Tuesday, December 06, 2005

How Cold Is It?

It is so cold outside that the flasher in my neighborhood is only describing himself.
Thank you. Please tip your waitstaff.
As most of us are freezing our asses off, I thought I would present you with an annotated thermometer that I ran across on the web the other day. Now you have another way to tell people how cold it is besides "It is really fucking cold."


60 - Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe)
50 - Miami residents turn on the heat
40 - You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming, Canadians work on their tan
35 - Italian cars don't start, Britney Spears kills a man with her nipples
32 - Water freezes
30 - You plan your vacation to Australia, Minnesotans put on t-shirts, politicians begin to worry about the homeless, British cars don't start
25 - Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming
20 - You can hear your breath, politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further south
15 - French cars don't start, you plan a vacation in Mexico, cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you, and teenagers still insist on not wearing a coat
10 - Too cold to ski, you need jumper cables to get the car going
5 - You plan your vacation in Houston, American cars don't start
0 - Alaskans put on t-shirts, too cold to skate, your balls detach and head to South America
-10 - German cars don't start, eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist
-20 - Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you, politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start
-25 - Too cold to think, you need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 - You plan a two-week hot bath, the Mighty Monongahela freezes, Swedish cars don't start
-40 - Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweaters, your car helps you plan your trip south
-50 - Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window
-80 - Hell freezes over, polar bears move south

26 comments:

angel, jr. said...

At what temperature does the now single and searching for Angel-Jessica Simpson's nipples do harm?

platkat said...

It's 45 degrees in Texas, and I'm bundled up with the heat on. I don't even want to leave my house until February or March.

jamwall said...

kill me, its fucking cold!!!

thanks for your vote matt!

coloradohurricane said...

Thing is, people in Miami really do put on the heat when it gets 50 degrees. I remember listening to a Miami Hurricane baseball game online earlier this year and hearing the announcers bitch about how cold it was. Finally, I opened a browser window to see how cold it really was- the temp was around 65.

LBseahag said...

Nice!
I ran my heat for the first time in 11 months...dust flew out..it wasnt pretty...but electric heat=$75 bill for a one time run in a one-bedroom apt..bastards!
I got to wear a sweater today! Had to go buy it special, for those days it dipped below 60...and a scarf, and uggs...i am soo ready for winter!
signed-
Your friend in socal...
Freeze!!!

missy said...

Dammit... I only do Celsius!

Max said...

Right now, it is so cold in Nebraska, the snow stops falling halfway to the ground.

Father of 3 said...

It's so cold, I saw a chixken with a cape on.

Dirk the Feeble said...

Do you know how COOL it would be to have -80 degree weather? I could use my expactorations as a Holiday Projectile!

DaMasta said...

Today marks the first day I've had to put the heater on at home.

Let the winter season begin in Houston!

Vince said...

Angel, the same temperature at which hell freezes over. I'll fight you for her!

So what was the low this morning, Shife?

SuperSpyGal said...

You know it's cold here when the snot freezes to your face !

The Scarlett said...

We have snow on the ground and I'm trying to determine if I can stand a frozen Frappuccino at Starbucks. I'm thinking I could use some guidelines. Maybe if I'm wearing fur?

Scottish Toodler said...

It's like, sixty degrees here, and all of us Valley Girls are like, oh my god, I need to go the LL Bean mall store and buy a new coat. Like one of those down jackets with lining... like ohmigod...hehehe... that's one of the reasons I moved here. It's like Summer Holiday all the time!!!! LMAO about Britney's nipples!!!

mrshife said...

Angel -- I don't think they could ever do harm.

Platkat -- I wish it was 45 here. You should be sunbathing.

Jamwall -- You definitely know about the cold Mr. Minnesota.

CH -- Those pussies.

LB -- You have to keep Tyson and Jinx nice and warm. And I spoke with Mrs. Shife about a weekend trip to Preston so keep your fingers crossed.

NM -- Sorry, I only do the F.

Max -- That's cold.

FO3 -- That is cold as well. You don't want that chicken to get the bird flu.

Armaedes -- That would be very cool.

Damasta -- So how cold is it down there?

Vince -- It was 12 mother fucking degrees.

SSG -- I think I have heard weathermen use that expression on newscasts.

Scarlett -- We all need our guidelines.

ST -- I would love 60 degree weather right now. I could break out my thong.

Chairborne Stranger said...

What the hell would they do in Miami at -15? And you know about the Mighty Mon too!

Andraste said...

35 in Boston right now. Quite pleasant, actually.

What?! It's above freezing!

I think people who complain about the cold when it's above freezing are wimps. Then again, I'm MISERABLE in the summer, so that's when I do my complaining.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

It's warm in Tampa. I turned my AC back on yesterday.

SugarHigh said...

another excellent post my funny friend.
i slept with my hooded sweatshirt on last night...damn the fridgidation!

meghansdiscontent said...

Hey hey hey.
Easy on us -15ers.
We don't ALL stick our tongues on things . . .

the duck said...

Those are all amazingly accurate descriptions. Thank you mrshife. Informative as always.

Luke said...

platkat.. they have heaters in Texas??

nicole said...

I love this!!!

Wish I could rip it off but then you'd just read it on MY blog.

Sigh...

DucatiMike said...

Well I'm glad it's no longer Hoff week.

That list is fricken hilarious. good stuff. Your weekend sounds a LOT like how my weekends sound.....sigh

sc said...

I was in California a few weeks ago and I was in a tee-shirt and shorts while the locals where searching for winter jackets... crazy californians.

Terence said...

Man, cold does not even begin to describe this. As a South Carolinian, being sent to Cleveland for 2 wks was not something I was looking forward to. Snow, Ice, single wind chill... Eh eh, too much for my blood.