Friday, January 04, 2008

Consumer Reports

I have occasionally joked on this blog that I might have drank myself retarded. Well I think I know where the people that actually have accomplished this exploit now earn their money – they write directions or instructions on consumer products.

First example, I bought some nasal spray. I am pretty sure I have the concept of how a nasal spray works under control, but just in case I did have a Britney moment the directions are there to bring me back to reality.

“DIRECTIONS: With head in an upright position, (Upright? No kidding - thank you Captain Obvious. Are nasal sprays secretly owned by the airlines? Because planes can’t land or take off if seatbacks are not in their full upright position) put spray tip in nostril.” (Thanks for telling me where to put the spray tip. If I had a nickel for every time I have mistaken my nostril for my penis … .)

Maybe I am being a little too judgmental or literal when I read these instructions but there are more out there.

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (Really? You mean I can’t use these lights in my underwater sea cave to celebrate the holidays with my Mermaid and Manatee friends?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.” (You know what is weird? I think this is what my friend had monogrammed on his underwear)

On a Swedish chainsaw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.”
(Damn it, they just don’t make Swedish chainsaws like they use to.)

14 comments:

Design Goddess said...

Ooooo! First to comment. I'm SO honored!

You know what's funny? Most of those are written b/c someone, somewhere had to try those things first to realize they weren't using the item properly.

Big Ben said...

I write instructions for dildos - great job.

Rocky (Racquel) said...

believe it or not, we studied a court case in law school where a woman sued because she didn't realize that KY Jelly was NOT to be used on her toast... ugh!!

billy pilgrim said...

i wish i'd read those instructions before using that feckin swedish chainsaw.

Jon said...

But it doesn't say anything about stopping the chainsaw with your head or foot. Hmm...

Ms. Moon said...

Here's the thing- I have a Singer sewing machine that belonged to my grandmother who was born in like 1895 or something. And the instruction book that came with it is so clearly and intelligently written with such good and accurate illustrations that you can take that machine apart and put it back together again using its instructions.
And oh yeah- the sewing machine still works great.
And the instruction booklet tells you to make sure you don't get your finger under the needle but of course you do, every now and then. It hurts but you don't die.

The Future Was Yesterday said...

Instructions? Stuff comes with instructions? I thought that was all just packing paper! That might be why my weed whacker wouldn't cut that seaweed! Oh Lawyer!!!

My favorite to date is a George Foreman grill we bought: under the cooking grids, which go up to about a gatrillion degrees is this message: Do Not Touch When Hot. But not a bleepin' thing on the grids themselves!!!

Skiingred said...

Happy New year -- here's hoping 2008 treats you better :)

KnitTech said...

The scary part is you read the directions. Not that they had to write them for idiots....

The Duck said...

I personally feel the peanut instructions are quite helpful.

Oh, and Swedes are weird. Duck OUT.

cher said...

crack me up! i've thought of posting onthis very topic. My hairdryer instructions actually say to NOT use in the shower. ummm, ya.

angel, jr. said...

Yup. some of those instructions are quite annoying.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

What would happen if you shot nasal spray up your dick-hole? Does it have any warnings about that on the package?

Daniel B. said...

Dropping by your blog for the first time... Cheers to a fellow STL Cardinals fan! The Rams, however... good grief.