At the movies with the Dumb, White Guy

Wouldn’t you rather talk about Lost?
Alright fine, have it your way.
Well here is the second installment of “At the Movies with the Dumb, White Guy,” and I am pretty sure I picked the wrong month to start this feature.
Talk about suck, the only redeeming feature about any of the movies being released this week is Kate Beckinsale in her skin-tight leather outfit.
So let’s start there.

“Underworld: Evolution”
This is a sequel to “Underworld,” which I actually enjoyed.
Maybe I enjoyed it because Kate doesn’t look too shabby in those fantabulous outfits. It sucks that Mrs. Shife had to find out about my Kate crush on my blog. Maybe she won’t read today and my secret will remain a secret.
I think I have better luck finding gold nuggets in my crap.
OK, back to the movie.
In case you care, it is round two of the vampire-vs.-werewolf battle to the death.
The only reason to see this is because it is rated R which means there might be some sexuality/nudity which means Kate might be naked.

I am so sleeping on the couch this weekend.

“The New World”
In 1607, a crew of English explorers lands in North America. On board is a
rebellious man sentenced to hang, John Smith, played by Colin Farrell. As soon as they drop anchor, the crew discovers that the land is inhabited by a complex empire of native tribes, ruled by the chieftain. Blah, blah, blah.
This baby clocks in at 150 minutes. Wouldn’t you rather do something else with your life? Seriously you can not get those minutes back.

I am more interested in Colin’s sex tapes.

“End of the Spear”
A savage killer from a remote Amazon tribe becomes grandfather to the grandchildren of the North American man he killed.
Doesn’t this sound like the perfect family movie?
Plus that title works better as some fancy porno.

I will be on the couch watching Colin’s sex tapes.

Have a lovely weekend.

P.S. In case anyone wondered.
I remembered where I heard that lovely little phrase in yesterday's post. It was a line in the movie, Blade: Trinity, spoken by Mr. Van Wilder himself, Ryan Reynolds.


  1. I have seen the Colin Farrel sex tape. hot as he is and she is, the tape is ok. I have had hotter sex then that.

  2. At least you'll have something to watch before going to sleep on the couch! :)

  3. I LOVE this new feature!!!! My old man SLEPT through a good portion of Underworld!!!! I keep teasing him that we are going to HAVE to go see it!!! BTW, I know a lot of chicks who have a crush on Kate Beckinsale (we forgive her for Pearl Harbour). Maybe your wife does too?? Anyhow, she is in a great movie you could rent instead-- it has Aidan Quinn so the Mrs will have some beefcake-- I think it is called The Haunted and it is really good! (Do you at least have a comfy couch???)

  4. I really liked Underworld and am FEVERISHLY hoping that the second installment is equally good if not better. But I'll probably have a better chance of finding gold nuggets in your poop...

  5. I don't get the Colin Farrell entity. You know just by looking at him that there is a cloud of stink hanging over him. Why do some women find him hot? All I can guess is that they want to fix him.

    We're going to the movies this weekend and I know I'm doomed to watch something mediocre.

  6. You'd love Lord of War though!

  7. I didn't know that there was a plot in the first Underworld. All I remember was that black suit.

    If the screening was up to me, it'd be nothing but tight leather posterior. All that fighting and vampire shit---who cares?

  8. None of these movies are out in OZ yet. But now i can quote you and pretend i saw them before anyone else ;)

  9. That would make a nice porn title. "End of the Spear" is an actual, true story.

  10. Anonymous1/20/2006

    I'm seeing Final Destination this weekend. Those movies never get old.

  11. I don't even want to watch the sex tapes.

  12. Did you use the words 'Kate' and 'Naked' in the same sentence?

    *salivating like the man I am*

  13. By the way, are you making your blog posts a day behind, instead of posting them the night before?

  14. Blonde -- I believe you.

    DG -- Mrs. Shife might take away my TV privileges if she is really mad.

    ST -- I am glad you like it. I am going to have to look up that movie you talked about.

    Nicole -- Let me know how it is. I hope it is good as well.

    Scarlett -- I hope you find something that isn't too terrible.

    Cupcake -- We can talk about Lost anytime you want.

    NM -- I am going to watch it tonight.

    Rev -- I like your thinking.

    Steph -- You are going to be so popular quoting me and stuff.

    T. Leach -- It is true indeed. But I still think I would rather see the porn.

    Vince -- She is smokin' and I forgive her for Pearl Harbor.

    Anon -- Literally they do get old; it is just a fact of life. But figuratively they never ever get old.

    Angel -- I heard from a good source that you aren't missing much.

    Ann -- He isn't on my list either.

    Sugar -- You are funny. Whenever I put a picture of Ryan Reynolds on my leg, my basset hound goes crazy.

    AB -- Naked Kate. It is almost too much to fathom. I think it would be an excellent name for a band as well.

    Duck -- I do enjoy seeing him in motion pictures and television projects.

    Angel -- I was posting them late at night and then just putting the next day's date on there. But I have been posting right after work lately so I didn't want to cheat. I just try to do one post a day, Monday through Friday, but this week was Sunday through Thursday.

  15. You forgot this one!

    Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World
    It opens today. Albert Brooks.

    But not as good as naked Kate...

  16. Naked Kate > Comedy by Albert Brooks.

    Yes, that is definitely a no-brainer.

  17. Hmm I haven't been to the movies since the 90's! Although I wouldn't rather talk about about Lost either, not a fan. interesting selections

  18. I've never heard of these movies, but they way you're describing them....perhaps that's a good thing !

  19. Thanks for this informative yet convincing review of relatively mediocre movies. Though I think you spoiler Evolution for me. I assumed the first movie ended with one side winning! Thanks! Sheeesh.

    But seriously. Sex tapes? Do we need to see famous people having sex now?

  20. I am not even gonna attempt the movies this month...they all suck...but I still love reading your thoughts on them!LOL

  21. Cool which ones have you seen so far, any? Tks for the review! Sorry to hear about the couch thing..hehe :)

  22. Anonymous1/21/2006

    Hi mrshife...Wow! While I was searching for info on as seen on tv items I somehow found your page. Obviously I ended up a little off base, but I am certainly glad I stopped by for a read. While I am here, I just wanted to drop a quick note to comment your to move on and continue my search for as seen on tv items. Should you ever need it, there's lots of information on this site about as seen on tv items.

  23. ok...I googled "as seen on tv items" and your blog was NOWHERE to be found! That guy was SO lying!


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