Sunday, December 11, 2005

Back in the saddle again

Greetings and salutations amigos, do you miss me?
Well I missed you. It is good to be back and here is a virtual hug from me to you.
But let's get down to business.
I left my last job almost two years ago and occasionally I will run into someone I use to work with. I was at the grocery store when this previously mentioned phenomenon occurred. In order to protect the innocent, I will just say he is a middle-aged guy (MAG). I noticed him first and thought I would go say hello. I really didn't talk to him too much at work and I couldn't remember why this was the case but oh, how it came back to me faster than a basset hound running through Chinatown.
So I bump into him and as soon as we exchange pleasantries I was mentally punching myself in the babymaker for being such an idiot. Mr. Shife is now in the awkward zone with MAG. Every time MAG speaks I am just cringing and searching frantically for a sub on the bench because I needed to get out of this situation. I tried not to stare or act insensitive but the last time I checked there are no Oscars on my mantle.
Here is the deal, to borrow a phrase from comedian Dane Cook, there is a battle of epic proportions going on in his mouth. His incisors and molars are having a battle royale to decide who gets to be out front. It looks he chews rocks for a living. MAG's mouth looks like a homeless shelter for fucked-up dental work. I am trying to focus on anything but his mouth as he speaks to me but I can't. I am dick and all I do is stare at his piehole, and I barely open my own mouth fearing that one of his rogue wood-chopping incisors might launch a strike on my pearly whites. Did you let someone practice their jack hammering skills in your mouth? Have you heard of the this place called a dentist's office? Honestly it looks like the mother of all wars took place in his mouth and his teeth lost.
4 out 5 dentists may agree that this confession guarantees me another weekend pass in hell, but for the love of Fat Elvis, please people take care of your fucking teeth.




P.S. Thank you to everyone who tagged me. I plan on doing it this week so please just be a little more patient.

38 comments:

Scottish Toodler said...

Okay, those pictures were really gross!!! Oh yeah, glad you are back!!!

dashababy said...

OMG! I read this to Kevin and I was laughing so hard I could hardly breathe. OMG! I was rolling.

Yes, we missed you. ((hugs back))

ionic breeze said...

Hi there mrshife, a real useful blog. Can you believe it? When blog surfing for detailed info on esteban guitar I ended up on your page. Obviously your site is not exactly what I was searching for, but your site caught my interest. Just wanted to drop a quick note to comment your blog...now to move on and continue my search for esteban guitar. Should the need ever arise where you need information on esteban guitar then drop by for a look.

LBseahag said...

HAAA!!! glad you are back...

MAG has a son, a guy named Alan from Seattle, a gay guy with rotted teeth, that hit on my gay guy friend at Disneyland about two years ago...

I so wanna get gummed...thank you for the inspiration...

Phats said...

Hell ya! you're back and with a funny story too. I have had that happen before too, so I can totally relate, it's not fun! Blogworld missed ya buddy, don't stay away thatlong again!

Denise said...

That's just freakin' naaaaasssty!
LOL

Patience is a virtue...of which I have NONE! Hurry up with that list Shife! ;)

Vince said...

Some would call them "summer teeth."

I love that the Ionic Breeze mentioned the Esteban guitar in his comment, and his blog's name is "asseenontvad." You gotta add this guy to the friends list.

T. Leach said...

What happened to "Tag THIS, motherfuckers!"

totolehero said...

too much for a monday morning mrshife!!!

glad to have you back..

missed you !!!

angel, jr. said...

I have an obsession with my teeth. I go through endless packages of Crest White Strips, brush with baking soda enhanced toothpaste and rinse with mouthwash enhanced with whitening stuff.

SuperSpyGal said...

LOL...I can imagine you staring and not trying to stare all at the same time !!
There was some guy who worked in the local store with a lazy eye and I would go out of my way not to make eye contact...(not that eye contact with him would have been easy anyway)...

Dirk the Feeble said...

His name is Toofie, because he's got a fucked-up grill.

I don't know why I find the above sentence hilarious. I suppose it could have been that crack I smoked earlier.

SugarHigh said...

i almost choked on my vomit i was laughing so hard. that is just plain nasty. i am so sorry you had to go through this. welcome back. ((hugs))

cher said...

it's retarded to have missed you as much as i did. glad your back!

that last picture is almost exactly like a nightmare i have a lot that all my teeth are crumbling and i'm spitting them out in big chunks and theirs all this teeth grit in my mouth. it's a horrible dream. i wake up with sore jaw muscles from clenching.

Father of 3 said...

Shife!!! Welcome back.

the duck said...

Where do you find your pics shife? Jeez I sure hope that last pic is a fake because ohmygodwow.

mrshife said...

ST -- It is good to be back, thank you.

DB -- Missed everyone as well.

IB -- I think you are just teasing me.

LB -- Good luck and you are welcome.

Phats -- I will try but until I become independently wealthy this whole work thing is getting in the way.

ME -- It is coming. I will have it up this week.

Vince -- He is going to have to offer more than info on esteban guitars.

T. Leach -- Sorry, I have to give the people what they want.

Toto -- Thanks.

Angel -- I think your choppers are safe then.

SSG -- It was very difficult.

Armaedes -- That is a possibility.

Sugar -- Be careful, this blog is dangerous.

Cher -- I missed you too.

FO3 -- Thank you my man.

Duck -- If you want to lose your lunch, just do an image search for bad teeth on Google. Very disturbing.

Blonde said...

Glad to have you back home, Daddy.

I am a big fan of nice teeth. I am so grossed out by bad teeth. In this day and age with decent dental plans and extreme advancements in tooth technology, there is absolutely NO excuse for bad teeth.

Chairborne Stranger said...

Hey glad you're back man!

Those look like Iraqi teeth.

meghansdiscontent said...

Glad you're back!
And OMG. . . I swear, I know that guy! He asks me out every Tuesday.

Scary beans.

nicole said...

First of all, STELLAR post to bust back on the scene with, Shife!

Oh how we've missed you!!!

Second, it has come to my attention within the last year that I'm becoming tooth-obsessed. My brushing pattern can be broken down into quadrants and passes like a well-mapped, militaristic offensive. And I'm on the verge of over-flossing: going back and forth over the same spot just to ensure that I don't miss a speck of malarkey.

I just hope all this pays off and I get to keep my teeth for at least another 40 years...

Gerard said...

ooo! I missed you!

jamwall said...

sorry about those teeth bro!

maybe we could fit you with some plastic vampire fangs and some polident!

sc said...

holy F those teeth will haunt my dreams for years to come.

missy said...

Damn. I wish I wasn't eating (rocks) when I read this!

Design Goddess said...

OH HAPPY DAY!!! Shife is back!!! Yea!!!!

I'm making my dentist appointment as we speak!

Design Goddess said...

Oh and I come across people all the time like that where I work. We have a lot of lower/no income patients and man it's rough seeing that and hard not to stare! Or be ill from the halitosis that emerges from their orifice and obliterates my nose hairs.

Cupcake said...

Oh! DG got to the halitosis mention before me. boo! I was gonna say "Pair that with some dash of halitosis (which you KNOW he has with those teeth!) and you have a serious need for a Jedi force field."

Glad you're back, Shife, since I've been hearing so much about you and when I finally come to visit you're out sick...

Cupcake said...

oh geez-sus. I meant "with A dash of halitosis"
I am a grammar nazi.

Social Drunk said...

that dud had a grill like 57 chevy big body... his breathe prolly smelled like the hind-end of handless hooker near the 24th day of the month. wow.

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