Thursday, February 05, 2009

How are you feeling?

Well I feel like I suck. I feel as about as appealing as a warm cup of mayonnaise.
Just read my previous blog post.
I should get my blogging privileges revoked for posting garbage like that.
You deserve better.
But that is just one of my problems.
I feel like if I don't get a certain amount of comments or make my blog amusing then I am a failure.
This is my blog and I should write whatever the hell I want but I don't.
I am afraid if I don't bring the funny or write something interesting then nobody will read my blog.
Am I insecure or what?
I don't even know if this post will see the light of day because I feel like I am revealing too much about myself. And do you even what to hear about that part of my life?
I can hear the clicks now as people are going to a new website.
Are you still there? I applaud you if have made it this far.
Seriously if you just want to skim down to the bottom of the page then I understand.
But if you feel like listening then please continue because I need to put together some more vowels and consonants that will hopefully lead to some coherent thoughts.
This whole week I have felt like I am going to have a nervous breakdown? Am I too young for one? I have also felt angry for no rational reason at all. For example, I was at the gym running on the treadmill and Fox News was on and I literally wanted to stop running and beat the the TV to its electronic death with my Nikes. Why do I let something like that bother me so much? It is just a stupid television program.
All the bad news going on in the world is not helping my demeanor.
I am just waiting for that switch to get turned on when people put their differences aside and just do what is right for everyone and not just them.
Damn it people need help right now. Quit talking and get to work.
I also feel completely overwhelmed and unprepared in my life right now.
I don't know if it is the fact that Baby Shifley will be here soon and I feel like I am going to be a complete failure as a father.
I look at other people's children and I swear they stare back at me with this look on their face like they now I have a better chance at herding cats than raising a kid.
I miss my Mother a lot, and wish I could just talk to her because she would help talk me off the ledge. The stuff I am worried about is nothing compared to what she was dealing with before I was born.
She was a recently divorced single mother trying to figure out how her and a little boy were going to make it in this world. And we did make it, and she raised me right. But I know she had to be scared but I never knew it or felt it. She always made me feel safe and took care of me.
I know she had to make sacrifices and I just hope she knows how much I appreciate all she did.
I should put my faith in that and know that her judgment and instincts are part of who I am and will be there to help me make the right decisions as I welcome a child into this world.
But it is hard telling myself that and trying to relax.
I just can't shake the feelings of anxiety.
But then I hear something.
It is a silly little song that never really meant anything to me before but tonight it means a lot.
It means it will be OK.
I just have to have faith in that.

I will be watching over you
I am gonna help you see it through
I will protect you in the night
I am smiling next to you...in silent lucidity.

22 comments:

Megan said...

You are going to be an awesome dad.

Mr. Shife said...

Thanks Megan. I hope so.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

I'm really sorry you're going through all this stuff, man. I feel like I know you. Kinda. But, wait, is it Queensryche that's getting you through? Actually, those words are pretty good. I guess I've never seen them typed out.

ANYWAY, hang in there. You're a good man.

cher said...

pity? party for one?
4 words. suck it up princess.

i know i suggest this a lot, but i don't think anyone takes me seriously. Go trip someone. Someone who has their hands full of stuff that is breakable preferably. or someone who just waited 15 minutes in a long line for their coffee.

Ok, so you know i'm kidding. But... one thing i do know is how blessed that baby is to have you as a father, Mrs.Shife is to have you as a husband, your mother was to have you for a son, and Quincy is to have you as his owner.

I am blessed to have you as my friend.

Life is hard and we are all just muddling through. Hang in there. Or snap. whatever....

Mr. Shife said...

Nice to see you again good doctor and yes it is Queensryche. The last couple nights I have heard Silent Lucidity and it has really stuck with me.
I am hanging in there and thanks for listening.

Mr. Shife said...

You are the best Cher. I am so glad we crossed paths on the Internet. You are so close to being my first favorite Canadian.

just bob said...

First... I like mayonnaise.

Second... Wanting to throw a shoe at anyone on Faux News is a rational, understandable impulse. Go for it.

Third... I'm sure you're going to be a great father. You seem like a level headed, caring person who will instill those same tremendous characteristics onto lil' shife.

Fourth... I know you miss your mother very much. I'm also sure she took great pride in the man you have become. She did a great job raising you... and you will do the same.

Hang in there buddy... just bob

Cinnamon said...

No parent is perfect. We just have to do the best we can. Our children are the sum of their parents...just do the best you can and you will be fine!
My first visit here, but judging from the little I have read, you have all the qualities, the sensitivity to make a GREAT DAD!

Suzanne said...

Hi sweetie.

Wow, Just Bob wrote more here than he's ever written on any of my posts! And I'm Blottie!!!

Cher showed her sensitive side. Almost blew me away!!!

