Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Confession #1

Well the name of the blog is titled Confessions of a Dumb, White Guy so I don't want to be accused of false advertising.
So here it is.
Have you ever done this?
Get really wasted. Call your house at 3 in the morning and leave a voice mail for your dog.
Not just any voice mail.
Perhaps a voice mail where you sang him a song.
Maybe change the words around a little bit so his name is now in the song.
Now that you have that awesome image stuck in your head let your imagination carry you a little further.
Picture this drunken buffon - who would probably laugh for hours if he heard the words midget dildo - absolutely butcher a classic song by KISS:

Quincy, I hear you callin
But I can't come home right now
Me and the boys are playin
And we just cant find the sound
Just a few more hours
And Ill be right home to you
I think I hear them callin
Oh, Quincy what can I do
Quincy what can I do

You say you feel so empty
That our house just aint a home
And Im always somewhere else
And youre always there alone

Just a few more hours
And Ill be right home to you
I think I hear them callin
Oh, Quincy what can I do
Quincy what can I do

Quincy, I know youre lonely
And I hope youll be alright
cause me and the boys will be playin
All night

I can't sing.
I am pretty sure a violin being played by an inebriated Howler monkey while a Tasmanian Devil vomited on a squeaky see saw would sound better.
My singing from that night was so atrocious that I think there are children waking up in the middle of night crying.
Their parents don't know why. The kids don't know why.
But I do.

Thanks for listening.


Anonymous said...

Nice! You should take that out on the road...it's better than most music nowadays. Doh! I'm getting old!!!

Did Mrs. Shife kick you in the nuts the next morning? Just wondering...

Mr. Shife said...

Random Chick: No she just kicked me in the ass. I only get kicked in the nuts when I sing songs by The Backstreet Boys.

Leah said...

Indeed, yes, I've done that.

Leah said...

Well, maybe not THAT exactly.

Jillian said...

LOL... How strange. Ahh... alochol and the weird things it makes us do!

Essentially Me said...

You are hilarious!

Qelqoth said...

"Have you ever done this?
Get really wasted. Call your house at 3 in the morning and leave a voice mail for your dog."

No but interestingly, I got so hammered on booze and dope one night that I honestly thought the cat was trying to telepathically communicate. Shit, I miss college sometimes.

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater said...

You sang a drunken Kiss song to your dog? That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.

Jon said...

How about an entire album's worth of songs for Quincy? Call it "Songs in the key of 'Q'"

KnitTech said...

Is it any wonder why Quincy tries to kill you in your sleep?


i used to call people and leave as long of message as their machines would take... then call back and do it again... so wasted... awsome to hear i wasnt the only one leaving messages for my dog either....

message to dog:
"i love you good buddy, i'll be home soon and we can snuggle on the couch like we used to..."

billy pilgrim said...

every time i did that the lovely mrs myshkin answered the phone and it ruined the moment.

cher said...

don't feel bad. quincy drunk dials me all the time when you guys are sleeping.
man we laugh and laugh about that message you left him.
i'm so happy you got him that cell phone.

tina said...

hahaha superb

I actually did something similar. I did not sing so much, but last Friday sometime in the wee hours of morn, I called home and spoke every ohh 15 seconds and it was one word at a time...and some I'm not so sure exactly what was said.

But i do remember the lawn that evening, not mine, but it was nice and cool and I rubbed it while laying on it

no lie ;)

angel, jr. said...

That's a good song. I wonder if it is associated with my recent bout of sleeplessness.

Penelope said...

That's classy, Shifey.

-- P

Travis Erwin said...

Nope. I've been drunk enough to lose lose a block of my memory but never dialed Fido.

Design Goddess said...

Did you also come to the conclusion that a cell phone doesn't really go with beer?

And I don't know what I find more frightening: 1) that Quincy is calling Cher or 2) Cher just believes Quincy is calling her!

cher said...

DG-um, i'm not sure what you are implying.
Are you saying Quincy is NOT drunk dialing me?

Anonymous said...

Poor Quincy

Suzanne said...

Have you no respect for yourself or your dog?!