Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Do you understand the words coming out of my mouth?

Everyone needs a relationship translator. I hope this helps somebody out there.

What women say: "Do I look fat in this?"
What men hear:
"Do I look fat in this?"

What women really mean: "I don't give a drunken midget's ass if I can't zip up these jeans all the way, you'd better tell me I look amazing in this outfit."


What women say: "We can watch football tonight."
What men hear: "We can watch football tonight."

What women really mean: "You know that Grey's Anatomy is on. You also know that the Cardinals are going to lose. If you get up to use the bathroom, I'm going to change the channel and hide the remote."


What women say: "I love you."
What men hear: "I want you to buy me something."

What women really mean: "You'd better marry me and get a real job so that I don't have to work anymore."


What women say: "What do you have planned today?"
What men hear: "What do you have planned today?"

What women really mean: "Why don't you get off your fat ass and come shopping with me for four hours."


What women say: "Get out of here! I hate you!"
What men hear: "I am releasing you from your indentured servitude early. Now good riddance, faithful servant!"

What women really mean: "You have pissed me off royally, so I'm going to throw all of your shit in the yard and avoid you for a week. Then, as soon as you start to move on, I'm going to tempt you back to me with my enormous breasts."

18 comments:

Travis Erwin said...

Move over Dr. Phil the Shifester's couch is much more entertaining.

Phats said...

Thanks for the Help Shife. If you become the next Dr Phil though(as travis says) leave britney alone man she has soo many problems already ;)

The Duck said...

enormous breasts will do it every time.

Airam said...

And men say they don't understand women ...

KnitTech said...

Are you sure it's the enormous breasts? Not the psycho sex?

billy pilgrim said...

communication has to be the most over rated concept on the planet.

nothing starts a fight faster in casa myshkin than an attempt at communication.

angel, jr. said...

Aren't there also a million translations depending on the situation for the word "fine"--when a woman says it?

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I commented on here and it didn't work. I think I said something about hating it when women throw all my shit on the lawn and lure me back in with their boobies. It was funnier the first time I wrote it, so F OFF!!!

cher said...

What cher says- hi mr.shife.
what mr.shife hears- hi, it's me, your online stalker. i'm pathetic and needy and annoying.

what mr.shife says- go away. i'm working. don't you have something to go trip over?
what cher hears- awe, he knows me so well. and he's working so hard to support his unborn, virtual, bastard, fake, love child.

Big Ben said...

I had something clever to say until I read the words enormous breasts and I got totally distracted.

tina said...

Ahh, I have missed so much! Lemme catch up here and get back to ya! (I've been in Hawaii for bout 15 days, just getting in last nite) :P Happy New Year!

Ms. Moon said...

What men say: We can just cuddle.
What women hear: We can just cuddle.
What men really mean: Whoa! I am in there now. Yeah, baby. Yeah.

Rocky (Racquel) said...

Spoken like a true married man.

GrillTech said...

I think you really need to expand this list and get it published as a book.. You'll make millions.

The Future Was Yesterday said...

Your title is certainly accurate!:) Just joking. I hope you're still alive as of this writing. I tell my wife: "No! I don't WANT to understand you. I don't want to be that crazy."

But only after I've checked to see that there's plenty of leftovers in the frig.:)

Gabby Girl said...

You'd make a much better Dr. Phil. I think you should try stealing his show. I'd watch you.

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