Thursday, January 19, 2006

At the movies with the Dumb, White Guy

Wouldn’t you rather talk about Lost?
Alright fine, have it your way.
Well here is the second installment of “At the Movies with the Dumb, White Guy,” and I am pretty sure I picked the wrong month to start this feature.
Talk about suck, the only redeeming feature about any of the movies being released this week is Kate Beckinsale in her skin-tight leather outfit.
So let’s start there.

“Underworld: Evolution”
This is a sequel to “Underworld,” which I actually enjoyed.
Maybe I enjoyed it because Kate doesn’t look too shabby in those fantabulous outfits. It sucks that Mrs. Shife had to find out about my Kate crush on my blog. Maybe she won’t read today and my secret will remain a secret.
I think I have better luck finding gold nuggets in my crap.
OK, back to the movie.
In case you care, it is round two of the vampire-vs.-werewolf battle to the death.
The only reason to see this is because it is rated R which means there might be some sexuality/nudity which means Kate might be naked.

I am so sleeping on the couch this weekend.

“The New World”
In 1607, a crew of English explorers lands in North America. On board is a
rebellious man sentenced to hang, John Smith, played by Colin Farrell. As soon as they drop anchor, the crew discovers that the land is inhabited by a complex empire of native tribes, ruled by the chieftain. Blah, blah, blah.
This baby clocks in at 150 minutes. Wouldn’t you rather do something else with your life? Seriously you can not get those minutes back.

I am more interested in Colin’s sex tapes.

“End of the Spear”
A savage killer from a remote Amazon tribe becomes grandfather to the grandchildren of the North American man he killed.
Doesn’t this sound like the perfect family movie?
Plus that title works better as some fancy porno.

I will be on the couch watching Colin’s sex tapes.


Have a lovely weekend.



P.S. In case anyone wondered.
I remembered where I heard that lovely little phrase in yesterday's post. It was a line in the movie, Blade: Trinity, spoken by Mr. Van Wilder himself, Ryan Reynolds.

30 comments:

Blonde said...

I have seen the Colin Farrel sex tape. Eh...as hot as he is and she is, the tape is ok. I have had hotter sex then that.

Design Goddess said...

At least you'll have something to watch before going to sleep on the couch! :)

Scottish Toodler said...

I LOVE this new feature!!!! My old man SLEPT through a good portion of Underworld!!!! I keep teasing him that we are going to HAVE to go see it!!! BTW, I know a lot of chicks who have a crush on Kate Beckinsale (we forgive her for Pearl Harbour). Maybe your wife does too?? Anyhow, she is in a great movie you could rent instead-- it has Aidan Quinn so the Mrs will have some beefcake-- I think it is called The Haunted and it is really good! (Do you at least have a comfy couch???)

nicole said...

I really liked Underworld and am FEVERISHLY hoping that the second installment is equally good if not better. But I'll probably have a better chance of finding gold nuggets in your poop...

The Scarlett said...

I don't get the Colin Farrell entity. You know just by looking at him that there is a cloud of stink hanging over him. Why do some women find him hot? All I can guess is that they want to fix him.

We're going to the movies this weekend and I know I'm doomed to watch something mediocre.

Cupcake said...

Oh I am soooo going to see Underworld: Evolution! I heard the soundtrack the other day and it ROX!
I love vampires...... Mr. Shife, we need your blood! heh

I'll wait for the others to come out on video. Speaking of the Others... can't we talk about Lost?

missy said...

You'd love Lord of War though!

The Reverend Jon Boles said...

I didn't know that there was a plot in the first Underworld. All I remember was that black suit.

If the screening was up to me, it'd be nothing but tight leather posterior. All that fighting and vampire shit---who cares?

Steph said...

None of these movies are out in OZ yet. But now i can quote you and pretend i saw them before anyone else ;)

T. Leach said...

That would make a nice porn title. "End of the Spear" is an actual, true story.

Vince said...

There's nothing wrong with a little couch crashing every now and then. Say it loud, and say it proud: Kate Beckinsale is HOTT.

Anonymous said...

I'm seeing Final Destination this weekend. Those movies never get old.

angel, jr. said...

I don't even want to watch the sex tapes.

She said...

Colin Farrell isn't that attractive. Not on my "top 20 guys I'd gladly cheat on my husband with, and it doesn't count because they are on the list" list. I am SO going to go see Underworld. Preferably tonight. I love vampire movies, and this one sucks far less than Queen of the Damned, which, I am ashamed to say, I saw in the theater as well.

SugarHigh said...

as much as I LOVE Kate, I will again be spending my $$$ on copious amounts of alchohal instead of going to the theater.
BTW, thank you for mentioning Ryan Reynolds, he is THE man. I want to hump something now...oh look, this chair leg will do...

Anti-Blogger said...

Did you use the words 'Kate' and 'Naked' in the same sentence?

*salivating like the man I am*

the duck said...

Ryan Reynolds is the only thing that made that piece of garbage even remotely entertaining. I don't remember that particular pearl of wisdom, but who can blame me really.

angel, jr. said...

By the way, are you making your blog posts a day behind, instead of posting them the night before?

mrshife said...

Blonde -- I believe you.

DG -- Mrs. Shife might take away my TV privileges if she is really mad.

ST -- I am glad you like it. I am going to have to look up that movie you talked about.

Nicole -- Let me know how it is. I hope it is good as well.

Scarlett -- I hope you find something that isn't too terrible.

Cupcake -- We can talk about Lost anytime you want.

NM -- I am going to watch it tonight.

Rev -- I like your thinking.

Steph -- You are going to be so popular quoting me and stuff.

T. Leach -- It is true indeed. But I still think I would rather see the porn.

Vince -- She is smokin' and I forgive her for Pearl Harbor.

Anon -- Literally they do get old; it is just a fact of life. But figuratively they never ever get old.

Angel -- I heard from a good source that you aren't missing much.

Ann -- He isn't on my list either.

Sugar -- You are funny. Whenever I put a picture of Ryan Reynolds on my leg, my basset hound goes crazy.

AB -- Naked Kate. It is almost too much to fathom. I think it would be an excellent name for a band as well.

Duck -- I do enjoy seeing him in motion pictures and television projects.

Angel -- I was posting them late at night and then just putting the next day's date on there. But I have been posting right after work lately so I didn't want to cheat. I just try to do one post a day, Monday through Friday, but this week was Sunday through Thursday.

LBseahag said...

You forgot this one!

Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World
It opens today. Albert Brooks.

But not as good as naked Kate...

mrshife said...

Naked Kate > Comedy by Albert Brooks.

Yes, that is definitely a no-brainer.

Phats said...

Hmm I haven't been to the movies since the 90's! Although I wouldn't rather talk about about Lost either, not a fan. interesting selections

SuperSpyGal said...

I've never heard of these movies, but they way you're describing them....perhaps that's a good thing !

Luke said...

Thanks for this informative yet convincing review of relatively mediocre movies. Though I think you spoiler Evolution for me. I assumed the first movie ended with one side winning! Thanks! Sheeesh.

But seriously. Sex tapes? Do we need to see famous people having sex now?

wmy said...

I am not even gonna attempt the movies this month...they all suck...but I still love reading your thoughts on them!LOL

Tina said...

Cool feature...so which ones have you seen so far, any? Tks for the review! Sorry to hear about the couch thing..hehe :)

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