Update

Hello there. Sorry for the absence but I have been busy training at the Sum Dum Guy Malaysian Mixed Martial Arts Academy. You know so I can fight like a Malaysian. Have you not heard of “Fight like a Malaysian?” It was the sequel to “Walk like an Egyptian.” Malaysian did not have the commercial success that Egyptian did, which I blame entirely on Casey Kasem. That man was no ambassador to music or Malaysia. Suck it Casey. Anyway I can’t get that song out of my head now that I have been to the Sum Dum Guy Academy and completed my intensive schooling.

All the kids in the marketplace say
Ay oy whey oh, ay oh whey oh
Fight like a Malaysian

Alright truth be told I am just fine after getting my wisdom teeth yanked, and I am currently residing in the Black Hole of Suck or what it is commonly called work by some people. My company is launching a new website this week so you will not hear much from me until next week.

Enjoy your Labor Day weekend. Please don’t labor too much, and remember the restroom is for customers only.

#5

How about 5 0r 6 reasons someone might think I am gay.

1. I am sensitive.
2. I like to shop.
3. My favorite song that I like to karaoke to is "I Want it That Way" by The Backstreet Boys.
   
4. I do a lot of manscaping – plucking, tweezing, and shaving of the body hair.
5. My ringtone is the "The Final Countdown" by Europe.
6. And I don't know how I overlooked this one (Thank you Phats for reminding me), but I have a strange obsession with David Hasselhoff.
   

Actually there could be 15 or 20 reasons. I could fit every homosexual stereotype there is but there will always be one overriding factor that makes me not gay – I don’t like balls bouncing off my chin. I was going to be a little more vulgar and say something like a cock in my mouth, but I decided to … ooops I did it anyway.

But someone might say how do you know Mr. Shife if you never tried it? And Mr. Shife would say it is just one of those things where Mr. Shife (Don’t you hate it when people talk about themselves in third person) is 100% positive he doesn’t need to try it to be certain he would not like it. Like I know I don’t want to circumnavigate the world with Flavor Flav or spend an intimate evening with Star Jones or have an Ambushed Paddington or join the Michael Vick fan club. I will never do any of those things because I know me, and me will not like.

That’s all for this week folks. The next time we speak I will be minus two molars and enjoying life in an altered state. I hope I get some awesome pain meds. Have a great weekend. Talk to you soon.

#4

Here are some random acts of Shifeness:

• Great line from Jon Stewart: "It seems like Michael Vick is going to jail for dog fighting. Hopefully, they won't have guard dogs."
• A great way for your four-legged furry friend to show his disapproval of Michael Vick, check out the link.
• So what do you do if your Xbox 360 is overheating? Some people might turn it off or point a fan at it. But not this kid. The dumbass of the day award goes to this teenager in North Carolina, check it out.
  
• Black hole of suck, no this is not a move similar to an Ambushed Paddington, but that is how I will describe my job next week. We are launching a new website, and no matter how many safeguards and preventive measures are in place something will go wrong.
• Having a heart attack sucks, dying from it really sucks, but what about dying from a heart attack while wearing your wife’s bra and mini-skirt. Dare I say it again? Yes I dare. That is the black hole of suck. Read all about it here.

#3

I have been extremely busy at work with just my normal activities, but lately it seems like every time I leave my desk I return to a bright red light flashing on my phone indicating that I have a new voice mail.

Suck it voice mail.

Actually I would not mind the voice mails if there were better options when I accessed that phone feature.

To wish explosive diarrhea upon someone – press 1
To lock a frisky but crestfallen raccoon in someone’s car – press 2
To assault someone with clever dialogue and Cornish game hens – press 3
For a 12-pack of Coors Light – press 4
For a Happy Ending – press 5
To drive a railroad spike through the face of whomever left you a voicemail – press 6
To be serenaded by David Hasselhoff – press 7
To make someone’s house smell like a turd covered in burnt hair – press 8
To go home, have some dinner, and pop in a Sisqo CD – press 9

P.S. It was difficult but there is no mention of an Ambushed Paddington in the above post. I think I might be over my quest to be in Google's top rankings for Ambushed Paddington. But then again maybe I am not. I mean is it really that weird if I want to target my blog to people who search for Ambushed Paddington on Google. Yes, you are right. It is weird. I need help.

#2

Sorry this is not a post about dropping a deuce. But if that is your thing feel free to check this out. It makes you wonder how you made it this far in life without a Bathroom Louie. That is all the research I can do without running across something really disgusting.

