Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

I have some bad news, well some of you might find it to be good news, but I will be at a company retreat for the rest of the week and this will severely limit my abilities to blog. I will do my best to blog but I am not making any promises, so have a great rest of the week and more than likely I will talk to you on Monday.
I will leave you in good hands as Dave Barry was kind enough to share some words of wisdom with me.


16 things that it took me
over 50 years to learn
by Dave Barry
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. (I wish I had!)
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Men are like fine wine ... They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

42 comments:

Sideshow said...

I'm sorry, I must have missed the bad news.

And, oh, I don't remember granting you permission to use my image on your blog. Especially that one...it makes me look fat.

angel, jr. said...

I need to dance more.
And also obey number 10, always obey number 10--especially if said parties of number 10 have had mucho alcohol. If you walk away with anything from these lessons, it's number 10.

cher said...

i never said i was a nice person. check please....today....ok, you know what? let me speak to your manager.

i am seriously sad that you are gone. coming home to your blog was one of my reasons for wanting to get home. i've got to get me one of those hand puppets now for real.

Phats said...

Say it aint so Mr. Shife! Hurry back the blogworld will miss ya.

GO HEELS wow that pains me to say

Deshaun said...

"Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic".

I love that!!

missy said...

What are you retreating from?

Darius Torque said...

Have fun at the 'corperate hoe down' (sic'
Just think of me painting painting moving house swearing arguing with 'She'.
May not post for a week

Darius

totolehero said...

super sad that you'll be away, but i hope you will have a good time anyways...

i was once asked if i was pregnant by this butcher (i was wearing a puffy jacket)... it hurt so much !!! i made him give me a discount..

SuperSpyGal said...

I can feel the "Shife withrawals" coming on now !! NOOOOO...LOL...Have fun and we'll miss you !!

BTW - #13 is soooo true. I always watch how anyone I date treats other people around him, it tells alot about his future character !

Katina Cloud said...

Have fun on your retreat!!

I enjoyed # 16

Dirk the Feeble said...

Dave Barry is my hero.

In honor of your vacation and blogging absense, I will be undergoing my own blogging fast. I do it for you, Shife.

Luke said...

Come back soon, enjoy the retreat.

I enjoyed the list, and quite agree about the waiter thing.

The Scarlett said...

#10. Very true. Never, ever say, "When are you due?"

#13. Exceptionally true. If I was out there dating, I would insist upon a dinner or lunch date to observe the treatment of the wait-staff. Also, I would pay attention to how that person tips because that tells how generous the person is. If you can afford to go out for a meal you can afford to tip well.

Vince said...

Have fun on your retreat, I'll miss your daily dose of goodness.

#9 is the poo. Rock and roll.

T. Leach said...

Retreat THIS, motherfucker!

Scottish Toodler said...

I love that picture!!! I WILL MISS YOU!!!! And Chairbourne tagged you so I am waiting to see YOUR list!!! HURRY BACK!!!!

SugarHigh said...

i love dave barry. genius.

oh and...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, don't leave us again!
oh well, we'll miss you. safe trip!

mona said...

That was funny :)
I like the last one best, let the stomping begin.

Chairborne Stranger said...

Well have a blast man, your post is sage advice. Your career isn't your life, except in Iraq.

Chairborne Stranger said...

And the Cards have a good shot to win this weekend, too.

Steph said...

Shifey, how will we get through the week?

Love the Dave Barry quotes. Gonna post it on my forum.

nicole said...

This was great. Which, of course, means I'm gonna rip it off.

You'll be missed while you're gone, Shife!

Terence said...

Have fun man. Hopefully they send you somewhere warm. Come back in one piece.

coloradohurricane said...

keep away from midgets on the retreat, Mr Shife.

meghansdiscontent said...

Dave Barry and Erma Bombeck always get me.

Have a fun and safe retreat! What will I do for laughs in your absence??

Christie said...

lmao love the list

Denise said...

OK, Mr. Shife....that's IT! I'm calling my lawyer and I'm going to sue! You did NOT have my permission to post my husband's picture. The ballet thing is a private fetish....how DARE you go through my underwear drawer and steal that photo!!!
See you in court!!!!
;)

cranberry said...

damn! and i just started reading your blog.
i will wait with anticipation.

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Deshaun said...

The world is a drought when out of love
Please come back to us
You're all of the above


Incubus - Sick Sad Little World

Hurry up and get your ass back here man!! :-)

Phats said...

When is this retreat over, I hope you didn't get buried under snow.

cher said...

I swear you've been gone waay longer than a day already. this sucks.

Design Goddess said...

I just get back and now you leave....is that just coincidence???

Guess I'm stuck looking at Ionic Breezes all day. :(

DaMasta said...

No, no, no, NO, NO! Everyone MUST celebrate my birth. Until I see fit.

Yes, but you forgot to mention the one person who built the arc was IMAGINARY. And the "professionals" that built the Titanic were rich, white investors.

LBseahag said...

I was looking for the perfect way to compare a burly man with wine...and i thank you...

come back...we need you..

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Denise said...

I tagged you days ago....we're waiting for your questionnaire to be answered. ;)

cher said...

is it ok to miss you this much????

jamwall said...

come back! i've got a klondike bar!

Phats said...

What would you do for a klondike bar?

I was tempted to sing the whole commercial but then people might find me odd. Maybe he isn't coming back?

Phats said...

If he doesn't eat his klondike bar can I have it?

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