Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Unemployed Ninjas

No that is not the name of my new band, but it is actually an issue that America needs to address. We are facing a growing epidemic in this country as more and more ninjas, assassins and samurai are faced with the difficult task of finding a new career because more and more companies are laying off their ninjas. The corporate environment is not same as it was 10 or 20 years ago when an executive would send out his ninja to spy on rival companies or to terminate unproductive employees. I remember just like yesterday walking down where the streets have no name and you would always see a homeless guy out there with a sign about how ninjas killed his family. Not anymore folks. In this day and age of political correctness, the services of the ninja are as antiquated as the thought that women only belong in the kitchen.
I have been known to champion many causes in my lifetime, and this one is the latest that really speaks to my heart. We need to help these poor ninjas, assassins and samurai regain some of their dignity and give them a reason to live. They have trained their whole lives to be agents of espionage and assassinations, and now they are kicked out on the street with no hopes of supporting their baby ninjas.
I have given this idea much thought, and I believe I have an idea that will give this segment of our population a way to make ends meet and feel like they are really contributing to society again.
I will set up a service where people can hire the ninjas, assassins or samurai to perform a fake hit on someone. For example, how many times have you thought to yourself that you were going kill somebody, but you never did because you are not insane. Well now you can sort of. One of my ninjas will pay a visit to the person who you wished was dead in a public establishment like a restaurant or mall. So this person is enjoying a fine meal, when all of the sudden a smoke bomb appears and there is a ninja. The ninja then throws a whipped cream pie in that person’s face, and then another smoke bomb appears and the ninja is gone. Along with the pie is a message that tells the person they were being a douche bag and they better start acting nicer or the ninja will be back but this time he won’t be so nice.
I think the idea is solid gold, but I would love to hear what you think.
Have a nice day and watch out for those ninjas.

28 comments:

the_mrs said...

Where can I get one? I actually need two: one for each of my sons.

Max said...

If you let me be Director of Ninja Operations I'm in! I won't even ask for a parking space.

We can call it NinjAid.

Design Goddess said...

My only concern is that these trained assassins might have a hard time NOT killing people when that's what they're trained to do. It's just something you might want to consider before launching your program.

Otherwise, I'd SO send one to a few people I know...and some I'd like to forget!

g said...

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Father of 3 said...

Benihana is hiring. Put a steak in front of a ninja and let him slice that bad boy up.

cher said...

no time to read this today, just wanted to stop by and say hi. although i had to chuckle at the topic!!

Phats said...

That would have been a cool name for your band, can I be lead vocals?

LBseahag said...

I would pay good money for a pie toting ninja to take down all of my coworkers...

turtles, preferably...

DaMasta said...

Pizza, dude!!

Kowabunga!!

Blonde said...

Off the topic of the post...

I read an article the other day about a bar/restaraunt that has only midgets working there. I thought of you immediately. How sweet is that?!?!?!?!

Mike H said...

We all wear these Tyvek suits at my work, and we all look like Blue Ninjas. If you get desparate, I know where you can find 15 Blue Ninjas with little to no Ninja experience.

Just putting it on the backburner. I'm sure you already have more than a dozen Black Ninjas lined up to take care of business.

nicole said...

Dude, nobody told me this service was available!!! There's a SLEW of fools that need a visit from a ninja right about now.

Think they make housecalls...?

SuperSpyGal said...

Just as long as they are quality Ninjas...I sooooo hate those department store Ninjas

Sideshow said...

The reason the ninja has gone the way of the dodo, the Abominible Snowman and political ethics is because they had a shitty benefit plan.

Terence said...

I take it you didn't hear about the big Ninja strike in Tulsa, OK. A bunch of ninjas are protesting for because of unequal wages and lack of rice. It's a shame too. It's been weeks before someone used their real ultimate power to flip out and kick people in the face.

meghansdiscontent said...

There are so many people I would like to have Ninja-ed right now.

Just give me the cost and the number to make arrangements.

Atalanta said...

Sweet, you have an Italian contingent, and if that midget bar Blonde mentioned ever closes you could probably recruit them? Oh, the possibilities.

the duck said...

Ninjas are cool, and by cool I mean totally sweet.

eric said...

pirates > ninjas

simple fact of life

Cupcake said...

"Hello, Ninjas R Us? I'd like to place an order for 2 non-lethal ninjas to help clear a path at the mall so I can finish my Christmas shopping.
What? You're out of non-lethal? Okay just send the lethal ones. They can kill anyone that tries to steal my parking space."

The Scarlett said...

I'd like to assemble my own ninja squad. They'd have some fashionable footwear in addition to those nifty throwing stars. I'd make them do synchronized moves, too.

I've thought way too much about this.

Chairborne Stranger said...

dude, how many do you got? i could use a whole battalion, or two. lol

shit, call haliburton--put an end to the war right now.

Luke said...

I've now added the "Unemployed Ninjas" to my holiday charity donations list.

Deshaun said...

Oh man! LOL I love that picture of the homeless guy!
If I seen him on the street, i'd give him all the money in my pocket just for holding that sign!

mrshife said...

The Mrs -- I think I might do an infomercial so keep looking on your TV.

Max- Dude you are officially the DNO. The pay sucks, but the benefits are amazing. A lair of Ninjas at your disposal.

DG -- I think we can declaw them, you know like they do with cats. But that is a good point.

G -- No speakie whatever you typed.

FO3 -- I don't know if I can compete with Bennihana.

Cher -- Hello, thanks for stopping by.

Phats -- Yes, but you have to dress like a Ninja with attitude. And you might have to sleep with some groupies.

LB -- Well everything I do, I do it for you.

Damasta -- No pizza for you.

Blonde -- You can't tease me like that. I need more information.

Mike H -- We are always looking for little to no experienced Ninjas.

Nicole -- You betcha.

SSG -- I know they give Ninjas a bad name.

Sideshow -- You are correct, sir, and I hope to improve their benefits by offering nude photos of my dog.

Terence -- That is a damn shame.

MD -- It is still in the planning phase, but I will let you know.

Atalanta -- It does make the head spin.

Duck -- You are a wise man.

Eric -- Prove it.

Cupcake -- We are so there.

Scarlett -- I have too.

CS -- I will do what I can.

Luke -- You are a very generous man, the ninjas thank you.

Deshaun -- You have to give him props for creativity.

Max said...

DNO Max Powers at your service. This is how I'm going to answer the phone:

**Ring**
**Ring**
**Ring**
:::I pick up:::
:::Awkward pause:::
Caller: Hello? Are you there?
DNO Max: Of course I am. But ninjas never speak first. How can I help you?

cranberry said...

that is some distrubing news from the ninja front.
i will do some brainstorming and think of a strategy to get these poor ninjas back on the payroll.

Guru said...

Eric, I think you are mega wrong

Ninjas > Pirates^(infinity)