New Year's Resolutions

on
Fuck that.
I am not resolving to do something this year.
Hell no.
I am taking it a step further and going to make New Year's Promises.
I hereby decree that I will not do these 10 things in 2006.
  1. I will not stop swearing.
  2. I will not stop drinking beer.
  3. I will not expose my precious sight and remaining brain cells to "Dancing With The Stars" or "Skating With Celebrities."
  4. I will not stop talking about midgets. Don't worry folks I am not drunk; I am consciously making the decision to speak of the little people.
  5. I will not eat pieces of shit for breakfast.
  6. I will not give anyone a Cleveland steamer.
  7. I will not train Quincy to compete in the Iditarod Great Sled Race.
  8. I will not shop at Wal-Mart.
  9. I will not perform puppetry of the penis.
  10. I will not join a band called Fat, Horny, Black and Joe or Testicular Sound Express.

Comments

  1. Lena1/04/2006

    Your New Year's promises are much better than my New Year's resolution!

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  2. James1/04/2006

    I'm not sure what that last guy was talking about, but how are you going to make it an entire year without eating any shit? And resist the urge to perform "puppetry of the penis"?!?! You have rock solid resolve my friend. Love your place man. When is Hasselhoff week coming back around?

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  3. The Scarlett1/04/2006

    My late mother-in-law had a thing about midgets. If she saw one, she'd rub the midget on the head for good luck. Seriously, she believed she had to do this. I once saw an African American, albino little person at the mall near her house and I just marveled at what a good fortune payday that would have been. I don't, however, know what she would have made of Testicular Sound Express (TSE).

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  4. JM1/04/2006

    Good resolutions!

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  5. T. Leach1/04/2006

    Come on. Live a little.

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  6. LBseahag1/04/2006

    There. that's more like it...

    you always manage to redeem yourself...

    what is a Clevelend Steamer, or do I really want to know?

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  7. Father of 31/04/2006

    What is a Cleveland Steamer? Is it the same as a Cincinnati Bowtie? (I don't know what either of these are.) (Should I google these termes while at work?)
    (Can you give me a good excuse to tell the boss why I looked these up?) (Sorry about all these parentheses!)

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  8. dorna!1/04/2006

    Excellent start. Of course you're now obligated to keep us updated on how sucessful you are in keeping those promises. Personally I'm not optimistic about your ability to resist the awesomeness that is "Dancing With The Stars".

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  9. missy1/04/2006

    awww.. shame about the puppetry of the penis!

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  10. sc1/04/2006

    good on you, new years resolutions suck, hope you keep your promises!

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  11. SuperSpyGal1/04/2006

    Oh good, I thought I was out of the loop because I had no clue what a Cleveland Steamer was either.....

    I like the rest of your promises, this way you will never set yourself up for failure !!

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  12. Luke1/04/2006

    I'm relieved that you've cleared that up. Some days I worry that you may just in fact break down and join a band named Testicular Express...

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  13. Design Goddess1/04/2006

    Those all sound like mighty fine promises.

    Over the holiday weekend I introduced my friend's 4 yr-old daughter to the wonderment that is Knight Rider....she loved it!

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  14. Mr. Shife1/04/2006

    For those of you curious, I will let the fine folks at Wikipedia tell you exactly what a Cleveland steamer is, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cleveland_steamer.

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  15. mo**1/04/2006

    Wonderful!
    I should do the same..or is it too late? I was too drunk on new years to even realise that taking resolutions should occur.

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  16. Jon1/04/2006

    Shame. Fat, Horney, Black and Joe was going to be huge.

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  17. Matt S.1/04/2006

    My New Years resolutions:

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  18. cher1/04/2006

    I will not stop reading your blog.

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  19. SuperSpyGal1/04/2006

    OMG.....GROSS !!!!!!!

    That is just SO wrong !! LOL

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  20. Nicole1/04/2006

    I had SUCH high hopes for you in 2006. This list just killed ALL of them!!!

    Great job, Shife. :)

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  21. Big Mama1/04/2006

    OH MY GOD!!! I JUST FOUND OUT WHAT A CLEVELAND STEAMER IS AND I REALLY DID NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT!!!

    Ugh! and I just ate! *barf* LOL!!! Sounds like you got your "shit" together this non-resolution season. Can't wait to see what the new year brings!

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  22. Big Mama1/04/2006

    ...Oh, and we really wanted to see those puppet-penis-pics too!!!
    bummer...

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  23. Father of 31/05/2006

    Q: What is one millisecond? A: How long it would take my wife to throw me and all of my stuff out of the house if I ever suggested trying a Cleveland Steamer.

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  24. jamwall1/06/2006

    i already do puppetry of the penis on myself for free. maybe i should charge admission..

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  25. Anonymous1/06/2006

    Cleveland Steamer? Um. Ew.

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  26. Scottish Toodler1/09/2006

    LMAO!!!!

    ReplyDelete

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