Do you understand the words coming out of my mouth?

on
Everyone needs a relationship translator. I hope this helps somebody out there.

What women say: "Do I look fat in this?"
What men hear: "Do I look fat in this?"

What women really mean: "I don't give a drunken midget's ass if I can't zip up these jeans all the way, you'd better tell me I look amazing in this outfit."


What women say: "We can watch football tonight."
What men hear: "We can watch football tonight."

What women really mean: "You know that Grey's Anatomy is on. You also know that the Cardinals are going to lose. If you get up to use the bathroom, I'm going to change the channel and hide the remote."


What women say: "I love you."
What men hear: "I want you to buy me something."

What women really mean: "You'd better marry me and get a real job so that I don't have to work anymore."


What women say: "What do you have planned today?"
What men hear: "What do you have planned today?"

What women really mean: "Why don't you get off your fat ass and come shopping with me for four hours."


What women say: "Get out of here! I hate you!"
What men hear: "I am releasing you from your indentured servitude early. Now good riddance, faithful servant!"

What women really mean: "You have pissed me off royally, so I'm going to throw all of your shit in the yard and avoid you for a week. Then, as soon as you start to move on, I'm going to tempt you back to me with my enormous breasts."

Comments

  1. Travis Erwin1/09/2008

    Move over Dr. Phil the Shifester's couch is much more entertaining.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Phats1/09/2008

    Thanks for the Help Shife. If you become the next Dr Phil though(as travis says) leave britney alone man she has soo many problems already ;)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Duck1/09/2008

    enormous breasts will do it every time.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Airam1/09/2008

    And men say they don't understand women ...

    ReplyDelete
  5. Saren Johnson1/10/2008

    Are you sure it's the enormous breasts? Not the psycho sex?

    ReplyDelete
  6. billy pilgrim1/10/2008

    communication has to be the most over rated concept on the planet.

    nothing starts a fight faster in casa myshkin than an attempt at communication.

    ReplyDelete
  7. JM1/10/2008

    Aren't there also a million translations depending on the situation for the word "fine"--when a woman says it?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Dr. Kenneth Noisewater1/10/2008

    I commented on here and it didn't work. I think I said something about hating it when women throw all my shit on the lawn and lure me back in with their boobies. It was funnier the first time I wrote it, so F OFF!!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. cher1/10/2008

    What cher says- hi mr.shife.
    what mr.shife hears- hi, it's me, your online stalker. i'm pathetic and needy and annoying.

    what mr.shife says- go away. i'm working. don't you have something to go trip over?
    what cher hears- awe, he knows me so well. and he's working so hard to support his unborn, virtual, bastard, fake, love child.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Big Ben1/10/2008

    I had something clever to say until I read the words enormous breasts and I got totally distracted.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Anonymous1/12/2008

    Ahh, I have missed so much! Lemme catch up here and get back to ya! (I've been in Hawaii for bout 15 days, just getting in last nite) :P Happy New Year!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Ms. Moon1/12/2008

    What men say: We can just cuddle.
    What women hear: We can just cuddle.
    What men really mean: Whoa! I am in there now. Yeah, baby. Yeah.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Rocky (Racquel)1/13/2008

    Spoken like a true married man.

    ReplyDelete
  14. GrillTech1/13/2008

    I think you really need to expand this list and get it published as a book.. You'll make millions.

    ReplyDelete
  15. The Future Was Yesterday1/14/2008

    Your title is certainly accurate!:) Just joking. I hope you're still alive as of this writing. I tell my wife: "No! I don't WANT to understand you. I don't want to be that crazy."

    But only after I've checked to see that there's plenty of leftovers in the frig.:)

    ReplyDelete
  16. Gabby Girl1/15/2008

    You'd make a much better Dr. Phil. I think you should try stealing his show. I'd watch you.

    ReplyDelete
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