What can we learn from Baywatch

I wish I could take credit for this, but I can't (I did add a few of my own). This was written by Eric Spitznagel and Brendan Baber, and is included in their book, Planet Baywatch: The Unofficial Guide To the New World Order.

Here's a list of things people around the world are learning about Americans by watching Baywatch.
1. American men and women spend 15 percent of their days running in slow motion along the beach.
2. Americans almost drown an average of two times each hour.
3. Despite the habit of breathing water, CPR always works and no one actually dies.
4. People in the U.S. look thoughtfully at the ocean for an average of 15 seconds after being told anything of any importance.
5. Americans never worry about getting enough to eat, but fat people are unreliable and sometimes evil.
6. When swimming in California, you are more likely to be attacked by jewel thieves or taken hostage by terrorists than you are to drown.
7. Most activity that takes place off the beach occurs in montages and lasts no longer than two minutes.
8. Although Americans, especially lifeguards, complain that they are poor, they all have expensive sports cars and luxurious homes.
9. Motorboats, unlike cars, will not talk back to David Hasselhoff.
10. All American woman have giant racks.
11. You will be irresistible to women if you have luscious chest hair and a snug pair of red trunks.
12. Acting skills are not a major requirement to be a TV star.
13. Everyone has deep, dark secrets. Everyone.
14. Ex-lifeguards are very bitter and cause nothing but trouble.
15. California is full of deserted islands, undiscovered caves, and modern-day pirates.

P.S. The pride and joy of the Shifley household turns 8 today. Happy Birthday Quincy dog!!!

Image hosted by Photobucket.com


  1. Happy Birthday to Quincy!!!

  2. WOW I am finding such an appreciation for the hoff man!

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY QUINCY!! My sister's dog is named Quincy too.

  3. Damn, I just seen David Hasselhoff in a scene from Dodgeball were he was coaching a German dodgeball team! The scene just popped up(on HBO family?!) while I was typing this comment! Crazy shit!!

    It seems "The Hoff" is everywhere now!! :-)

    Happy Birthday Quincy!!

  4. I hate to be a comment hog here, but I was talking with Seahag, and by any chance did you ever babysit her?

  5. Happy Birthday to that puke-machine....

  6. you nailed californians...

    thats hot...

  7. oh quincy you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind. Hey Quincy! Hey Quincy!

    I think this just may be my random comment on that poor girls blog tomorrow in quincy's honor. What do you think?

    i wish you could click to enlarge your photos, i can't decide if you have a goatie or not. and if you have a goatie, is it a fainting goatie?

  8. Happy Birthday Quincy!!!

    Give that doggie a birthday treat Mr. Shife!

    I also noticed that bathing suits never disappear into anyone's butt cracks on Baywatch.

  9. First off, Happy Birthday to Quincy!
    Doesn't everyone stare off into some distance when thinking pensively? All the major soap stars do it. Didn't Joey's character on Friends call it something like "smelling the air"?

  10. Dude, you're gonna get me fired! Every time my boss walks in, I'm looking at a web page of the Hoff.

    Happy Birthday to Quincy.

    And I need some help gettin' me one of those funny icons to go next to my name...any ideas?

  11. This post. This post right here. This is why I love you.

  12. Who knew what they learn and what is true can be so closely matched. *looks out to the ocean*

  13. Thanks a lot...I had a dream that Hoff was sniffing This Quincy's Balls

  14. Happy happy joy joy joy to Quincy!

    And to celebrate, why not fashion a Hasselhoff paper airplane! Go here to make one:

  15. Quincy: Rectal Examiner. (Da da da da duh duh)

    Dude, I meant no desrespect to the Hoff ...

  16. I love this pic of you and the Quincerella. He looks happy. I had a Basset named Cleo when I a kid.

  17. Tail wags and howls from Quincy to everyone who wished him a Happy Birthday.

    Phats -- Love the Hoff.

    Deshaun -- He is everywhere.

    Phats -- No, but we drank from the same Kool-Aid jar.

    LB -- It is always fun nailing Californians.

    Cher -- You should make that your random comment. And that picture is me without a goatee, but I currently have one and I do believe is not of the fainting variety.

    ME -- Trust me that dog gets plenty, he is spoiled rotten.

    Angel -- I like that, smelling the air.

    Toto -- No party just lots of belly rubs and a nice long walk. And I think you need to let the Hoff back into your life.

    FO3 -- Sorry. At least it is not Hoff porn.

    Max -- Thanks, man, you are the best.

    Luke -- Smell the air, smell the air.

    LB -- Take more sedatives.

    Scarlett -- Hoff planes are a must for any K9 birthday.

    T. Leach -- He is pretty good at it. And the Hoff still loves you, but he still thinks I am a homo.

    DB -- Thanks, he is a sweetie.

  18. Hey I just realized thru an email that Chike Okeafor plays for the cardinals! I am so a fan now.

  19. My deep dark secret is that I'm an undiscovered pirate living in a modern cave. My shallow, obvious secret is that I do not boast the enormous American rack you speak of.

  20. Hi, cute puppy!

    As for the rest, I'm an ex lifeguard and I'm not bitter.
    Oh shit, maybe I am.

  21. I used to watch Baywatch when I was overstimulated and needed to dull my senses...

    Happy Birfday to Quincy !!!!

  22. Did you bake a cake? Happy birfday Quincy.

  23. HAPPY B-DAY TO QUINCY!!! The fat bassett hound rocks!!! So did today's post!!!


Post a Comment