And that stands for "Today I Fucked Up." It's a thing on Reddit.com where folks share their humiliation with the rest of the world because they are just a glutton for more punishment or maybe they just hope someone else shares a worse tale of idiocy so they can sleep better at night.
Anyway, I read a few that made me LOL and I wanted to share.
The first one I thought was awesome because it's something I would do, and here's an actual example of me doing something kind of like that.
The second one was just downright hilarious.
I hope you like them too.

Went to fancy movie theater with date. Decide to buy a bottle of wine. Go back to bar. Ask for two glasses. Bartender says he needs two ID's. I'm too lazy to go back to seats to grab dates ID. Tell him I'm alone and was embarrassed to ask for just one glass. He is clearly sympathetic. Idiot me then tries to sell the story and continue on about how lonely I've been recently. He tells me he's off in a few minutes and insists on watching the movie with me. I try to fight it but I could only argue so much without giving away the truth. Bartender is insistent. I text my date what's happening. Go back to theater with my new date. Sit a few rows in front of my first date. She has the stupidest grin on her face as me and the bartender (Jared) sit a couple rows in front of her. He ends up being super cool and bought me and him another bottle during the movie. Movie ends. I thank him for his gesture. He didn't even ask for my number or anything. I think Jared was just a genuine guy trying to comfort someone. Met back up with my date in the parking lot and thankfully she found the whole thing hilarious.
I don't deserve Jared.

So just to set the stage here my wife is currently surfing the red tide solo. During these monthly events my board is kicking it on the beach waiting for better days. So after watching the family friendly Tosh.O we've been playing the scare game trying to freak each other out on random occasions. Of course I am the master having got the kids and the wife numerous times and they have failed to scare me yet. But enough of me beating my chest, lets get to the fuck up.

So the 14 year old is grounded and stuck at home and the 8 and 9 year olds have just finished their homework. My gorgeous wife calls me saying that she is almost home and that I should get the kids out of the house and take them to the park where she will meet us later after she gets home and changes. Thats when it hits me... What a perfect opportunity for the four of us to scare the crap out of her. The first thing she does when she gets home is go to our closet to change clothes.
So I hatch the plan with the kids that we should pretend we went to the park but instead hide in the closet to scare Mom instead. Everyone loved the idea especially since it didnt involve them being freaked out for once.

So we see her pull into the alley and we scramble into the closet and wait. Im trying to get them to all stop snickering as we hear the garage door close. Then come the foot steps down the hall... Her purse hits the desk and we can hear her fumbling around the room. The dresser drawer opens and in the back of my head a brain cell lights up... But no thats not going to happen... And then it does.
Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz and moans start to fill the room. I look at the puzzled faces of the two innocent ones and the revolting shock of disgust on the 14 year old and did the only thing I could think to do.... 
"Hey angel we are in the closet and we were going to scare you. Coming out in 1 minute."

We are still trying to process this event. But needless to say Im still laughing my ass off and she has this sheepish look on her face. Not sure what we are going to say to the 8 & 9 year old... And I think the 14 year old will never be the same again.

So there ya go.

P.S. I almost forgot.
Here's a picture of Kyle and Hayden from Halloween last weekend.
The big guy was a ninja turtle and my baby girl was a mermaid princess, and they a good time on the 31st of October.
They will be so happy that I shared this picture on a post that included a vibrator story.
It's going to be tough to beat me for Dad of Year.

Thanks for stopping by.
Have a good one.

I will persevere. I will keep moving forward. I will be the stream. 


  1. I love to scare people; I'm glad I never encountered something like that!

  2. Story No.2. OK I confess, it took me a while to work out what the heck she was doing.... still laughing.
    The young ones look great in their outfits. Hope they had a good time.

  3. Oh dear....story #2. At least I have something new to read.
    And don't worry about my problems with the captcha. It's a minor thing, and it's easily dealt with.

  4. loves the halloween picture - bet they had a blast :-)

  5. poor kyle, upstaged by hayden again!

    i think i got #2 but i wouldn't bet my life on it.

  6. I read your link about Bob, your imaginary receptionist. Hilarious!

    Did you ever get back in touch with that client? Do you think he bought the Bob thing?

    I like when people goof on themselves. I'm reading the David Spade biography, and he is SO HONEST about all of his screw ups along his journey.

    Keep on rocking, Mr. Shife.

    And Bob, get me a damn coffee!!!!!!

  7. #2 haha!
    I'm never home for telemarketers, always offer to take a message for the homeowners though.
    Cute Halloween photo!!

  8. Tearing up from second story from laughing so hard. Can't wait to share it.

    My husband and one of the guys that grew up with our sons spent years sneaking up and scaring the crap out of each other. My husband used to do that to me but stopped after I spun around and gut punched him. Anyway, our house in the country was about 3600 square feet with lots of nooks and crannies to hide in. We had a long dirt driveway so had to drive up to house slow.

    My husband and I had both gotten home from work. He parked his car, jumped into mine and we headed back to town for an event. None of the kids (who were all high school or college age at the time) were home. Bruce, the kid's friend came into the house, which was dark, but he had seen my husband's car in carport, so he figured Frank was hiding somewhere. Bruce spent 20 minutes searching and calling out, "I know you're here! Just come out!" He said by the end of the 20 minutes he was even swearing at my husband.

    Just as he decided that Frank wasn't home and sat down at in the living room to play some video games my husband walked in the door and almost scared the skin off of him.

    The kid is now 44 and we all still laugh about that day.


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