Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Diarrhea cha-cha-cha


I apologize for the graphic nature of this blog but hey this is my life and shit happens.

So I am taking this new supplement called NO-XPLODE. It is nitrous oxide and it is suppose to pump you up. Well it is working but it is also giving my colon a work out as well. You are suppose to take it on an empty stomach and wait about 30 minutes before you start pumping iron. So that is what I do and about halfway through my workout my stomach starts rumbling and I send out a fart balloon (similar to a weather balloon so you can determine atmospheric conditions) to see how toxic my gas is. Well the fart balloon produces no adverse effects so I continue to work out and faberge (that's French for fart. OK, it is not but I like the way it sounds.) Everything is going good until the farts decide they want to solidify their presence if you know what I mean. It just hit me faster than a basset hound through Chinatown, diarrhea cha-cha-cha. And the gym is not the best place for this to happen because you are grunting anyway so lifting weights and squeezing cheese are not good dance partners. So I clinched my cheeks and prevented another sharting incident. I made it to the bathroom and everything went smoothly.
But it got me thinking .... what are the worst places to get hit with a sudden, crippling case of diarrhea? Like I said the gym is pretty bad but I believe an orgy would be even worse. Also the nude beach would not be an agreeable situation.
I am interested in hearing other people's suggestions.

8 comments:

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AnythingReally said...

hahaha.... I am very sorry to hear that, perhaps you should try a different supplement?

Anyway... you definitely picked some bad places! Nude beach... Orgy (especially if anal is involved!) also, an interview, on a plane/train/bus, AND at your significant others' parents house with only one bathroom!!!

Good blog. Come visit me so I can find my way back. I'm at work and can't bookmark. Peace Out!

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Scarlett said...

Another hilarious insight into the male psyche.

coloradohurricane said...

I was at a titty bar once when I saw a dancer who was giving a guy a private dance all of a sudden take off for the dressing room. Didn't realize what was going on until I saw she didn't quite make it in time, and there was a trail leading to the dressing room. Sux for whoever got stuck cleaning that mess.

mrshife said...

That's nasty.

Darius Torque said...

Hi Matt!!

Right...you asked for it!

This is a TOTALLY true story! It happened to me, 'she who must be obeyed' was backpacking with two girlfirends around Europe for two months (Australian right of passage) when this happened. I emailed her the story and she couldn't stop laughing for hours....bitch!

Ok, here goes...

Being single for the first time in a decade ('she' being in Europe) went out with mates and ended up at a cafe by the beach.

On my drive back home, got hit by a case of...sea food poisoning (the ABSOLUTE worst kind!).

Saw a late night service station.

Stagger in, all blurry eyed and cramps/chills from hell.

"Toilet?" croaks I to the spotty teenager.

"Out the back dude" cracks his warbly voice.

I ALMOST made it, got the door shut an bolted, almost..almost...pants pulled down...KA BOOOOOOMMMM!!!!

You see, when you've been poisoned your body kicks in with the million years of evolution thing. Shell fish food poisening WILL kill you, your body doesn't like that so...it empties everything and I mean EVERYTHING from the stomach!! Oh my God!! I have NEVER smelt anything like it before, and there was so much...everywhere!! Up the walls, over the floor. It was like a shit bomb had exploded. THE SMELL !

And so there I was, covered in the absolute worst shit, almost fainting with cramps and God it STANK!!!

I spent an hour, cleaning myself up. Used everything at hand (toilet soap, every piece of toilet paper..you name it. McGuvyer had NOTHING on me! Shit (no pun intended, I got so frakkin inventive he should-a given up his place on SG1 for me).

Anyway, after I had scrubbed my shit encrusted jeans I scuttled back to my car, past the stoned teen.

Drove home with my head stuck out of the window, sitting on an old towel (Hitchhikers WAS right, you've got to know where your towel is).

If the Cops had pulled me over, I was just going to tell them my colostomy bag had burst.

Got home, flung every piece of clothing (plus towel) in the washing machine. Took a half hour shower with industrial grease removing soap. Got into the cleanest freshest trackies most 'Queer Eye' fragrent tracksuit bottom and tops I owned, then opened the car windows to air all night.

Moral of story: Don't eat shell fish unless your prepared for exploding diarhea.

Dazza

PS: To whom did you mail that 'wonderful' calender I sent you?
Did any of them fall in love??

mrshife said...

Darius -- You win. That is hilarious, and even more funnier because it didn't happen to me.