Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Thanks for not procreating

It's Wednesday and I am struggling to make it through the week. I thought I could use a little pick me up and since getting hammered at the office is out of the question, here is something almost as nice. Pick you favorite idiot. These are finalists from last year's Darwin Award, an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by removing themselves from it in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
So pick your favorite one and don't forget to vote.


#1 -- THE SNAKE CHARMER -- A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalised.

# 2 -- THE GAS MAN -- A 34 year old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2"tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward

#3 -- FULL MOON -- Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed.They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

#4 -- OCTODUMMY -- A 22 year old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle.Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground"Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

P.S. I have included a photo of octopus straps because I wasn't sure what they were and I thought someone else might also lack octopus strap knowledge.

#5 -- BALL BUSTER -- Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course.Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link.Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.

#6 -- FLAMER -- A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down killing both him and his sister.

# 7 -- GOT A LIGHT --Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion.The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

So pat yourself on the back for not being this dumb and enjoy the rest of your day.

19 comments:

Dick said...

All of them are equally horrible but I have to vote for the Ball Buster just because I cringe in horrror when I read that.

Vince said...

Is it heartless for me to laugh while reading the Ball Buster story?

mrshife said...

Nope, not as far as I am concerned. If you are that stupid, you deserve the laughter.

dashababy said...

Hey, I just wanted to say I enjoyed reading your blog. You're pretty funny. The snake story,,,ugh. At least he cooked it first.
I heard that story about the guys playing catch with the rattlesnake years ago but the other stories,,,wow. What a buncha idiots.
I think its very cool that you did the invitations for the Halloween party.

Max said...

Seriously, I feel sick. That guy tried to do what to his what now? No thanks.

The most disturbing one, in my mind, is the guy who died while whiffing his own ass. Yeesh.

sc said...

I'm going with the ball buster story, mainly because WHO THE FUCK WOULD DO THAT and secondly because it gives new meaning to a Dirty Sanchez.

mrshife said...

Dirty Sanchez ... damn you sc, that is awesome and the perfect headline for that little story.

Andraste said...

Gotta say...the guy who suffocated on his own farts makes me want to call my brother and make sure he's always got a window open.

mrshife said...

The ball buster aka Dirty Sanchez is getting my vote with the Gas Man coming in a close second.

Kirk Bradford Myers said...

Since the guy who dunked his groceries into the ball washer did not die, he quite unfortunately is disqualitified from the running, stupid as this was. At least one good thing came of it...he now no longwer has the ability to pollute the Earth with his offspring, thus helping to stifule the spread of stupidity disease...

The guy who deliberately suffocated himself with his own farts, the people who bared their asses for all the passengers of British Airways to see, and the dude who turned himself into the human vomiting flame thrower at least had halfway productive purposes in mind...to have an orgasm, to get some reall ha-has, and to get drunk. Can't damn men with a mission...

Some people just don't know that snakebites cause death and that flicking your Bic in a warehouse full of gas fumes causes it to blow up, because their equally stupid mothers and fathers never told them...

But people DO know not to go bungee jumping with octopus straps! And they DO know that the cord has to be shorter than the height of the goddamned bridge!! And they DO know to perform their perverse little circus act under some sort of supervison! And they DO know to do their research on the above matters before making the choice to act like a friggin' moron! Wank boy here knew none of these things. Amazingly, since there was no one there, he was not even doing this to impress his friends, he was just doing it because he wanted to see what it was like. Imagine if you have to tell God you wasted the last thought you ever had in your life on how DUMB you were as you saw the ground rushing up to meet you at seventy miles per hour so it could slap you in the face and tell you what a lummox you are.

Therefore, Number 4 wins the award hands down in my book. Sorry for the long windedness.

On an off-note...I just got the KIX pictures up! Have had much to do...I know you've been waiting for the written review, it's coming. Meanwhile, here are the photos that I took!

Kudos!

Anonymous said...

First, I have to vote for the dumb ass that dangled his goodies in the ball washer. A close second place is the Fart Guy.

I do want to point something out to me that seems sort of obvious - all of these idiots are MEN!!! That kind of tells me something.

mrshife said...

We are a special breed aren't we?

Scarlett said...

Considering Farting is a subject I have just embraced I have to vote for the fart guy. I guess he was just being open and honest about it. I am sure we all take a whiff at our own farts, just to see what flavour it is, right?

coloradohurricane said...

The ball washer wins hands down.

Swanny said...

Ball buster hurt me the most. Gas man just made me laugh hysterically though. Yeah, I'm a sick bastard!

LBseahag said...

I am so gonna have me a flamer this weekend...but i am gonna make it top shelf, and use half n half and motor oil....and a little paper funnel like an umbrella

totolehero said...

i feel horrible for this poor gas man, although he is a total idiot... he was just trying to have a good time... maybe he doesn't have cable.. hahaha
the flamer... makes me proud to be canadian !!!

T. Leach said...

That Kirk Bradford Myers guy ... He never has anything to say.

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