What women say: "Do I look fat in this?"
What men hear: "Do I look fat in this?"
What women say: "We can watch football tonight."
What men hear: "We can watch football tonight."
What women really mean: "You know that Grey's Anatomy is on. You also know that the Cardinals are going to lose. If you get up to use the bathroom, I'm going to change the channel and hide the remote."
What women say: "I love you."
What men hear: "I want you to buy me something."
What women really mean: "You'd better marry me and get a real job so that I don't have to work anymore."
What women say: "What do you have planned today?"
What men hear: "What do you have planned today?"
What women really mean: "Why don't you get off your fat ass and come shopping with me for four hours."
What women say: "Get out of here! I hate you!"
What men hear: "I am releasing you from your indentured servitude early. Now good riddance, faithful servant!"
What women really mean: "You have pissed me off royally, so I'm going to throw all of your shit in the yard and avoid you for a week. Then, as soon as you start to move on, I'm going to tempt you back to me with my enormous breasts."
Move over Dr. Phil the Shifester's couch is much more entertaining.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the Help Shife. If you become the next Dr Phil though(as travis says) leave britney alone man she has soo many problems already ;)
ReplyDeleteenormous breasts will do it every time.
ReplyDeleteAnd men say they don't understand women ...
ReplyDeleteAre you sure it's the enormous breasts? Not the psycho sex?
ReplyDeletecommunication has to be the most over rated concept on the planet.
ReplyDeletenothing starts a fight faster in casa myshkin than an attempt at communication.
Aren't there also a million translations depending on the situation for the word "fine"--when a woman says it?
ReplyDeleteI commented on here and it didn't work. I think I said something about hating it when women throw all my shit on the lawn and lure me back in with their boobies. It was funnier the first time I wrote it, so F OFF!!!
ReplyDeleteWhat cher says- hi mr.shife.
ReplyDeletewhat mr.shife hears- hi, it's me, your online stalker. i'm pathetic and needy and annoying.
what mr.shife says- go away. i'm working. don't you have something to go trip over?
what cher hears- awe, he knows me so well. and he's working so hard to support his unborn, virtual, bastard, fake, love child.
I had something clever to say until I read the words enormous breasts and I got totally distracted.
ReplyDeleteAhh, I have missed so much! Lemme catch up here and get back to ya! (I've been in Hawaii for bout 15 days, just getting in last nite) :P Happy New Year!
ReplyDeleteWhat men say: We can just cuddle.
ReplyDeleteWhat women hear: We can just cuddle.
What men really mean: Whoa! I am in there now. Yeah, baby. Yeah.
Spoken like a true married man.
ReplyDeleteI think you really need to expand this list and get it published as a book.. You'll make millions.
ReplyDeleteYour title is certainly accurate!:) Just joking. I hope you're still alive as of this writing. I tell my wife: "No! I don't WANT to understand you. I don't want to be that crazy."
ReplyDeleteBut only after I've checked to see that there's plenty of leftovers in the frig.:)
You'd make a much better Dr. Phil. I think you should try stealing his show. I'd watch you.
ReplyDelete