Friday, September 16, 2005

24 hours

I had an interesting day yesterday so I thought I would give you a recap.
  • First, thank you all for your concern regarding my itchy asshole. I appreciate the advice and I am glad to report that the itchies and my asshole are no longer friends.
  • You always take a risk when you try out a new Chinese restaurant especially a Chinese buffet. But here is a clue that you won't be returning to this eating establishment, the moment the food touches your lips you crap your pants.
  • I am going for the trifecta here when it comes to my assy region so bear with me. I have written before about the supplements that I am taking before on my blog and one of the side effects is a complete hiney meltdown. Lately things have been good so there haven't been any mad dashes to the toilet during my workout. But last night was a different story. I am on the treadmill running and rocking out to Green Day with Bob the Ipod when the volcano inside my ass decides to go active. The grumblings from the belly and the tidal wave of the cha chas heading directly for the Southern border. It's a jail break. We are going to have an eruption in 5, 4, 3, .... I override the asscano and clinch the cheeks together. It is like a scene from a heist movie when the security system becomes active and these huge ginormous walls come closing down to trap everything inside. I calmly excuse myself from the treadmill and head to the lavatroy, which is located in the men's locker room. As soon as I enter the room of lockers I am greeted by a naked 90-year-old man toweling off his cash and prizes. I am hysterically blinded for a brief moment as I have seen Skeletor's bucket of yuck. Yea, that's right I checked out Grandpa's package. I need to know what kind of situation I will be facing when I enter the golden years. Anyway, I make my way to the toilet and blast a portal to hell.
    Yes it is time to take a new supplement.
  • Finally, my beloved basset, Quincy, has been head butting my nuts lately. I don't know if he thinks they are a pinata or if he is playing a twisted version of human battleship with me, but he has scored two direct hits on my destroyer. And I can't really return the favor because his twins have been lost at sea for many years now.

    Have a great weekend.

Mitch: I've had a hell of a day and even worse week. And all I want to do is get some fucking sleep.
Beanie: Whoa. Whoa. Why the F-ing? Why in front of the kid? All ya gotta do is say "earmuffs" to him, and you can say "Fuck, shit, bitch."
Frank: Cock. Balls.
Beanie: I'm just trying to make a point, Frank. You don't have to celebrate it.

10 comments:

Vince said...

Dude, I wish my shits were that exciting. The best I get is the occasional floater that refuses to flush.

Also, sketchy Chinese buffets are the best. My test as to whether or not I will try a new one is that if it costs more than $6.50, it's not worth my skeez. Cat meat all the way.

Fiona. said...

I've heard that when you get older your cash and prizes are more apt to stick to your thigh and want to leave your situation. Perhaps Quincy is just trying to expedite the process? Or he's trying to knock them back into place. I don't know.
You know, you should escalate this to HR.

mrshife said...

Vince -- Being a married man, life isn't as exciting on the farm so sometimes my bowel movements are all I got.

Sydney said...

ROFL! I love the way Fiona phrased that... "cash and prizes" LOL!

Anyway, yeah, I've had ummm... problems of my own the past few months. Nobody knows why. On the plus side, I NEVER have to diet anymore. I stay right around 120 lbs and I'm 5'5" On the ummm... downside, bottomside? Its a huge pain in the ass. Well, intestines to be more exact. I use a medication that works pretty well when I have problems called (this is the generic name) clidinium/cdp. The cool thing about it is that it has some kind of tranquilizer in with it. So it also makes you feel way relaxed at the same time as its helping with the squirts. Not a bad deal.

alli-babe said...

LMAO @ ..Yea, that's right I checked out Grandpa's package. I need to know what kind of situation I will be facing when I enter the golden years....

Your hilarious...great post...been reading your others...least yoru concistent...hahaha

LBseahag said...

Hitting a pinata that resebles summer wheatly...and its yer balls, dude..

and your dog is next...

Fuck. Idaho is more fuct up than I thought...

LBseahag said...

i just re-read that and realized David Spade is speaking for me this evening...

Cindy said...

... all I can say is, man, you have a way with words...lol.

coloradohurricane said...

I myself have had a few close calls. A week ago, I was busy at work, realized that it was going to happen really quickly, and started unzipping on the hallway to the restroom. Somehow I managed to run to the commode, pull the pants and underwear down just in time, and sit all in one motion in a way that would make a figure skater jealous of my technique.

Kirk Bradford Myers said...

Man, that thing you wrote about your bout with diarrhea has got to be the funniest damned thing I have read in a long time! LMFAO!!!

I love Chinese food myself, and have long since learned that bouts with the Hershey squirts, unfortunately, go with the territory. Such is the price we lovers of foriegn cuisine must pay. :)

Also, may I recommend a jock strap to protect your cash and prizes from said basset hound.

Take care, and keep bloggin' 'way!


--- Kirk Bradford Myers ---


"It's not over until the fat lady accidentally steps off the edge of stage and falls into the kettle drums."