Baby, you're gonna be just fine. You're an amazing person and friend and you're going to be a great dad. I read every word, so you know what that means? I love you and I believe in you. You're mom would be very proud of the man you've become, but I'm sure she'd wipe that white crap right off your face!!! ;)

I'm reinstating my blog so came for your URL, but found so much more. Hang in there. You're going to be a great dad because you're a great guy. I'll drop by more often. I've been so lame and self absorbed lately, but I'll try to do better.

As a house with lawyers we know many lawyers! God that's a funny sentence. Our dear friend is probably the best appellate lawyer in the state of CA. He's brilliant. He was a smoker and decided to quit. And this is how he did it. He said "Well, I embraced it. When the urge would come I'd let it happen because I knew it would pass." He quit smoking because he didn't fight it. He's a very, very smart man and I think his approach to a challenge is one you might embrace. Just let it happen honey and then wait for the reward.

I love you very much. I just want you to know you absolutely matter in my life.

XO Moi

Leah said...

Oh, Shife.

You're going through a shocking amount of life changes all at once, between the death of your mom and the birth of your child, well, could you be any more overwhelmed?

My husband's dad died the very week our daughter was born. It was an existential house party.

I'm glad to read what you wrote today (although there's nothing wrong with writing about Snuggies either). And you, you old cat-herder, will be a swell dad to your little one. You're your mother's son, right?

xo

Ms. Moon said...

Mr. Shife- please know that everything you are going through is normal and natural and that all will be well. I wish I could sit down with you and have a cup of coffee and tell you how much your life is going to change when that baby comes and how it's going to be the most amazing and wonderful thing you've ever experienced. How, yes, we all struggle with wanting to do the very, very best we can for our children and how we all end up doing just that. How when you look into your baby's eyes you will see your mother because she is in there, a part of that child's blood and bones and soul.
Everything's going to be all right. Trust in that. Trust in yourself and the family you've made and the family you've come from.

Jon said...

I have the same worries, fears, concerns, etc. I don't know how to get through it all sometimes, but marrying a good woman has helped. I know you did that, and I know you two will do a great job together. Hang in there bud.

angel, jr. said...

You are going to be alright. You have your mother as a role model for parenting..you'll be great.

cher said...

i'm just back here leaving you a pity comment to help you feel better by upping your comment numbers

cher said...

wasn't that nice of me?

Mr. Shife said...

Bob - I appreciate your kind words. They mean a lot to me. And I like mayonnaise as well. Maybe we can start a group on Facebook.

Cinnamon - Well welcome to my pity party as Cher likes to call it. Usually things are little more upbeat here but you caught me on a bad day. Thank you for your comment and hope to see you around.

Suzanne - Thank you. You are a great friend and an awesome person so I always appreciate what you have to say. I am glad you are going to be blogging again. I missed you. And I think the approach your friend takes is a pretty good one.

Leah - Thanks Leah for listening. Sometimes I do feel like I am OK and I need to be tough because I don't have time to deal with all these emotions from the past year but I need to deal with them and embrace otherwise they are going to eat me alive. Thanks again for your great advice.

Mr. Shife said...

Ms. Moon - Awesome words of wisdom. I know I need to have faith and trust but part of me feels like a scared little boy not knowing what to do. But like you said I need to know everything is going to be alright and trust in that.

Jon - Thanks my friend. I am hanging in there and will be sending your positive vibes for your job interview.

Angel - I can live with great. Thanks for listening.

Mr. Shife said...

And finally Cher. Always there for me, and yes that was nice of you. I really think Loverboy is going to have to live with the fact that they are no longer my favorite Canadians. We might have to have a ceremony or something for you.

cher said...

a ceremony? nah... But if Loverboy doesn't pass down their first place ribbon to me I will be forced to eat them like Canadian Bacon.

kylie said...

being scared of parenthood is a good thing, it just means you're serious about it.

tina said...

Don't you ever dare leave us ;) i wouldn't care if you didn't have the time (with new baby coming) to write anything funny. If you farted on the page, I would read it. Ha, was that over the top? ;)

Funny thing, I get the same way. I was having lunch during the lunch break of our executive degree program the other day and they had the Fox news channel on the breakroom TV. I acutally said out loud, why the fuc is Fox news on?!

Perhaps you are like me and care too much about things in the world and feel like you are someone watching from the sidelines, and thinking to ourselves..."no, you all are smarter than that, we can do better, we can be better."

You are going to be a great parent. I can tell by the way you talk about the fat bassett, the way you care about the world and the way you were brought up. I, too, was brought up by a single divorced mom and she had the two of us and never made enough money, but I am here :)

I'll share something that my own hubby told me just yesterday when I was concerned that I had failed on a matter..."You must both fall and then pick yourself up for a fall to really matter."

Luv ya - you will be just fine!!

Ananda girl said...

Another older post and my delayed comment. I'm going through them as I can.
You are going to be a good dad and the reason I know that is because you are worried about it. If you thought you had it down before baby showed up, then I would worry about you. And the respect you show for you mom shows that she did raise you right. We parent the way we were raised... you will be as wonderful as your mom sounds.

I'll have good thoughts for you, the lucky Mrs. and baby Shife. Be happy!