Friday, July 13, 2012

The Pole Position


To the best of my knowledge and beliefs, the words I am about to type are true and no names have been changed to protect their drunken behavior. 
Like so many other great ideas, this great idea was concocted after the consumption of too many beers. It was 2002 and a cold Friday night with not a lot going on in Boise so naturally me and friends decided to drink beers after work until we found something to do because that is how all epic failures, I mean adventures begin. After a few beers and a cab ride downtown, we were at a bar doing the same thing we were doing at my friend's house: drinking beers and trying to figure out what to do. At least now we were in a bar where we could people watch and make fun others which made us feel better about ourselves. Fast forward a few hours later, and try to guess what we were doing.
And ... time is up.
All of you who answered bung darts with lemur monkeys are absolutely in need of therapy.
Of course we were still drinking, making fun of others, and still figuring out what to do. I would guess we are about 5 hours into the drinking - and did I mention I am a professional drinker so this is par for the course. After a stint in the Navy, and 5 years in fraternity, it is safe to say I could put away a few beers. Now don't be alarmed as I am fully retired from those days as I have a wife, kids, and other responsibilities that do not mesh well with being a professional drinker. OK I need to focus and get going with this story. Finally an epiphany was found at the bottom of one of the beer bottles or it might have been a poster in the bathroom. We need to go to a strip club. We put it to a vote. All in favor say I, and we reminded those who didn't say I that we will hide condiments in uncomfortable spaces in their body's orifices after they pass out.
Surprisingly it was unanimous.
Off to the strip club we go, and then I remembered why I don't like strip clubs. The drinks are way overpriced, it is dark for a reason and those reasons frighten me, it is loud, it is a little depressing, it gets boring pretty quickly, and I can think of better things to do than spend $20 dances on a 2-minute lap dance like drink beers and make fun of other people.
We have been at the club for about an hour and I am done. Ready to move on to another destination. I look at my friends and they have the same look of apathy. Remember it is loud and trying to hold a conversation is almost as impossible as getting the Democrats and Republicans to agree on anything so I do what any good friend would do and take matters into my own hands.
I notice there was break in the action between dancers as Sultry Smegma just finished and Curvaceous Crustina was about to take the main stage so with the calmness, poise, grace, and charm of a Wal-Mart shopper on Black Friday I leapt to my feet and jumped on the stage. Knowing I had mere seconds before I would be "gently" taken off stage by some yoked-up neanderthals, I had to make this moment  legend .... wait for it .... dary. I hopped up on the pole and starting to pull myself up as fast as I could. The "friendly" staff made their way to the stage but I was out of reach of their dinosaur arms. And I just kept climbing, and then looking down waving to my buddies who of course were cheering me on, and then looking at the "pleasant" bouncers (Honestly I think they were more pissed because I interrupted their "How You Can Read At A 6th-Grade Level in 3 Simple Lessons" meeting) to show them how the universal signal for you are #1. This little game continued for a few more minutes, and then I graciously came down from my pole perch to face my punishment. The "kind" men escorted me and my friends out of the building, and "politely" told us we were banned for life. I did get a few singles shoved into my Levis so the cab ride home was on me as we went back to my buddy's house where we .... you will never believe it .... drank a few beers trying to figure out something to do tomorrow. 
Have a nice weekend.







I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream.

18 comments:

just bob said...

How many singles did you get stuffed into your garter?

Red said...

Dork.

Mr. Shife said...

Hi Just Bob. You know a gentleman never kisses and tells, but since I am not a gentleman I can tell you it was not enough to get me a six-pack of Moose Drool.
Hi Red. Of course I am. I come from a long line of dorks. I can only imagine the dorkitude Kyle is going to harness when he is older.

Jon said...

And now the tale belongs to the ages. I'd post my embarrassing stories too, but they're nowhere near as amusing as yours. Besides, I think my repression of them is coming along nicely.

Jay Noel said...

I remember the first time I went to s trip club. And it was one of the more upscale establishments.

After about an hour, I was bored. And frankly, I felt a little sorry for the ladies. But I will admit, the first thirty minutes were pretty awesome.

Mr. Shife said...

Yes indeed Jon, and it is going to get worse for me because I am working on something that is going to probably make my son hate me when he is older.
You are spot on Jay. The first time I went to a strip club was a magical night. Definitely an eye opener.

silly rabbit said...

What? They didn't let you do lap dances? lol

kden said...

Oh Boy, you have led an exciting life. Years ago my husband and I went into one of those places where a girl dances and you're in a small room behind glass watching. It was weird and creepy and I couldn't wait to get outta there.

Valerie said...

Thought you were going to say they signed you up for life...lol.

Don't unplug your hub. said...

We call them bouncers. No not the girls tits, the guys who threw you, I mean, escorted you out. Do you think doormen/bouncers know how to have fun?

billy pilgrim said...

excellent story. i spent countless nights in similar establishments and had a friend who was obsessed with the fact that pole wasn't sanitized between acts.

texlahoma said...

Great story! I think an even wilder story was what lead me to this blog.
Have a good one.

Mr. Shife said...

No Silly Rabbit I was unable to make someone's fantasies come true.=) Plus it was really hard to move around in those Levis.
Hi ya Kden. I have been in one of those places too. I actually have a funny story about it but I will have to share it another day.
Hello Val. Nope they did not see my potential. Plus I think I needed to work on my cleavage.

Mr. Shife said...

Hey Unplug the Hub. What is up? I have not met a nice bouncer yet. And we are still talking about the dudes and not the girl's boobs right?
Hey BP. There are a lot of things to obsess over in a strip club but I don't think I have ever worried about the overall cleanliness of the pole. Then again there is a reason why it is so dark in there.
Hello Texlahoma. Glad you liked the story. So now I need to know what led you to my blog. Extremely curious.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

outstanding story. i didn't know you were so nimble.

i can see how a boise titty club could be a little depressing, so kudos to you for perking up the joint.

Mr. Shife said...

Yes Dr. Ken I am quite the acrobat. You should see me on the pommel horse. I didn't mention in the story but Boise does not allow nudity so it is basically a bikini bar so yes indeed I needed to make that place happening.

Phats said...

so be honest Magic Mike is really your true life story??? haha

texlahoma said...

Mr. Shife - I wish my memory was in better shape. That story started with a lot of alcohol being consumed
(I actually thought it was going to be the same story) I think it involved a pickup, maybe hitchhiking and traveling quite a long way and a lot of crazy stuff that I can't recall.