships need not apply. I offer the team my loyalty, merchandise budget, and unyielding support through good times and bad. Are you interested? Please tell me why I should be your fan.


Mr. Shife
Football fan

P.S. I am no longer supporting the Arizona Cardinals and my divorce from the team is official as of today.


  1. I know nothing about sports...I just figured I would hang out in here, sports posts attract hot boys...

  2. Anonymous11/16/2005

    I dont Believe it and i wont Believe it... Noway you give up on that team. I have know you my whole life and i hear that same song and dance every year. Trust me when they do get good it will be worth the wait...(Chicago White Sox 88 years). OOO yeah my Cowboys are off limits so dont even think about it...

  3. I feel your pain. I support a football team in Australia that are named after Rabbits ( is shit you not) and they play about as well as Rabbits would if they could kick and tackle. Piss weak in other words.

    But i have a thing for the underdog. Or in this case underrabbit? And will stick by their sorry asses.

    Shame on you Shifey!

  4. I'd suggest one of our New York teams, but you'd probably want a team that actually WINS, huh???

  5. What happened to "for better or worse, richer or poorer, play-offs or side-lines"?

  6. Arizona actually has a football team? ;-)

  7. But see the point is the Cardinals abandoned me and my hometown. They thought they could find greener pastures elsewhere. So think about it from my end, if you favorite team decided to pick up and move to a new town, would you still stand behind them?

  8. Another way to look at it. You are in a relationship with someone for 15 years, and then they decide they want a younger, more attractive, wealthier friend and dump you. Would you still support them?

  9. Stick with the Cards. Annul this divorce. You won't regret it. And the word verification I just got said "Cdsinosvn" <---not really.

  10. I got nothing ... but I'm here to support you, Mr. Shife.

    That in no way make me an athletic supporter.

  11. Look at the bright side. AT least youre not a niners fan.

    And Albert got MVP this year. Yay!

  12. I'd say go for the Cleveland Browns, but it's that whole "winning" thing that wouldn't let the relationship work.

  13. Just don't ever EVER pick the Vikes. EVER.

  14. I sympathize with you Mr. Shife. Afterall, the Browns up and left Cleveland for Baltimore. (They're still talking about the conspiracy that a person in "high authority" told Art Modell to move the team.) However, we now have another replacement Browns team as well as a stadium (which I think was built just prior to the team leaving!), but it's just not the same.

    So, stay away from the Browns. They'll just end up breaking your heart in the end.

  15. Mr. Shife, please pull your allegiance from the Cardinals, if for no other reason than to have that team removed from Arizona. They don't deserve to have it.

    If you want to jump on a team that has ups, downs, and devoted fanbase, come over to the Chiefs. You can consider the rest of this year a "preseason" and then next year they will start fresh with a new coach and you can say you were "There from the beginning."

  16. There is a new penis photo on my blog Vince. I replaced the animated happy penis with one that is blowing off some steam.

  17. I hear Minnesota is trying unload a team.

  18. You can't promise undying loyalty to one franchise through a desperate act of disloyalty to another. Sorry, pal. Looks like you're going to kill Bill and Michael Bidwill.

  19. I know T. Leach, I have come to my senses. I am stuck with the bastards.

  20. LB -- You know only the hottest boys post here.

    Anon -- Just go play that Journey song.

    DT -- Well I am pretty sure I wasn't a Nazi, but thanks for thinking so highly of me in another life.

    Steph -- I have seen the error of my ways and reconsidered my hasty decision.

    SSG -- The Giants are kicking butt this year.

    Angel -- You sound like Mrs. Shife.

    DM -- You are a smart man.

    Fiona -- It is like deja vu.

    Armaedes -- I think I have a drinking problem because of the Cardinals.

    FO3 -- You are a wise man and I followed your advice.

    The Scarlett -- Thanks for the support. Your check is in the mail.

    DB -- Yes, the Pujols MVP award is nice. But at least the Niners have been to the Super Bowl.

    Jon -- This is going to sound really gay, but I could never like the Browns because they have hideous uniforms.

    Fiona -- Unless they are going on a cruise.

    DG -- I just can't get down with the Browns because of their unis.

    Nutty -- We do rock, but should I be offended that you called me Ms. Shife?

    Max -- I tried to pull out, but I just couldn't because I knew I would have a mess on my hands.

    Vince -- I already took care of your penis needs.

    Sarah -- Yes, the folks in Minnesota aren't real happy with their team. There are 10,000 lakes up there, the team was bound to go for a cruise some time.

    T. Leach -- Thank you again. You are my guiding light in the blogging darkness.

  21. I cannot believe what I miss when I am gone for a day!! Jeesh!

  22. Just don't become a Bronco fan. The are the most annoying people in the world, and still talk about Mr Ed (John Elway) as if he plays every Sunday.

  23. Will genuine interest in sports attract hot men?

  24. GO COLTS!!!

    I say BAG the NFL and you can jump on the Boilermaker Express Bandwagon, our tailgating kicks ass!

  25. Okay, I find it simply hilarious that you're BREAKING UP with a football team.

    This is probably setting a dangerous precedent, though. For instance, I think I've already broken up with "Desperate Housewives" as it has not a PRAYER of holding my attention this season. And as heartbreaking as it is, I'm close to divorcing "CSI:" because it's just become too damn dramatic for its own good.

    There, I've said it. I feel MUCH better now...


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