Thursday, January 26, 2006

At the movies with the Dumb, White Guy

In case you are new to this feature on the Dumb, White Guy channel, it has been established that Hollywood’s agenda for January is to dump as much cinematic garbage into our laps as possible. Actually, not everything was shitty. “Hoodwinked” and “Underworld” were better than advertised, but everything else licked gopher balls.
And as luck would have it, it appears that two of the biggest turds are being released this week. So let’s rejoice in the fact that next week is February and hopefully there are some good flicks in the pipeline.

Annapolis
A young man from the wrong side of the tracks is accepted to the Naval Academy in Annapolis. Gee I wonder how many braniacs worked together to come up with the title of this movie.
I guess the title “A Really Shitty Version of An Officer and A Gentleman” is hard to market to the masses.

I think I would rather jam gerbils up my ass with Richard Gere than see this movie.

Big Momma’s House 2
Remember when Martin Lawrence was funny? Me either.
Lawrence is back undercover as an oversized grandmother and this time around he …. do you really care? It is hard to believe we had to wait more than 5 years for the sequel. Man how did I survive. The only thing funny about this movie is that people will actually pay good money to see it.

I feel a case of Déjà vu coming on. I think I would rather jam gerbils up my ass with Richard Gere than see this movie.

Nanny McPhee
A recently widowed father of seven hires a magical but tough nanny to watch over his unruly kids. Emma Thompson really throws on the make-up in this film. She is looking nasty. You can’t drink that pretty. Not even Jagrmeister will do the job. But enough about my fantasies, this a family comedy. The tagline says “You’ll Learn to Love Her, Warts and All,” but I’m guessing Nanny is not going to get much love at all. Well maybe if she hires an escort, but I think the escort would need a lot of cash or maybe stock options. Seriously she is scary looking.

Oh why not. I think I would rather jam gerbils up my ass with Richard Gere than see this movie.

Have a great weekend.


P.S. My take on "Lost."
I thought the last episode was kind of lame and I had a hard time getting into it. I just I am not fanatical enough to see all of the so-called clues but it didn't seem like much happened. I am mostly pissed because we wait have to wait another 2 weeks for a new episode. So let's see, there was a 5 week break, followed by 3 new episodes, and now another break. Hmmm, I have no idea why people get upset with this show.

31 comments:

Denise said...

I'm curious....what's your take on Charlie & The Chocolate Factory?

Scottish Toodler said...

I love this new feature, but I am sorry for all the gerbils up your butt-- or was that Richies ass??? Anyhow, as far as ANNOPOLIS goes I am a total chick. I will be paying the full nine bucks and watching it with the female equivalent of a hard on...sorry...men in uniform...

angel, jr. said...

This is the very reason I don't go to the movies and stay at home jamming things up my ass.

missy said...

I don't watch crappy films in the cinema but I do rent some of them ;-)

They're great for multi-tasking!

nicole said...

I'm definitely relieved to hear that "Underworld" DIDN'T suck. I was so afraid that it would be a letdown compared to the first one.

Is it just me or did "Nanny McPhee" kinda show up out of nowhere...?

Blonde said...

I saw a private screening of Annapolis and it sucks donkey balls. The boxing scenes were good and some of it was filmed in Philly. Otherwise, b-0-r-i-n-g.

Shoe Diva said...

Chick Meat of the Week is up for ya

The Reverend Jon Boles said...

Nanny McPhee must be the story of what happened after graduation to that ugly girl in high school that none of the guys would do.

Well, that's just how her pic looks. No wonder kids are fucked up these days, she's fuckin' scary!

Design Goddess said...

Lost did suck last night. I kept flipping back and forth from it to Veronica Mars...yeah I know. Cheesy, but better than Lost!

SuperSpyGal said...

At first I wondered why someone would hire a nanny that looked like that, it would scare the kids !!...then I thought about it and realized... Yesssss, it WOULD scare the kids..genius !!

Steph said...

I will never have to watch a crap movie again thanks to you Shifey!

She said...

I'm not impressed with anything out in the theater this week. I'll probably just go shopping instead. I never liked Martin Lawrence. At best he irritates me, at worst he's Big Mamma.

Sideshow said...

They keep toting Nanny McFee as the new Mary Poppins.

It's Mary Poppins, except:

It isn't a musical.
It has a PG-13 rating, not even close to G (adult themes and language).

Maybe it should be billed as "The closest thing you will get to Mary Poppins this year."

The Reverend Jon Boles said...

I might go see "Syriana" tomorrow.
Again.
For a third time.
Since little else playing here has any brain power backing it.

coloradohurricane said...

Anyone seen the gay cowboy movie ?

The Reverend Jon Boles said...

I refuse to see the gay cowboy movie.

Not from homophobia, but because I hate love stories, straight or skewed. Gay, hetero: if it's romance, it's annoying.

The only good love films are sold at x-Mart. Simple fact of life.

Darius Torque said...

Underworld...who would you go for?? The 'Lychens' or 'The Vamps'
Your Lychens are your bog standard 'Bogans' (Trailer Park in Yank Chav in English) -DB's, Greasy Biker Hair, Jack Daniels, Metallica TShirts, Packet of Winfield Blue der the arm of the TSirt. Your Vamps are yuppie Chardonnay Swillin' SUV drivin' OC watchin' Uber WASP's.

So who do you root for? Me, my heart goes out for the Lychen's, but I'd rather socialise with the Vamps (always had a thing for depraved deviant sex crazed Goth chicks).

Remember in the first film when that vamp started wipping a Lychen with a silver whip, just loved it when he bit off the vamps deceased head and chewed it up - regenerate that!!

Oh, and Matt, have you actually got permission from the aforesaid gerbils??? In writing? In triplicate??

David said...

While searching for as seen on tv smart spin I just have not had the best search results. Maybe I need to create my own blog and let others post so I can get better info on as seen on tv smart spin.

Sophie T. Mishap said...

Charlie is ugly. Why is he still even on the show?

Only pretty people belong on that island. It's just cruel to keep the ugly, non-supermodels around.

Blonde said...

ColoradoHurricane-- Brokeback Mountain was a fabulous movie. It really was.

Nanny McPhee is the kind of nanny all women want because their husband obviously not going to bang her. No blow jobs with those teeth either.

The Scarlett said...

Saw Brokeback. It didn't suck. No gerbils. There was implied stuff up the ass. A man comfortable in his masculinity could see it with his wife. Not a good 'with your parents' flick or a 'first date' film.

the_mrs said...

Mr. Shife, the show ended with Jack talking about training an army! That's not excitment for ya'?

Ok, yeah, that episode wasn't as good as others. But don't be a hater. :D

mrshife said...

The_Mrs. -- That episode was 2 weeks ago. I am referring to the most recent one where the episode focused on Charlie.

Dirk the Feeble said...

And here I thought Annapolis would be good because it boasts the casting of cinema heavyweight James Franco, the guy who was in Spider-Man for like 10 minutes.

Underworld 2 was not so good, some of the special effects were quite bad, but it was actually a lot better than I expected.

none - ya said...

Drinking people pretty is an artform I have mastered.

Phats said...

I guess if I had to choose I would go with Annapolis, but I don't really go to movies anymore too damn busy :(

Luke said...

Uhh.. angel.. why are you jamming things up your ass?

cranberry said...

i full agree about Lost. when i have energy i can think of crazy conspiracy theories and clues but sometimes i just want entertainment and clues about the 'Others'.

cranberry said...

ps - david has a good idea going on there.




j/k

DaMasta said...

I thought Dick was into Hamsters?

LBseahag said...

Bib Momma kicks ass....

When its free, on cable...heh heh