Greeting Cards Gone Wild

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Here are a few greeting cards that you probably won't be reading in the stores anytime soon. And sorry about the delay between posts but I was out of town for a wedding and I am nursing a world-class hangover. I just love getting older.

  • My tire was thumping.
    I thought it was flat
    When I looked at the tire...
    I noticed your cat.
    Sorry!
  • Violets are blue
    Roses are red
    I can’t believe your son
    Likes to give head
  • I don't mean to be mean,
    But yo mama needs Listerine,
    Not a sip,
    Not a swallow,
    But the whole damn bottle.
  • Looking back over the years that we've been together,
    I can't help but wonder...
    "What the hell was I thinking?"
    Congratulations on your wedding day!
    Too bad no one likes your husband.
  • How could two people as beautiful as you
    Have such an ugly baby?
  • I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love
    After having met you...
    I've changed my mind.
  • I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
    I never believed in Hell until I met you. !
  • As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
    That you're not here to ruin it for me.
  • Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go...
    Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
    You'll probably need it again.
  • Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
    (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
  • Happy birthday!
    You look great for your age.
    Almost Lifelike!
  • When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
    Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
  • We have been friends for a very long time...
    let's say we stop.
  • I'm so miserable without you it's almost like you're here.
  • Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
    Did you ever find out who the father was?
  • Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday
    So we're having you put to sleep.
  • So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
    Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.

Comments

  1. Matt S.3/13/2006

    Sweet.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Blonde3/13/2006

    reminds me of my Dad...

    He always gave a Sympathy card as a Wedding card and always wrote in it, "I'm sure it will be different for you. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

    ReplyDelete
  3. Jon Boles3/13/2006

    Shife: Are you sure we're not related? That sounds like the kind of stuff I'd suggest for cards.

    Awesome list, as always.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Laurie (aka buggy)3/13/2006

    blonde - that is funny about your dad's wedding card gift. :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ann3/13/2006

    The last one was my favorite.

    ReplyDelete
  6. JM3/13/2006

    Hey, I'm from West Virginia and I haven't seen that card yet!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Design Goddess3/13/2006

    "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

    Sure wish they had that card for my ex!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Phats3/13/2006

    HAHAHA!! these are hilarious shife you rock. I loved the listerine one and the giving head one too funny.

    GO HEELS!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Atalante3/14/2006

    I'd bet there's a market for those. This could be a get-rich-quick break. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  10. missy3/14/2006

    "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
    That you're not here to ruin it for me."

    I have the perfect person in mind for this card. Maybe I'll just send it as an e-card ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  11. Denise3/14/2006

    You're a nut!

    Watch it with those TN remarks! LOL

    ReplyDelete
  12. An Urban Femme3/14/2006

    Impressive!

    ReplyDelete
  13. The Scarlett3/14/2006

    You sooooo make me laugh.

    ReplyDelete
  14. meghansdiscontent3/14/2006

    Where do you come up with this stuff, babe?

    ReplyDelete
  15. lilly3/14/2006

    The second one is so funny.. It reminds me of my friends brother. When he finally decided to come out to his brother (my friend) he called and told him "Yeah, I like big fat cock in my mouth!" My friend just about died! It was hilarious...

    ReplyDelete
  16. the_mrs3/14/2006

    That was great...have you pitched these to Hallmark yet?

    ReplyDelete
  17. Cupcake3/14/2006

    I could use about 4 of those right this minute

    ReplyDelete
  18. DaMasta3/14/2006

    LOLOLOL..
    That's some funny shit, Shifey!

    "We've been friends for a long time. Let's say we stop."

    Let's not.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Unknown3/14/2006

    lmao

    ReplyDelete
  20. Anonymous3/14/2006

    I love the first one. Truely creative. You are a true blue verve.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Luke3/14/2006

    Oh, that was me. ^^^^

    ReplyDelete
  22. SugarHigh3/14/2006

    i wish Hallmark would get on this already. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  23. Zack3/14/2006

    "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

    LOL I wish I had that one a year ago when my ex had her kid.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Nicole3/14/2006

    Oh dear. Time for a kitty roll call:

    One cat...two cats...

    Yep. They're all here.

    ReplyDelete
  25. none - ya3/14/2006

    I've always hated having to tell people they have a cute baby, when clearly the child is, for lack of a better word, a brown bagger. I have a friend that has the ugliest kid I have ever seen. Everytime she shows me pictures I just cringe. What really shocks me is how attractive the two of them are. Hopefully the poor kid will grow out of this "chew toy" look.

    ReplyDelete
  26. LBseahag3/14/2006

    heh heh...nothing like a little Lysterine to fend off dragon breath...

    ReplyDelete
  27. Steph3/14/2006

    Did you make that up? You really should work for Hallmark if you did. :)

    ReplyDelete
  28. Carly3/15/2006

    those are brilliant.
    it was just my friend's b-day and i'll have to give those in a belated card.
    thanks mr. shife!

    ReplyDelete
  29. Dirk the Feeble3/15/2006

    In all fairness, being a hooker actually is pretty good pay.

    ReplyDelete
  30. White Dade3/15/2006

    You know, Shife, I tinhk if this whole blogging thing doesn't work out, you could go to work for the people over at t-Shirt hell

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
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