Random Acts of Shifeness

  • Yo gets punched in the neck if he sees Rambo this weekend. I heard on a grammar podcast that Yo is the perfect gender-neutral singular pronoun. Google it – Do it yo!

  • I am trying to be the official white guy of the MLS (Major League Soccer). I guess they are already have an official cracker.

  • Last year I asked for your thoughts on my softball team name. It came down to Scared Hitless and With Ourselves (who do we play this week? Let’s see we have to play with ourselves.) I went with Scared Hitless, and everyone loved it but it turned out that 4 other teams liked it as well. So I need a new team name because I want to be original, and the winner so far is McGlovin’. If you saw “Superbad” then you know my inspiration.

  • I swear to fat, ambidextrous midgets if they want to discover alien life forms then they just need to send me to space. I will fart and someone will appear. It happens all the time. I am just hanging out minding my own business with no one around me, and I feel it is OK to release some low-flying ducks into the stratosphere. Well no sooner than I say to myself “wow that really smells like burnt hair wrapped in Indian food” does someone walk into the area.

  • Does anybody DIGG – let me know and we can be friends there too.

  • I like to poop at work. Do you? Well I have a few good reasons but none of them beats this one.

  • Did I miss something in driver’s ed? Can someone please explain the benefits of backing into a parking spot? In the grand scheme of things, does the time negotiating the vehicle backwards into the parking spot really save you time when you leave? If I park backwards am I cooler? Do I get a free hand job at the local topless home improvement store (Yes I know there is no such place but wouldn’t you rather buy your lawn accessories at such a place) the 10th time I do it?


  1. My goodness you're funny. The one of you finding alien life form takes the cake!

  2. I don't know how to back into a parking space. But at the grocery store, I've pulled forward into an empty space, so I don't have to back out--I'm making no sense.
    Maybe I should get the Brain Age game.

  3. All the kewl drivers back into their spots. You want to be kewl don't you?

    Seriously? I'd rather pull out, then back out. Usually there are twelve other idiots trying to back out at the same time. Not me, I'm pulling away.

  4. I could probably join you on that space mission. That always happens to me in stores, particularly when it's fairly vile.

  5. nice new look, i like being in the emerald city. it gives me heart, courage and brains.

    i once told the wife of a senior executive to take a flying fuck at a rolling donut at a company soft ball tournament.

    my career stalled.

  6. first of all, roar.
    and second of all...LOOK AT YOOOOOU! all updating your blog n shit. you're new mini autobiography was awesome. it's really important for me to know some background info on my fake unborn bastard baby of yours. you know, just incase of any weird genetic flaws we may or may not have to deal with. it be cool if it was actually a robot and we could just put it to work right away. immediately-post birth.

  7. Pooing on the clock is good.

    Pooing on the Clock could also be the softball team name.

  8. Backing into a parking spot is almost and bad and parallel parking. I think people do it just to show off their skills,(or lack thereof) But it's the tiny little hybrids that take up two damn parking spaces because they have one wheel a foot into the other parking space that really ticks me off.

  9. Anonymous1/24/2008

    Haha in 3 words...I luv you - no, im not weird, you crack my chit up! did you publish yet? you should!! :)

    Ok I just gotta know..what was your poop pay - mine was $1092 lol

  10. I think if you did an informal survey, you would find that 99 out of 100 backers-into-parking-spaces would be men. I think it's a genetic thing like always sitting with your back to the wall in a restaurant, which my husband always does. He also backs into parking spaces. I do not ask why.

  11. backing in is also a military thing. rob does it all the time. i'm really good at it, but can't normally be bothered. however, parallel parking? dude. i'm telling you, i can do it blindfolded while midgets work my peddles and hazard lights.

  12. The old man who trained me when I started at the Post Office said there was only two rules I needed to know.

    Never sweat while on the clock and never shit off the clock.

  13. No I have a new toy to try out at work.. It'll be cool to know how much I'm being paid while wasting time at work..

    As for Digg, Digg is the greatest source of news on the internet.. Who needs CNN, Yahoo, or Drudge.. I use digg.

  14. I saw you listed on Travis' sidebar and wanted to lurk, but this post was too funny!
    Loved the poop calculator!

  15. why back into a parkingspot?
    so you dont look so AS drunk later when you are leaving the bar/stripclub/school/racetrack/gym/etc... im usualy fairly buzzed anytime i park, so by the time im leaving somewhere it does help to simply pull forward!!

  16. YEAH... what i was just talking bout.


Post a Comment