I am not resolving to do something this year.
I am taking it a step further and going to make New Year's Promises.
I hereby decree that I will not do these 10 things in 2006.
- I will not stop swearing.
- I will not stop drinking beer.
- I will not expose my precious sight and remaining brain cells to "Dancing With The Stars" or "Skating With Celebrities."
- I will not stop talking about midgets. Don't worry folks I am not drunk; I am consciously making the decision to speak of the little people.
- I will not eat pieces of shit for breakfast.
- I will not give anyone a Cleveland steamer.
- I will not train Quincy to compete in the Iditarod Great Sled Race.
- I will not shop at Wal-Mart.
- I will not perform puppetry of the penis.
- I will not join a band called Fat, Horny, Black and Joe or Testicular Sound Express.