The weekend that was

Just to prove to all the player haters that besides being a dumb, white guy I am also a boring, white guy, I proudly present what I did this past weekend.

  • Left the office Friday at about 5:30 and on my commute home I listened to the soothing sounds of Lionel Richie (Say you, say me, let us say it together, naturally) and other "cool" '80s artists on the second greatest piece of technology that I own, the iPod (TiVo is the the current techno champ in our house).
  • Made it home unscathed and was greeted by the fat basset and the lovely Mrs. Shife. One of them tried to hump my leg. I will make it a mystery and let you figure out who it was.
  • The great Christmas tree debate began shortly after the greetings and salutations. Mrs. Shife wants a real tree, and Mr. Shife is ready to get a fake one. I will also make this a mystery and let you figure out who won the debate. But here is a hint, I do not have any pants and my testicles were last seen in 2002 near the outskirts of Winnemucca, Nevada.
  • We get a real tree and then headed to the store to get some Christmas decorations. Mrs. Shife looks for ornaments, garland and other misc. items while I look for new underwear. New underwear shopping is not as easy as it sounds. I have to get the right style, color and look. First, white panties are not an option. You have to be a brave man to wear the whites and I am not that courageous. Second, no banana hammocks, it is boxer briefs or bust. And finally I need to get the most bang for my buttocks. No need to get the suped-up undies, just get me the stuff that keeps my junk and my trunk covered.
  • We make it home and the decorating begins. I am in charge of the TV room and basically all I accomplish is picking up some stuff and running the vacuum. And somehow Mr. and Mrs. Smith begins playing and I am forced to spend two hours watching this garbage. I guess I had hopes that Angelina Jolie may have a few scenes minus clothing, but it was mostly just her and Brad trying to kill people. I think this film would have benefited from a few oil wrestling scenes.
  • Saturday rolls around and I start the day by getting a haircut. Mrs. Shife is babysitting her friend's kid so she is out and about all afternoon. Left to my own devices, I plant my ass on the couch and watch a steady diet of college football. Most of the games were blow outs so I popped in another movie but I ended up taking a nap.
  • Quincy and I wake up, head outside and put up some Christmas lights on the house.
  • Seriously, are you still reading this? Yes, this is my life and you should be extremely jealous.
  • I quietly sob in the corner of my living room because reality has set in that it is no longer Hoff week on my blog.
  • Mrs. Shife returns home and we hit the town for some more errands, pick up some dinner and discuss our Christmas plans.
  • The Shifleys return home, have a few cocktails, and one thing leads to another.
    I am sorry but that is all I can tell you. You will have to pay $12.95 to get the Premium version of this blog and the rest of the details.
  • I wake up Sunday with a smile on my face for some odd reason and I am little sore. Hmmm, I wonder what I did last night and why are there bite marks on my ass?
  • And the rest of the day is really lame. I hit the gym and sweat with the fat ladies from the old country, and then I planted my ass back on the coach to watch a steady diet of professional football.

I hope you had a lovely weekend as well.


  1. My mother always insists on a real tree, but then she ends up bitching about how the needles get all over the place and SHE has to clean them up. Myself, I have a fake tree. You can get some pretty nice ones these days with prestrung lights and everything.

  2. HA nice entry. I was really hoping the song would be "hello, is it me you're looking for"

    Nice Decorations, Clark W. Griswald would be proud!

  3. Do you take PayPal?

  4. "white panties are not an option"? You mean you aren't five years old? And all along..because of your love for the Hoff and fascination with Dorothy.

  5. You'll have plenty to do after the first of the year ::wink wink::

    In due time, people. In due time.

  6. Frankly, Shife, I miss the Hoff already.

  7. At least Mrs. Shife gives up some lovin'. Good lovin' that makes you wake up sore. Most men that gave up their pants and balls don't even get that much ;).

    Did you see me on tv at the Army Navy game?

  8. I too, quitely sobbed on Saturday as I realized that Monday would not hold any further Hoff entries. However, reading this account of your weekend, I am sad no more!!!!

  9. PS-- I spent Saturday night vacuuming, so possibly, my weekend was more boring than yours!!!

  10. Sounds like a great weekend to me. Shopping, napping, sex, football...what more do you want?

  11. I gotta admit it, you probably hit on a great way to make some $$

  12. SN -- I grew up with a fake tree, but Mrs. Shife grew up on a farm so she likes the real deal.

    Phats -- Hello is our song and I only play it during special occasions.

    NM -- Yes, and fur pelts as well.

    Angel -- No, I just have the body of a 5-year-old.

    T. Leach -- ::wink wink::

    Toto -- I think $12.95 Canadian is like $14,000 American dollars. Ha.

    FO3 -- He misses you too.

    Blonde -- I just saw a lot of seamen.

    Vince -- Ask and ye shall receive.

    Armaedes -- Thank you. Do I get any endorsement deals?

    Luke -- Spank you very much.

    ST -- Nothing more exciting than vacuuming on the weekend.

    DB -- A visit from Ed McMahon. Not for the Publisher's Clearing House check, me and Mrs. Shife are just really kinky.

    CS -- I think I would rather let everyone's imagination run wild.

  13. Well we know that YOU scored, but did any of your teams score???

  14. Good job, Shife! That's what I'm talkin about!

    And never again can you complain that your life (or your weekends) are lame. Poser!

  15. SSG -- Well, let's see all my teams scored and won this weekend. UNC beat Kentucky in hoops, and the Cardinals beat the 49ers.

    Nicole -- I can do whatever I want, it is my blog. I am sticking my tongue out at the computer right now.

  16. Sounds like one hell of a weekend man!

    Its always nice to top the weekend off with a little relations!

    And bite marks on the ass! :-)

  17. UNC?! Oh Mr Shife say it isn't so!

  18. I won the great Christmas Tree debate in my house-we got a fake one-then did the same thing: went home to decorate. Mr Fiona ran the vacuum and I decorated around him-he watched a lame movie. It was great.

  19. have no pants!

    You have been trained well, my friend! Kudos to your wife!

    Mysterious bites marks on your ass? Been there done that...back in my drinking days. One time I even woke up with someone else's bra on....never have figured that one out.


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