Handy tips from Mr. Shife

For some reason -- I am pretty sure it was the Nyquil -- I was thinking about what items would make your masterbatory experience less than pleasant. So without further ado, I present my top 20 list of things that will not be beneficial to your solo lovemaking adventures.

  1. Cheese graters
  2. Vacuums
  3. Rabid badgers
  4. Soiled diapers
  5. Fish sticks
  6. Fine Mexican food
  7. Halloween haikus
  8. Radioactive waste
  9. Christmas lights
  10. Roast beef
  11. Greasy, slimy gopher guts
  12. Weapons of mass destruction
  13. Ginsu knifes
  14. Toupees
  15. Dandruff
  16. Mufflers
  17. Farm animals
  18. Icy Hot
  19. Hot glue gun
  20. Zombie-elected overlords

As always, your feedback is welcomed and appreciated.


  1. Baked beans and styrofoam packing peanuts.

    Please don't ask me why.

  2. haha "Masterbatory" made me laugh.

    Farm Animals, man you better start a PSA quick for the kids here in indiana!

  3. Vacuums make males' masturbatory experiences worse??

    I thought if they were on the low setting and you used the hose . . .

    I'm not a boy, I don't know.

  4. I agree with toupees...it just would kill the mood.

  5. False teeth
    Toilet bowl cleanser (any brand)
    The Holocaust

  6. EXFOLIATIING SOAP!!! or soap-with-sandpaper! (That stuff ought to come with warning label for those in-the-shower pull offs)
    I have asked my wife to buy only Dove from now on.

  7. LOL!!! These are great!

    Don't forget what Billy Crystal once said, "sliding down a razor blade into a vat of rubbing alcohol is no fun".

    Just the thought of that makes me feel all.... I don't really know.

    I didn't realize that men put so much thought in to the "maturbatory process". Nice to know.

  8. How bout, sand, camel spiders, iraqi man love?? Sorry, just came from CS' site.

  9. lmao! icy hot! ahhahaha!!
    broken glass would pretty much suck.

  10. i've wacked off to rabid badgers many times using sean connery's toupe'.

    of course the rabid badgers were engaged in hot group action with phyllis diller..

  11. I always thought, not that I've tried, that a vacuum turned on low might be effective.

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  13. you forgot mutilated monkey meat and french fried eyeballs...

    what's wrong with you?

  14. LMAO!! Zombie elected overlords definitely ruin my vibe!!! This post is a Shife masterpiece to be sure-- or is that masturbatory piece??? LMAO!!!

  15. HEY !!....don't knock the hot glue gun until you've tried it..oh wait, that's supposed to be hot wax...hmmmmm....no wonder why I can't....oh nevermind !!

  16. Anonymous12/15/2005

    I would think that, with a little Vaseline, a vacuum could provide a superb sexual experience for a man.

    Don't write off the greasy, slimy gopher guts. They would serve as a suitable lubricant in a pinch...men had to use something before Vaseline was invented. For all we know gopher guts could have been the lube of choice for the Pilgrims.

    Now....the muffler thing...don't knock it 'til you try it! I have photographic evidence that it MAY NOT be so bad....you be the judge.

  17. cupcake, I agree!! I have passed out on myself on Nyquil!!

  18. i've written two university papers on the history and social construction surrounding the negative perception that society has on masturbation. i have yet to write one that has included items that would make the act of 'onanism' less pleasant.
    though, i will find the link to the terrible anti-masturbatory items when i'm not on a work-based computer.

    i must say though, that an esteban guitar is now on my list.

  19. Anonymous12/18/2005

    Aww... I thought you'd at least mention The Hoff here... or is he soooo (a thing of) archives now?

  20. Today is the 19th?? Where are you??

  21. Wow, I'll have to keep this list handy.


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