Tuesday, January 01, 2008

It is over 2007

Dear 2007,

Not a day passes that you don't tell me how important I am or how much you love me, but those are just words. What I need are actions that convey how you can't live without me and would do anything to keep me. I need someone loony-bin, arsonist crazy about me. Someone willing to do anything and everything to keep me.

2007, that's just not you. While it does feel like you love me, it's not a smothering, obsessive, borderline psychotic love. It’s more of an unneurotic, trusting, open-mouthed love with luke-warm infatuation at best. There's no jealousy, no vindictiveness, no sense of possession. For christ sake, you haven't even given me a cell phone so you can call me when you need something important: Like knowing where I am all the time. Trust is nice, but is paranoia too much to ask in a relationship?

Honestly, 2007, in the 365 days that we have been together, how many times have you bashed a beer bottle over the head of some bitch who made eye contact with me or accidentally brushed against me as they passed? Or pepper sprayed an overfriendly sales clerk? I'll tell you how many times, the same number of times you tattooed my name in cursive on your pudgy little butt: None.

Sure, you'll probably cry over our breakup, be heartbroken for a month, but that's not good enough. The year for me would call, start crying and begging to get back together. When that didn't work the year would threaten me, immediately apologize, and offer me money, jewelry, deviant sex or anything else I wanted to get back together.

2007, I'm not asking you to kill yourself if you lose me, but a half-hearted effort of washing a package of Dexatrim down with a bottle of Nyquil so you at least would have to get your stomach pumped would be a nice gesture.

Jesus, 2007, you just don’t get it do you? I hope we can be friends.

Mr. Shife

P.S. Enclosed are some chocolates - no hard feelings. Just go ahead and eat them.

12 comments:

inherwritemind1 said...

Happy New Year, Mr. Shife.

Group hug for poor old 2007.

tiggysmum70 said...

That was great! How I wish I could be so eloquent when telling off 2007! LOL

Have a great 2008!

Jon said...

It's rare you can get a laugh out of me after only being up 21 minutes. Good work there.

cher said...

you are without a doubt the funniest man alive. i full on fake love you and this post. it was awesome!

billy pilgrim said...

happy feckin new years. i'm ready for more entertainment.

paulie gualtiere summed up 2007 very well:

"you can give 2007 back to the indians"

angel, jr. said...

The chocolates are not filled with that gooey pink stuff or any of those funky juices right--you know the ones that someone bites into and then puts back into the box?

Happy New Year!!

UnBonHomme said...

Merry New Year man.

I'd not take 2007 back for deviant sex either....or really good chocolate....or wine....maybe for really good Scotch or Champagne. Maybe.

KnitTech said...

Oh Mr. Shife, you know what they say; be careful what you wish for. Sure, 2007 was a lady, watch out, 2008 is a psycho. Late night phone calls. The bricks through the front window. Cops knocking on the door. Is that what you really want?

Happy New Year....

The Duck said...

I don't get it.

The Phoenix said...

Way to berate 2007!

2008 better be good.

Gabby Girl said...

Funny stuff.

I think everyone should write a Dear (Insert Year here) letter every year. They could choose to insult it for being such a sucktastic year or applaud it for the best one could hope for.

Design Goddess said...

at least 2008 will give you one EXTRA day to get it right! :D