Consumer Reports

I have occasionally joked on this blog that I might have drank myself retarded. Well I think I know where the people that actually have accomplished this exploit now earn their money – they write directions or instructions on consumer products.

First example, I bought some nasal spray. I am pretty sure I have the concept of how a nasal spray works under control, but just in case I did have a Britney moment the directions are there to bring me back to reality.

“DIRECTIONS: With head in an upright position, (Upright? No kidding - thank you Captain Obvious. Are nasal sprays secretly owned by the airlines? Because planes can’t land or take off if seatbacks are not in their full upright position) put spray tip in nostril.” (Thanks for telling me where to put the spray tip. If I had a nickel for every time I have mistaken my nostril for my penis … .)

Maybe I am being a little too judgmental or literal when I read these instructions but there are more out there.

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (Really? You mean I can’t use these lights in my underwater sea cave to celebrate the holidays with my Mermaid and Manatee friends?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.” (You know what is weird? I think this is what my friend had monogrammed on his underwear)

On a Swedish chainsaw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.”
(Damn it, they just don’t make Swedish chainsaws like they use to.)