Wednesday, November 02, 2005

I touched myself

I almost forgot to mention the one-night stand I had the night of my Halloween party. Well, I was put down at about 1:30 in the morning, but my bladder decided it was time to get up a few hours later.
I stumbled into the bathroom and took care of business, and as I washed my hands I noticed myself was still wearing the Dorothy outfit. For those of you who have forgotten or tried to block it out, here is a reminder.
In my drunkenness, I began to get a little excited about how nice myself looked. I was saying all the right things to myself like how I never met anyone quite as beautiful as myself. I even used a terrible pickup line -- myself must be wearing space pants because myself's ass looks out of this world.
Myself blushed a little bit, but I was quickly reminded by myself that I needed to get back to bed. But I knew myself better than that and I was ready to make some magic happen with myself.
I told myself how great myself smelled. I told myself how wonderful I looked and that I could tell myself has been working out.
I told myself that I usually don't do these kind of things but I just felt myself and I were meant to be together on this very special night. I massaged myself gently.
I was saying all the right things to myself. The passion between I and myself could no longer be denied. I wanted myself like I wanted no other.
I had myself right where I wanted myself to be.
And I tore myself a new one.
And just as quickly as I seduced myself, I was gone.
Oh I promised myself that I would call, and I did. But now all I hear about is me, myself and I.
I am only interested in myself, not me. If I can't trust myself who can I trust? Maybe I can be alone with myself again, but right now I will just have to remember that special night I had with myself.


This confession brought to you by Punching the Clown Incorporated.

26 comments:

Steph said...

You kinkeh bastard!! haha love your work. Keep it up...geddit...keep it UP!! lolzzzzzzzz.

SuperSpyGal said...

ROFLMAOOOOOOOO..omg....that was hysterical...but one question??...would the "me, myself and I" part mean a threesome?? LOL

dorna! said...

The relationship's doomed. Myself's stepping out on Me? Already? Shocking!

angel, jr. said...

You made me thing of a Playboy cartoon that I had seen when I was about 10 years old. I remember sneaking a peak at my Father's playboy--and one of the cartoons had a Dorothy quivering in the corner and the Wicked Witch with a hugely drawn penis--the caption read "I'll get you my pretty". For some reason that helped make Dorothy one of my favorite fantasies.

Vince said...

Myself cannot be denied: it's one helluva lover. All the right moves at all the right times...

Max said...

Wow. I think yourself just made myself's stomach churn. Of course, the question now is:

Since your were with yourself while dressed as Dorothy, does that point to latent homosexual urges?

Just asking.

The Scarlett said...

I'm going to call your imagination Viagra for the brain. I was both disturbed and titillated. Your honesty is refreshing and disgusting. This all makes for one of the funniest posts I've ever read!

Atalanta said...

I dunno, if you're talking about me, myself, and I.... does that mean you had a threesome?

Great post :)

totolehero said...

this was classy shit !!!
loved it !!! i was giggling like a little girl in front of my monitor man !!!!

so, are you gonna call myself anytime soon ???

repip said...

It sounds like you just needed to "dance" with yourself that is. Screw chicks DUDE...you just need to dance! In this case screw yourself and dance with yourself!
(Dane Cook would be so proud!)

YOu're like a one man band:-)

T. Leach said...

Shife, this is the kind of work I've been expecting from you.

Dirk the Feeble said...

That was . . . surreal.

mrshife said...

Superspy and atalanta -- I think me, myself and I are getting together this weekend. Maybe watch some football, drink some beers and who knows where the day will take us.

Max -- I don't know, but I am willing to learn.

Scarlett -- I gotta keep you balanced out.

Totolehero -- I called myself a whore.

T. Leach -- I know I just looked at my last few posts and they have been kind of lame lately, but I thought this was a nice effort.

Fiona said...

I knew something was going on between you and yourself that night. The way you were hanging on yourself and making eyes... Talking about your lack of panties... It's about time you two got it on.

cher said...

I think myself was just using me

Chairborne Stranger said...

Great costume, man. Yes, please jump on that as soon as you can, too. Why put off today, you know?

Phats said...

This is hilarious!!

Not to mention love the Krusty the Clown punching bag, "k to the c"

Andraste said...

Truly...disturbing. In a good way.

I have a sister who is WAY TOO MUCH into The Wizard of Oz. I think she'd kill herself if she read this.

Scottish Toodler said...

YOu are seriously cracking me up!

Scottish Toodler said...

YOu are seriously cracking me up! I don't think your last posts have been lame! LOL I am just waiting for the apocalypse to begin!!! LMAO!!!!

LBseahag said...

If you were a girl, I would totally make out with you....


btw, send my kisses to the hottie guy at your party with the coconut bra...

mrshife said...

Fiona -- It just took the right amount of beers and a little country music to make love blossom right before your eyes.

Phats -- Krusty is the man, and I can't think of a better clown to punch.

CS -- If you need a pin-up girl ...

ST -- I am glad I can keep you laughing.

Andraste -- Please don't let your sister read this, I do not want to be responsible for her death.

LBseahag -- Your wish is my command.

DucatiMike said...

Haha...that's a good one. dirty dirty bastard.

jamwall said...

will yourself ever find you again?? i think yourself is misunderstood, but yourself seems to have the passion to know that you were the special and only one........for yourself.

i've always wanted to see you and yourself get together...

okay, what was i talking about?

Darius Torque said...

Just wrong Matt, just freakin' wrong!!!

That's it, I've decided...I would NEVER leave you alone with my goldfish, pets and Mrs in that order.


Who know's what freakin' scary shit you'd attempt with my back turned

...and you'd probably throw in some midgets and shit as well

Get some therapy man, seriously!!

Darius

SugarHigh said...

ROFLMAO! shife you are my hero.