Well today’s topic is about me. I ran a half-marathon last year, and was disappointed in how I finished. It took me two hours to run 13.1 miles, and I knew I could do a lot better. So I ran another one this past weekend and finished in 1:39.21, which is a lot more satisfactory to me and the fat basset. FB, as he likes to be called in the training world, is a pretty demanding coach and he has been telling me to get my stinkin’ mind right for a long time. And how did I celebrate completing my run? Well I actually cried almost. I got a blood blister underneath my toenail and it hurt a lot. Not as much as riding a bike with the seat missing down a bumpy street, but it still hurt. And it did not hurt as much as getting an Ambushed Paddington on your favorite teddy bears. Just in case you were wondering.

Seriously look in that teddy's bears eyes. He is just begging for an Ambushed Paddington. It is like he is taunting you. That frickin' evil stuffed fake bear.

#1

I am getting my wisdom teeth yanked this Friday. In honor of this spectacular event, I will be posting 5 times this week. Just in case I lose my wisdom after these molars are extracted there will be a record of how wise I once was. Actually I just want to see if I can post 5 times in a week. It is hard to believe that I actually posted like this on a regular basis. So what do I have on my mind today? "Superbad." This is by far and away the funniest movie I have seen since "Old School." It is vulgar, offensive, and rude, but I loved every minute of it. "Superbad" is officially the best movie of the 2007 summer season. What is your choice?

Here are two quotes from "Superbad":

Jules: You scratch our backs, we'll scratch yours.
Seth: Well, funny thing about my back, it is located on my cock.


Officer Michaels: McLovin?
Officer Slater: [pause] That's such a cool name.
Officer Michaels: I know. It sounds like a sexy hamburger.




P.S. Since I am no longer show up as an organic search for Ambushed Paddington on Google I figure I better talk about how an Ambushed Paddington can either make or break a relationship. I mean if guy does pull an Ambushed Paddington on his a lady friend she might get upset. I do show up as #5 on a Yahoo search for Ambushed Paddington so I got that going for me which is nice.

Death Sentences

Have you ever heard someone begin a sentence and you just thought to yourself, “This isn’t going to end well.” I like to call them death sentences. Basically if someone begins a conversation with the words below then the odds are pretty good that it is going to be ugly.

• I was shaving my balls …
• I put my finger in the bull's butt …
• I went out drinking with Mel Gibson …
• I went snorkeling naked ...
  
• I was writing a check to a Nigerian prince I got an email from …
• The doctor said he had never seen anything like this before …
• My friends and I decided to have sex with a corpse …
• I woke up naked, with a bloody nose, and band-aids over my nipples …
• I decided to stick some pieces of furniture up my rectum …
• I drank 12 shots of Jagrmeister …
• I was lighting one of my farts …
• I was wearing pork-chop underwear at the zoo …
• I went to see “Who’s Your Caddy” …
• I thought it was a girl …
• I was juggling some hand grenades …
• I went hunting with Dick Cheney ...

Getting my drink on

So you know what sucks? Going to work with a hangover. Holy cannoli.

I do not feel pretty right now. Mrs. Shife and I went to a concert last night, and we got there about 6:30. The show did not start until 10. Somebody in the band had a family emergency so the show got delayed. Anyway when the show did start it is safe to say that I had my drink on. I am trying to be a good worker and muddle my way through the day, but I don’t want to deal with anymore emails. I think I will put up a nice out-of-office reply. Which one do you like?

1. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 8/18. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
2. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
3. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
4. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
5. I've run away to start a midget army.
6. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as "Meredith" instead of "Matt."

You've Got Mail

Ever wonder what God's email inbox might look like?
I was just checking to see if he had time to answer mine.
It wasn't anything substantial like what is the meaning of the life or is Ted Koppel's hair real.
I just just wanted to know what his thoughts were on the merit of being a stunt cock. You know a gentleman who provides surplus semen, usually on demand, to an adult film.

Click on the picture if you want a bigger view

Mental Health is Overrated

Evidently I have reached my wit’s end. God that sentence makes me sound like I am 75. Pardon me, while I put on some tea, a Lawrence Welk album, and my adult diapers. OK, I need to get back on task. So basically I am running out of patience with some people I have to work with, and I am not sure what the consequences will be if I don’t channel my aggressions somewhere else. Will I go bat shit insane? Will I spend some time in jail because I sodomized their head with a spork? Will I teach a grizzly bear to play sudoku? Will I staple old family photos to my badly stained sweatpants?

See what I mean folks I think I am already losing my mind.

Maybe I just need a weekend of peace and relaxation.
Maybe I need to eat 27 pieces of pumpkin pie.
Maybe I need to find that great pumpkin Charlie Brown.
Maybe I should count all the references to Charlie Brown in Arrested Development.
Maybe I should change my name to George Michael Bluth.
Maybe I need to sing George Michael songs to my stuffed animals.

Well whatever maybe I go with I am sure it will be fun.

Have a great weekend.